The Skinny on Skinny

Ah, weight. What a wondeful topic. Is there a topic more emotionally charged for women? Can I even start to pretend that I am not like the masses who fret about what they look like naked almost constantly? Ahhhhh, this contract has brought me back to all the unhealed shit I have to look at in regards to food and weight and loving my body for what it is...

Here are my challenges: I hate cooking with an unparalleled passion. I also hate kitchens. Even being in them stresses me out. I have also now started to dislike greatly grocery stores and the general buying of food. In fact, all of this has made me start to resent eating all together. Part of me kind of wishes that I could just swallow 3 pills a day that would feed me all the nutrients, calories, vitamins, etc. that I needed and not worry about it. That is crazy!! I know it. Food is beautiful and wonderful and necessary. But the older I get the worse my food issues become. Ah, the makings of an eating disorder.

As for my weight, well, it isn't hard to picture from my relationship with food that my weight is far from ideal. No, I am not obese, but that is probably mosly because I dislike kitchens and eating enough that often I will choose to simply NOT eat or eat something small, quick and easy. I am also not at my ideal weight. The only time in the last 10 years that I have been at a weight that feels good and right and proportional has been when I have been miserable - like after my Jordan breakup. When I am simply too miserable to have cravings and only eat to not starve do I end up at a 'good' weight for my height. This is a yucky association to have established. It could follow that I look forward to being miserable because then at least then I will be skinny.

Chips are my crack. And excessive amounts --- it is never 6 almonds with me, it is the whole bag. And the late night after-show binging because it is after the makeup comes off that I get REALLY hungry. Oh, and the dill pickle Doritos. I can't even type those words without groaning in ecstacy. This isn't to mention hilarious moments of buying raw cookie dough and eating the entire thing or how much I adore a buger and fries. In fact, If I don't order fries with my meal, I am pretty much guaranteed to walk around in a state of discontent for the rest of the day. Another awesome habit I have is eating only ONE real meal and making sure that it is sooooooo BIG that it keeps me full for as long as possible. Excellent choice for the metabolism! Ug.

It doesn't really help that I am not in love with excerising. I will dance until I almost collapse and seem to have a large stamina for that type of cardio, but other than that, I dislike sweating. The thought of running sends me into a a state of panic. Swimming means I have to get all wet and, even though I do like it, it does require being in more water than my bath tub holds. Gyms are - well - expensive and boring and biking means that by the time I have gotten to the destination I am wind-blown, sore and grumpy. Not to mention usually soaked to the bone from the BC rain. I like napping. And talking. And I don't mind walking, but in a very STROLLING type way. Sex is fun, but I doubt I can really have enough sex to fulfill all the calorie burning required.

Although I suppose I could give that a try.

Anyway, I am writing about all this, because I am aware that at some point, I gotta make some changes. With all the healthy choices I DO make in my life, this area remains a dark spot. And in a month I will be wearing a bathsuit in front of hundreds - thousands - of people.

And if that isn't motivating, I am not sure what will be.