What's In A Name?

So, I am starting this business. Really, I am just going to learn more about running the business that I have always run...a sole proprietorship as a theatre performer, director, choreographer, writer, producer, administrator, facilitator and consultant. But now, I am going to register my business, learn how to keep the books and concentrate on creating my own projects. Honestly, I am excited to learn more. And I am grateful to be part of a program that pays me so I don't have to take a receptionist position to pay for food.

Thing is, now that I am going to actually register a business, I need to name it. I could register the company as just my name since it is a sole proprietorship. But I am not sure that is my favorite idea...especially if I produce shows in the future. Weird to say on the poster "Krista J. Konkin presents A Chorus Line". You know what I mean? The obvious place to go is to Fill In The Blank Productions, but then I get confused by that idea as well because lots of what I will get hired to do won't be necessarily attached to a production, like facilitating workshops. So then I think about Fill In The Blank Entertainment, or Group or Creatives or Creative Services. It is like I would like to choose something the encompasses everything.

Which brings me to my request. Give me a name for my company. Click here to get to my Konkin Questions page and help me brainstorm. Serious or humorous, I welcome any ideas because who knows what will inspire the actual name to pop up in front of me.

The closest thing I have so far is based on this blog. Live Out Loud Productions or Creative Services. Shortened to LOL Productions or Creative Services is both cool and annoying due to the fact that LOL stands for Laugh Out Loud in cyber talk. I have thought up a cool logo for it, though. I dunno. Not totally convinced. Looks like I am needing your help...

GO NOW...NAME AWAY!!!!!!

The Afternoon That Smelled Like Celery

After all my bluster about how heinous this industry is and how this contract has just confirmed for me how this is not how I want to live my life or Who I Want To Be...I get handed a script and an audition time for the show here in January.

Like an automoton, I took the script and thanked them for the audition time. It didn't even occur to me in that moment to hand the script back and say 'no thank you, I would rather inject hot sand into my eyeballs than to do another contract'. In that moment it just felt so good to be wanted and, overcome with the 'they like me! they like me!' Ego, I simply smiled from ear to ear and felt all warm and gooey inside.

But then things started happening. I went to a party filled with theatre gossip and felt sick to my stomache. I found out a piece of information that made me question if I had been used and definitely made me question if my current employers think much of me at all. Etc, etc, etc. All the crappy crap that I fled from in Toronto, all the icky pooey stuff that my Anything Goes rehearsals reminded me of, allllllll of it, started rushing back and It made me stop and think. If I am unhappy doing theatre contracts then why am I auditioning for another one? Especially when it would take me from my Vancouver nest for another four months? Why am I doing the opposite of what I say?

My answers are sketchy at best. I am terrified of January 2008 coming around and becoming unemployed again with not only a hard go at finding a job, but not even knowing what KIND of job I am looking to do. I also want to do everything and anythnig possible to stay near to my boyfriend, who, too, is auditioning for the show. And because I want to be offered the role, to compete for it and GET IT because getting a role over another person gives my EGO such an instant feed that it makes me feel instantly, if only temporarily, worthy. All three of these excuses are pretty powerful motivators in and of themselves. Together they are flat out blinding.

Tonight Leon and I read over the scenes and had so much fun. THIS IS THE REASON TO DO THE AUDITION, I suddenly realized. For fun. For the joy of it. Without attachment to the outcome, without the fear that it I won't know what else to do, without panic about staying close to Leon, without a need to prove myself. If I audition, which I am not sure I will do, I must only do it for the fun and then if I get the show, I must only take it if it feels 100% wonderful. Otherwise, I really would rather be working retail or filing conveyancing files at a Real Estate office.

Not sure what I will decide. Either way, I will land on my feet.

Pretty sure I still got a few of those nine lives left.

The Basement Online

Over the last couple of months I have collected many photographs of the antics that Leon, Sylvie and I have gotten up to in our apartment, infamously coined "The Basement"...

