Wild Rose Detox

So, I am undergoing a twelve day intensive cleanse. There were a million and a half symptoms I was exhibiting that spurred me into this...I like to sum it up generally as an'unbalanced flow'...more going in than was coming out. I am on my second day and am already feeling like my body has been shoved into some twilight zone. Although I am told that by day five I will start to feel like a million bucks, right now I am achey and weak and feeling very empty.

That must be the thing with emotional eating. I eat to fill up an empty feeling that lurks in my conscious OR unconscious. It makes sense then that as I empty my body of all the blocked up food and my belly flattens, I suddenly feel the emotional emptiness that eating Doritios was helping me to avoid. The emptiness I feel today is both physical and emotional. On stage, I feel raw and slow. And sitting here right now, backstage, typing this, I feel an intense urge to cry.

Lots has been happening in regards to --- god, what have I been calling him? --- the mystery guy? Let's end the stupid secrecy around him and call him by his real name - Leon. Leon Willey, my room mate and leading guy in Anything Goes has been the drama in my life pretty much since the first day I moved in. Of course, then, I had a boyfrined and because of that, and the fact that I saw right away that Leon was a hard core smoker and drinker, I didn't really consider him to be anything but good friend material. This isn't to say that I wasn't attracted to him from the very beginning. I was. Very much. And this isn't to say that Leon didn't persue me from the very beginning, despite the obvious reasons we could not be a couple, because he did. But it wasn't until I had come to my personal conclusions about Jax that Leon kissed me. He kissed me and stole the breath right out of my body. He kissed me and in that kiss I was understood in ways no one has understood me in ages. I told myself that maybe I could ignore the smoking and the drinking. I told myself that something that felt that right couldn't have anything but positive effects.

Unfortunately, that wasn't true. Our emergence into the cast as 'more than friends' caused a great stir. Our room mate and friend, Sylvie, suddenly felt isolated and left out. I would look away and attempt to busy myself whenever L would speed outside at break to smoke. Nights at the pub as I watched him down one then two then three then four beers, all the while chain smoking, I died a little bit inside. Then, last Sunday happened. L and I were taken aside by our director and told that our sudden 'coupling' as seen by our hugging and laughing and touching and swooning was totally unprofessional, completely unacceptable and at the heart of why we were failing badly at our roles as Hope and Billy. (Failing?! we thought, we had hardly started rehearsals!) He let us know that other people in the cast had been complaining about how distracting our antics had been in the past week and chucked in a couple addtional comments to me, specifically, about ways that I could straighten up my attitude. It was totally flabbergasting. Shaming. Insulting. Demotivating. And it left both of us in a silent rage.

That was when I decided that I had to put some breaks on this Leon thing. It felt like everywhere I looked, our getting together was creating stress. I was hurt and I was angry and it was terribly upsetting to watch him deal with it by stewing outside, smoking. I knew that I had no big picture potential with a smoker and a drinker. And I decided it would easier at rehearsal to not have to worry about how much happiness was too much happiness. Leon did not agree that being apart was the answer. He didn't understand how smoking and drinking needed to get in the way of our passion. But I was overwhelmed and I retreated.

That was about four days ago. Thankfully, becuase he is such a kind man, he has not given me the silent treatment or punished me in any way. In fact, he has hasn't retreated at all. He is hurt and we both miss each other, but I can see that he is fueled with a faith that this will pass. That we are meant to be together. The most signifigant change is one that I only became aware of yesterday. Although he has tried to keep it from me, yesterday I found out that he has not smoked a cigarette since Wednesday. And he has drank very little. When I found out, I just LOOKED at him...because it was not something I asked him to do. He answered that look with these EYES and said - 'some things are worth fighting for' - and that was that.

Another additional piece of information has been about the 'cast members' that were unhappy about our canoodling. It turns out that really, it was ONE particular cast member that made a complaint. And I am becoming aware that that complaint may have had more to do with jealousy and frustration about not being the source of L's attention than a legitimate concern about artistic boundaries. Ah, politics. It is a cobweb of egos and fears and lust and exhaustion and love and insecurities and addictions and dreams.

And I am right smack dab in the middle of it all.

So, I cleanse. I cleanse and take in all this new information and wonder. I 'cope' with AG rehearsals and try not to resist all the feelings that I am having about - well - everything. Leon suggested that maybe the reason that I am feeling so empty is because I keep pushing everything and everyone away.

Perhaps he is right?

Oh, I dunno.

All I know is that I am freaking hungry.