No Going Back

Once you've used expensive soap, there is no going back.

Standing in the shower and scrubbing myself with one of my birthday gifts...an organic, all natural, luxury soap...I became a convert. First off, I have never been a big bar soap girl. Secondly, perhaps because of the first, I would never spend a lot of money on a bar soap. So, opening up this soap was venturing into a new world - something that is becoming an everyday occurance for me. With the expanding-my-boundaries mindset that I have adopted, I dipped it into the water and placed it on my skin. It felt like a combination of silk and butter. Shocked and surprised I also noted that after the shower was done my skin did not feel taut and dry. It was eye opening. Ah, smashing all my stories to bits, one by one.

Standing in the baking aisle at the grocery store buying bread-making ingredients while my partner is out golfing with the guys. The story I hold about that? Well, that I would never become the kind of woman who stays at home baking bread while my male partner is out golfing/fishing/shooting hoops/hunting/drinking beer/insert-whatever-male-oriented-activity-you-would-like-here. I talk myself off the ledge by reminding myself that I would be buying these ingredients even if I was single. And that the last time my partner golfed was three years ago. Not that my fears are even about golf or bread. Still, I note the story that I tell about such things. Story smashing is needed.

Other Konkin stories I question? That it is normal for me to sustain injuries while in a show, that I hate exercise, that marriages simply don't work, that I am too old to go back to school and that creative professionals don't make good parents.

Another story that I have watched disolve before my eyes: kick ass, voluminous and passionate sex isn't totally necessary in a partnership. Obviously, I haven't ever really known what it was like to have that kind of sex life or I would have never fully believed that. Like expensive soap, that kind of sex ruins you for the mediocre. I never again want to be with anyone that doesn't desire me so much that he can't be bothered to undo my jeans but rips them off instead. And the once a week factor...what was I thinking? Something that good for the soul should be part of every day. Couple that with the stardust of love, mutual future dreams and laughing like you're at Yuk Yuks and DUDE...

There's no going back.

Happy Birthday Joan!

My mother has always been my best friend. And I don't mean best friend in the way that so many other women talk about their mothers, although she is a best friend in that way, too. I mean, a real, true best friend. The night I had my very first one night stand, I came home, crawled onto my mother's bed, woke her up at 2am and told her every gory detail. There has never been catagories in my life labelled 'stuff I can talk to my mom about' and 'stuff I can't talk to my mom about'. Don't get me wrong, she has always tsk-tsk-ed me for swearing and was not pleased when I announced at sixteen that I was in love and ready to lose my virginity. But she never punished me or withdrew her love when I made decisions she didn't agree with. She never chose to be superior and thus alienating. We disagree vehemently about several things and have been known to fight like cats and dogs, but we also spend plenty of nights cuddled under the covers laughing until we almost pee our pants. THAT is the kind of best friend that my mother is to me.

And today she turns a red-hot 64 years of age.

May she know that one of the wishes on her wish list has come true. Her youngest is doing a job she loves and making great money and is surrounded by good friends and has an amazing partner to share it with. My life is filled with the happiness that every parent wants for their children. Job, money, health and a man that could become my husband and the father of my children. But more importantly, I have back my spirit and so even if the job ends (which it will) and there is struggle with money or health, even if I don't end up spending forever with my current partner, I am going to be okay. More than okay. I am going to bloom. She has given me the gift of being my stem...and from there is no limit to what I can achieve.

Happy Birthday Mom. I dedicate your birthday to Cory and his family as they walk through the fire of loss. Cory is realizing now, more than ever, just how much he loved his father, now that his father is gone. I don't want to wait until it is too late to say I love you I love you I love you and that you are my hero. However long I will be given with you on this planet will be appreciated and I take the love I feel for you and I wrap it around Cory. He is a man I have always loved on some level and I long to heal him now. Perhaps he will be a little more healed today when he feels by osmosis that the kind of love we have for our parents can never be lost.

I love you, Helen Cecelia Joan.

And thank you Universe for giving me yet another year to tell this to her.