Here are some of my favorites collected in the newest of Konkin's Kick Ass Photo Gallery...

Breaking The Mold

In about a month I will turn 31. And before I leave behind this monumental 30th year of my life, I wanna break as many molds as possible. Rock my own boat. Shake things up. Challenge the stories I have told about myself to myself for a long time.

Two really cool molds that I have already broken are as follows: I have been cooking! Nothing spectacular, but I have been doing more than pouring myself a bowl of cereal or poppin' open a bag of chips. I have been turning on stoves all of my own accord and making myself the wonderfully bland concoctions of brown rice and veggies that I am allowed to eat on my cleanse (which is going quite well...I mean, I could eat human flesh I am so hungry, but other than that, a true success). Before the cleanse, I made Leon a great Pad Thai which took two pots and a frying pan all going at the same time! And I feel more motivated then ever before to try new and different things in the kitchen. Small steps, but that is a HUGE mold to break.

Another thing that I did at the urging of my darling Leon, is eat fish. I have said that I hate seafood for sooooo long that I couldn't really remember what it was about seafood that I disliked. So, Leon put a piece of wild BC salmon in my mouth and told me to chew (he is quite bossy with me, which is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me...lol). I chewed and you know what? It wasn't that bad!! Then on Monday night at the Campbell's I ate an entire piece of Halibut and didn't mind it. I didn't LOVE it, but it wasn't at all replusive either. Fascinating!

Two other things I might try in the next four weeks as part of this mold breaking plan --- go for a run (in celebration of my time with Jax) and try smoking pot. Just once. Once for each. Except running --- if I like that, for some reason, I will continue on. As for the pot, It is more about facing a deep fear that I have about letting an outside source alter my control. But I don't think that it is something I am looking to do to add to the quality of my life. Just one try and perhaps during the camping trip that a bunch of us are planning on taking for my 31st birthday. I am a BC resident now, after all.

I extend the challenge to all my readers to break one of their own molds. Find a story you have told about yourself and let it go. "I don't sing in public" could become a trip this weekend to a kareoke bar. "I am attracted to bad boys" could become accepting a date with that really good guy that you have hung out with for years. "I'm a smoker" could become a sudden chucking of your cigarettes into the garbage. Maybe for those of you who are really brave the "I'm straight" or "I'm gay" could mean an evening of sexual experimentation with the gender that you are so certain doesn't turn you on at all?

Think of it as Life Bungee Jumping....

Just without the cord.

To Love Is To Be Happy With

Awakened today am I to all the simple things that make life so lovely.

The feel of my car speeding me along the highway to Victoria, window down, tunes blasting. Lindy hopping to live jazz all night long, my feet moving to unchoreographed beats, their only purpose to swing. Standing in a hot shower, letting the water wipe away the last week of turmoil and then falling asleep under soft duvets while listening the the waves of the Pacific Ocean crash outside of my window.

Drinking tea in the sun on the back porch, overlooking the water. Picking a book from a wall of titles and upon reading the first few words, knowing that they were exactly the words I had been needing to hear. Having the time to curl up on a comfy couch witht that book, a basket of fresh berries at my side to snack on, and then allowing myself put my book and my to-do list aside and instead fall asleep into a most luxurious catnap.

Oh, to go for an after-nap walk along the water and let the whip of the ocean wind wake me up. To sing softly to myself reminders of how lucky I am to be alive and the fullness and vibrancy of my future. To fill my day with only that which brings me pleasure and allow tomorrow to take care of itself.

I am so blessed.

And oh! do I know it.

Turning The Other Cheek

Sometimes you gotta take the hits. Sometimes you gotta cease the fire of defensive comebacks and just allow people to judge you as they will. Sometimes you gotta take your director's notes, even if you think he or she is out to lunch, and simply say thank you. It ain't the easiest choice and it can feel like you are allowing yourself to be beaten up, but sometimes it is allowing the hits that causes you to grow the most.

The trick is to never believe what other's say about you - be it good or bad. Someone notable once said that you can't let praise or criticism get to you - it's a weakness to get caught up in either one. The trick is keep loving yourself through it all - to always stay on your own side, even if everyone else turns against you. Easier said than done, I know. I seem to be living in a cess pool of criticism these days. But I am not a victim and on some level I have invited it -- to learn what, I am not yet sure. Possibly to keep strengthening my belief in myself. Possibly to keep building up the backbone that I so recently misplaced.

I am not proud of some of the choices I have made. But I have done the best I knew how to do. Where I have made strong choices, I strive to acknowledge my growth and where I have failed, I strive to use my failings to gain compassion for those I once judged for the same failings. I also know that I have been judging some people around here lately pretty harshly, so I am not surprised to find myself creating a backflow of judgement upon myself.

Ah, we live, we learn. I suppose I could crawl into a ball and hide from the world (and don't get me wrong, I REALLY kinda like that idea). Or I could just say I'm sorry to those I hurt, thank you to those who feel it necessary to point out where I've come up short... and then shosholoza. My other option seems to be summed up nicely in Hubbard's words...

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

And really, I'm too young to be dead.

Wild Rose Detox

So, I am undergoing a twelve day intensive cleanse. There were a million and a half symptoms I was exhibiting that spurred me into this...I like to sum it up generally as an'unbalanced flow'...more going in than was coming out. I am on my second day and am already feeling like my body has been shoved into some twilight zone. Although I am told that by day five I will start to feel like a million bucks, right now I am achey and weak and feeling very empty.

That must be the thing with emotional eating. I eat to fill up an empty feeling that lurks in my conscious OR unconscious. It makes sense then that as I empty my body of all the blocked up food and my belly flattens, I suddenly feel the emotional emptiness that eating Doritios was helping me to avoid. The emptiness I feel today is both physical and emotional. On stage, I feel raw and slow. And sitting here right now, backstage, typing this, I feel an intense urge to cry.

Lots has been happening in regards to --- god, what have I been calling him? --- the mystery guy? Let's end the stupid secrecy around him and call him by his real name - Leon. Leon Willey, my room mate and leading guy in Anything Goes has been the drama in my life pretty much since the first day I moved in. Of course, then, I had a boyfrined and because of that, and the fact that I saw right away that Leon was a hard core smoker and drinker, I didn't really consider him to be anything but good friend material. This isn't to say that I wasn't attracted to him from the very beginning. I was. Very much. And this isn't to say that Leon didn't persue me from the very beginning, despite the obvious reasons we could not be a couple, because he did. But it wasn't until I had come to my personal conclusions about Jax that Leon kissed me. He kissed me and stole the breath right out of my body. He kissed me and in that kiss I was understood in ways no one has understood me in ages. I told myself that maybe I could ignore the smoking and the drinking. I told myself that something that felt that right couldn't have anything but positive effects.

Unfortunately, that wasn't true. Our emergence into the cast as 'more than friends' caused a great stir. Our room mate and friend, Sylvie, suddenly felt isolated and left out. I would look away and attempt to busy myself whenever L would speed outside at break to smoke. Nights at the pub as I watched him down one then two then three then four beers, all the while chain smoking, I died a little bit inside. Then, last Sunday happened. L and I were taken aside by our director and told that our sudden 'coupling' as seen by our hugging and laughing and touching and swooning was totally unprofessional, completely unacceptable and at the heart of why we were failing badly at our roles as Hope and Billy. (Failing?! we thought, we had hardly started rehearsals!) He let us know that other people in the cast had been complaining about how distracting our antics had been in the past week and chucked in a couple addtional comments to me, specifically, about ways that I could straighten up my attitude. It was totally flabbergasting. Shaming. Insulting. Demotivating. And it left both of us in a silent rage.

That was when I decided that I had to put some breaks on this Leon thing. It felt like everywhere I looked, our getting together was creating stress. I was hurt and I was angry and it was terribly upsetting to watch him deal with it by stewing outside, smoking. I knew that I had no big picture potential with a smoker and a drinker. And I decided it would easier at rehearsal to not have to worry about how much happiness was too much happiness. Leon did not agree that being apart was the answer. He didn't understand how smoking and drinking needed to get in the way of our passion. But I was overwhelmed and I retreated.

That was about four days ago. Thankfully, becuase he is such a kind man, he has not given me the silent treatment or punished me in any way. In fact, he has hasn't retreated at all. He is hurt and we both miss each other, but I can see that he is fueled with a faith that this will pass. That we are meant to be together. The most signifigant change is one that I only became aware of yesterday. Although he has tried to keep it from me, yesterday I found out that he has not smoked a cigarette since Wednesday. And he has drank very little. When I found out, I just LOOKED at him...because it was not something I asked him to do. He answered that look with these EYES and said - 'some things are worth fighting for' - and that was that.

Another additional piece of information has been about the 'cast members' that were unhappy about our canoodling. It turns out that really, it was ONE particular cast member that made a complaint. And I am becoming aware that that complaint may have had more to do with jealousy and frustration about not being the source of L's attention than a legitimate concern about artistic boundaries. Ah, politics. It is a cobweb of egos and fears and lust and exhaustion and love and insecurities and addictions and dreams.

And I am right smack dab in the middle of it all.

So, I cleanse. I cleanse and take in all this new information and wonder. I 'cope' with AG rehearsals and try not to resist all the feelings that I am having about - well - everything. Leon suggested that maybe the reason that I am feeling so empty is because I keep pushing everything and everyone away.

Perhaps he is right?

Oh, I dunno.

All I know is that I am freaking hungry.

Plan B

This Facebook thing is a phenomenon. Really. It far out weighs the effect myspace ever had on my life. I am literally bumping into people on this site that I haven't seen in over 15 years - people I truly never thought I would see again. Everybody is on this thing...old friends from Moose Jaw, summer camp friends from my pre-pubescent years, college mates with whom I had lost touch, exs, elementary school friends, lindyhoppers that passed quickly through my life and even family members! I love this site! How could this be anything but positive?!

As for my love life...well, that truly is anything but positive. The obstacles that have presented themselves ten fold have successfully discourged me from being involved with the afore mentioned mystery man. If Jax and I were lacking the 'fit' in terms of ability to communicate and really 'get' each other in a mental, spiritual way then this other guy and I are lacking the 'fit' in lifestyle choices. He and I have the passion down pat and couldn't be more on the same wave length in terms of personality, but the way he leads his life doesn't jive with mine. In fact, many of his life choices are distinctly opposite of all that I believe in. And even though I thought I could over look all that, I am now pretty darn sure that I can not. Must I choose one or the other, or will I meet someone someday that clicks in all areas? Perhaps that is too optimistic, but I am willing to take the risk and find out.

Thing is, I see this guy every day. And my lust factor for him is as huge as our connection. So, now I must try to stay strong in my resolve. Which could be easier said than done. My plan is to enjoy all that is wonderful about being single. Work on my art, read more books, talk solitary island walks like I did last summer, flirt with whoever I want, stop stressing about birth control, spend time with friends, write, work, be blissful. Well, that's the plan anyway.

And if all else fails, I will live vicariously through facebook.

We'll call that Plan B.

The Skinny on Skinny

Ah, weight. What a wondeful topic. Is there a topic more emotionally charged for women? Can I even start to pretend that I am not like the masses who fret about what they look like naked almost constantly? Ahhhhh, this contract has brought me back to all the unhealed shit I have to look at in regards to food and weight and loving my body for what it is...

Here are my challenges: I hate cooking with an unparalleled passion. I also hate kitchens. Even being in them stresses me out. I have also now started to dislike greatly grocery stores and the general buying of food. In fact, all of this has made me start to resent eating all together. Part of me kind of wishes that I could just swallow 3 pills a day that would feed me all the nutrients, calories, vitamins, etc. that I needed and not worry about it. That is crazy!! I know it. Food is beautiful and wonderful and necessary. But the older I get the worse my food issues become. Ah, the makings of an eating disorder.

As for my weight, well, it isn't hard to picture from my relationship with food that my weight is far from ideal. No, I am not obese, but that is probably mosly because I dislike kitchens and eating enough that often I will choose to simply NOT eat or eat something small, quick and easy. I am also not at my ideal weight. The only time in the last 10 years that I have been at a weight that feels good and right and proportional has been when I have been miserable - like after my Jordan breakup. When I am simply too miserable to have cravings and only eat to not starve do I end up at a 'good' weight for my height. This is a yucky association to have established. It could follow that I look forward to being miserable because then at least then I will be skinny.

Chips are my crack. And excessive amounts --- it is never 6 almonds with me, it is the whole bag. And the late night after-show binging because it is after the makeup comes off that I get REALLY hungry. Oh, and the dill pickle Doritos. I can't even type those words without groaning in ecstacy. This isn't to mention hilarious moments of buying raw cookie dough and eating the entire thing or how much I adore a buger and fries. In fact, If I don't order fries with my meal, I am pretty much guaranteed to walk around in a state of discontent for the rest of the day. Another awesome habit I have is eating only ONE real meal and making sure that it is sooooooo BIG that it keeps me full for as long as possible. Excellent choice for the metabolism! Ug.

It doesn't really help that I am not in love with excerising. I will dance until I almost collapse and seem to have a large stamina for that type of cardio, but other than that, I dislike sweating. The thought of running sends me into a a state of panic. Swimming means I have to get all wet and, even though I do like it, it does require being in more water than my bath tub holds. Gyms are - well - expensive and boring and biking means that by the time I have gotten to the destination I am wind-blown, sore and grumpy. Not to mention usually soaked to the bone from the BC rain. I like napping. And talking. And I don't mind walking, but in a very STROLLING type way. Sex is fun, but I doubt I can really have enough sex to fulfill all the calorie burning required.

Although I suppose I could give that a try.

Anyway, I am writing about all this, because I am aware that at some point, I gotta make some changes. With all the healthy choices I DO make in my life, this area remains a dark spot. And in a month I will be wearing a bathsuit in front of hundreds - thousands - of people.

And if that isn't motivating, I am not sure what will be.

Bending Over For Fear

Leanne, faced again with a man in her life that is too scared to go the distance, asked me to reiterate something I said about fear on the phone. Here is what I said:

as human beings our goal is to feel fear, but not allow it to make the ultimate decision. if and when we do this we rob ourselves of our self-respect and of the hidden jems that can come from taking a leap into the seemingly impossible. i would almost say as an experiment we should all sometimes make a decision based on doing the opposite of what our fear tells us to do...even if it is just to make sure that we don't become fear's bitch.

Funny, when I read it over, I hear myself giving the advice that I need to hear in my own life. I have been brave enough to tell the truth about what I wanted (or didn't want) with Jax. Now, I am being presented, so soon after my breakup, with another test of my bravery. And I am wondering if I should just choose to go in the exact opposite direction of what Fear is telling me to do which is RUN. My only conflict is that It may not be fear that is telling me to run, but wisdom.

Wisdom reminds me that to compromise my core values in order to justify being with someone is a recipe for disaster. If someone who is part of PETA falls in love with a hunter, what do they do with that? Do they honor the love they feel or the values that define who it is they are? Can a couple be a team, but fight for two different sides of a noble cause? Does one allow someone into their life who smokes pot every day when they, themselves, believe that marijuana is the bain of society?

Wisdom, fear, love and self-trust. None of it is easy and not every choice can be the strongest one. I like to think that the most important thing is to just make the decision with confidence and no apology. There is no way to say that a particular choice is the Right one or the Wrong one and it is near impossible to please everyone with the outcome of deciding upon something. So, I may just need to dive head long into this thing that has presented itself to me and just know that no matter how it ends up I will be okay.

Backstage right now at Murder typing this...hoping to do a Backstage at MOTN Vlog soon. The sun is doing its best outside to give us a true spring day and this week's paycheck waits in my purse to be cashed. Life is good, even if it is confusing. Life is worth it, even when a student in Virgina decides to numb their pain by taking lives. Life is here to help us find a way back to loving ourselves.

I have been courting fear far to long.

And I am sick of letting it do what it wants with my life...

doggy style.

Nothing Easy About It

Jax and I have broken up.

I suppose it was my decision in the end, but like he said in his last email he has also made a 'narrow escape' from the chaos that is me. There aren't any clear cut reasons that I can outline all neatly inside of a paragraph except that my heart has taken a different shape since arriving here in Chemainus. A part of me that started to come back to life in Regina this past winter has bubbled up with a vengence and it seemed that one morning I woke up and it was very clear that Jax and I would make each other miserable in a big picture sense. As perfect as we were for each other in many ways, there was always a sense of staring at each other like we had just arrived on the other's planet. Especially in the way we communicated with each other. As it became increasingly difficult to feel safe going to him with the complexity of my feeling world, it became increasingly easy to go to the people here in this tiny town. That isn't to say that how he communicated was wrong, because he can be one of the most eloquent and articulate human beings I have ever met. It was about it being different. It was about having to work hard, really hard, to make the other understand, to get through, to be truly heard. But that is all I am going to say about that, because at the end of the day my biggest lesson here hasn't been what the deal breakers were or were not. The real lesson has been about trusting myself.

It isn't that easy a thing to do. I know I am not the only one who goes through the following: you take some quiet time to just be with your thoughts. For some of us that might be meditation, for some a hike, for some it could come while they spend time cuddling a baby. During that time in silence you begin to ponder many things...am I happy? What should I do about fill in the blank? What is behind the feeling of disconnect that I am having lately? And on and on. Now, sometimes in those moments the pondering just hovers in the land of questioning and no clarity arrives. But sometimes, when the silence is deep enough and all judgements about what the answer might be is let go, answers do arise. THIS isn't the difficult part, even though it can be a rare experience. The difficult part is believing, honouring and then acting on those answers.

The natural thing is to second guess why those are the answers. You admonish yourself for having this thought and critically explain to yourself that you are simply being selfish or afraid or repeating old, dysfunctional patterns. Or you immediately disregard whatever the answer is because it would require the bravery of CHANGING SOMETHING. For instance, you ask yourself 'do I enjoy this job I am currently doing?' and after brushing away the cobwebs that have gathered on your intuition you hear yourself answer a resounding 'no. I do not enjoy the job i am doing. i am only doing it for the money. if i had a trillion dollars i would not be doing this job'. If we trusted ourselves, we would stop doing that job. There would be no fear because we would know we would easily find another job AND it would be the one we loved. There would be no guilt because we would know that what our intution tells us is the wisest voice there is from which to take council. There would be no convincing ourselves that the only reason we had that answer is because we are commitment-phobes and always quit. The fact that we would be the kind of person that trusted ourselves would mean that we loved ourselves as well. And when we can truly love and trust ourselves, we have found the holy grail.

Well, I got quiet and asked some hard questions and now I am acting fully on what the voices of my intuition were telling me. Jax is a beautiful soul, but he is not the person I am supposed to spend forever beside. Right now, I am choosing to listen to that and to trust that. The trick will be to not beat myself up over the hurt that this decision may cause. Or to punish myself so much that I miss out on soaking up every wonderful second of this Chemainus chapter - which is bringing me so much happiness. Does he deserve someone who is sure of him? Yes, most definitely. Will I miss him? Of course I will. Is that a good enough reason to sustain a relationship long term? No, it is not.

Everything changes and on life goes. My heart still heals from last year and lets go of this new love and keeps trying to open open open to whatever it is that I might be allowed to learn from it all. Simple, but not easy. Nope.

Nothing Easy About It.

Happy Birthday Joan!

My mother has always been my best friend. And I don't mean best friend in the way that so many other women talk about their mothers, although she is a best friend in that way, too. I mean, a real, true best friend. The night I had my very first one night stand, I came home, crawled onto my mother's bed, woke her up at 2am and told her every gory detail. There has never been catagories in my life labelled 'stuff I can talk to my mom about' and 'stuff I can't talk to my mom about'. Don't get me wrong, she has always tsk-tsk-ed me for swearing and was not pleased when I announced at sixteen that I was in love and ready to lose my virginity. But she never punished me or withdrew her love when I made decisions she didn't agree with. She never chose to be superior and thus alienating. We disagree vehemently about several things and have been known to fight like cats and dogs, but we also spend plenty of nights cuddled under the covers laughing until we almost pee our pants. THAT is the kind of best friend that my mother is to me.

And today she turns a red-hot 64 years of age.

May she know that one of the wishes on her wish list has come true. Her youngest is doing a job she loves and making great money and is surrounded by good friends and has an amazing partner to share it with. My life is filled with the happiness that every parent wants for their children. Job, money, health and a man that could become my husband and the father of my children. But more importantly, I have back my spirit and so even if the job ends (which it will) and there is struggle with money or health, even if I don't end up spending forever with my current partner, I am going to be okay. More than okay. I am going to bloom. She has given me the gift of being my stem...and from there is no limit to what I can achieve.

Happy Birthday Mom. I dedicate your birthday to Cory and his family as they walk through the fire of loss. Cory is realizing now, more than ever, just how much he loved his father, now that his father is gone. I don't want to wait until it is too late to say I love you I love you I love you and that you are my hero. However long I will be given with you on this planet will be appreciated and I take the love I feel for you and I wrap it around Cory. He is a man I have always loved on some level and I long to heal him now. Perhaps he will be a little more healed today when he feels by osmosis that the kind of love we have for our parents can never be lost.

I love you, Helen Cecelia Joan.

And thank you Universe for giving me yet another year to tell this to her.

Give and Take

It is said that you find happiness in giving. It is said that you find whatever it is you are looking for by giving away that which you seek. You want your partner to pay more attention to you? Pay more attention to them. Pay more attention to yourself and those around you. You want your parents to not be so critical and tell you that they are proud of you no matter what? Praise anyone and everyone that you bump into and pat yourself on the back for even the tiniest things that you do 'right'. You want career success? Help someone younger and less experienced than you to excel on their career path.

This all makes perfect sense. So why is it so hard to do?

I want peace, so I must be peaceful. I want to have fun above all in this contract, so I must be a fun person and find fun in anything and everything that presents itself. I want to make sure that my partnership does not tarnish from the sting of this separation so I must stay as close to my own heart as possible.

I have had a good couple of days. We do our first dress rehearsal tomorrow and I think that I am at least on the right track now with this Kay character. Soon, so soon, we will be up and running and starting rehearsals for Anything Goes and March will be over. I want to soak in the Now and not let it all pass too fast. It is easy to resist my Now...especially when I have a weird conversation with my boyfriend that leaves me feeling disconnected or when I feel overwhelmed with the show and would prefer to just run away.

But I am wiser at 30 than I ever was at 20. I know that ALL OF IT, the good stuff and the bad stuff, is part of an amazing chapter that I will, one day, think back fondly on and miss. Even the bad stuff. I know this. When I was in Toronto and too poor to pay my exorbitant hydro bill and Aidan and I had to boil water on the stove to pour into the bathtub in order to bath with something other than cold water --- well, I never thought that I would ever miss that. But, you know what? I do, sometimes. I think back on us running naked from tub to kitchen to snatch the next boiling pot from the stove and I smile from ear to ear. That is the stuff of juicy movie plots and hilariously real TV shows. Even better, that is the stuff of life.

So, I sit here, thankful for everything. Here, right now, as I type this way too late at night and listen to Leon watching the news in the living room next door and Sylvie in her bedroom forever on her cell phone and Jax a zillion miles away and my hair a slightly too-blonde color and my ankles still thick and my closet-less bedroom my newest sanctuary - I am content with What Is. Even the parts that aren't ideal are okay because they are Right Now and Right Now can never and will never ever ever be again.

And because Right Now is pretty freaking fantastic.

This is what I have to give tonight.

This Not Complaining Thing Sucks

How can it be so hard to not complain? I didn't know...wasn't aware...that I complained so much.

It doesn't help when, on top of having to get all my hair chopped off, they go and give me a bad highlight job. Now, I look like an acne ridden boy with trailer trash blonde hair and bad roots. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I must say it is surprising to me how challenging I am finding this rehearsal period. Between feeling picked on, being seperated from Jax, the hair abuse, the break-in and the two car breakdowns in seven days things have not gotten off to a smooth start. Yet, I am so happy in other ways. Getting a pay check every week is splendid and living with Sylvie and Leon is like living at Second City - no end of laughter. Chemainus is sleepy and little and my cast members are all a delight to work with. Despite being away from Jax, I am well aware of how blessed I am to have him in my life and spring fills the air with the smell of apple blossoms and wood smoke. It is a mishmash of very good and very bad in every day. Suppose that is what They call Life.

We open the show a week tomorrow. I have very few feelings about that, save relief. Ooops, that sounded like complaining again.

Wellllllllll...if you're gonna do it, you might as well go big.

Things that I don't like: haivng to worry about birth control, the current price of gas, the news that Stephen Harper is actually gaining popularity in recent poles, knowledge that people like Henry Picton are out there in the world, not getting to see Jax for most of April, paying for cable when I don't even watch TV, my ugly too-blonde hair, not being able to lose the extra few pounds I gained in Europe, having a hard time finding someone to do the flash updates on my home page, asking Jordan to do me favours, getting dramatic emails from friends telling me all the negative things they feel about me, feeling guilty unless I email them back, not having a spiritual centre to attend while being here, not having enough hours in my day, getting up in the morning, being cold, people giving me unsolicited advice, finding I have too much month at the end of my money, slow internet, being told that my partner can not be put on my comp list because he isn't my spouse, the tradition of taking a man's last name when you marry them, Immigration red tape, cooking, feeling like I am failing, junk mail, that all my CDs were stolen, living out of suitcases, not being able to let go, the word cope, having a chiropractor in town that is so busy you can't get in to see him, people that don't email you back, that nobody seems to submit answers on my Konkin Questions page, feeling like crying but the tears being stuck, smoking, not being eligible for a mortgage, being seperated from #206, waiting for it to get better, it only getting worse.

There. Purged. I would say that the 21 days could start tomorrow, but since I have to go show my hair to the designers tomorrow, that would be a foolish plan. Or is there a way of saying 'this is crap' without it being a complaint?

No, I didn't think so.

One Debt or Another

I am in an awful mood. It is kind of fascinating. Been awhile since I have felt the way I do right now. And you know what the highlight of my day has been? Going to the bank.

No, I am not being sarcastic. I really enjoy managing money. It feels like a very big, important game that has awesome outcomes if you can wiggle your way around the rules. I don't mean AROUND the rules as in doing anything remotely illegal or unethical. I mean...well...let me give you an example...

Today I paid off my credit card (which was the soul source of my Europe financing) with my credit line. My Visa's interest rate is 11% and my credit line's interest rate is prime + 2.5 which comes to 8.5%. That is the first step. In a few weeks I will then pay off my credit line once again with my Visa, but using my promotional Visa cheques which allow me to consolidate debt at a rate of 2.99%!! It is truly brilliant! So, as I pay off my Europe debt, which I will undoubtedly do quite quickly because Chemainus is paying me well, I will be accruing hardly any interest. I love this. I love flipping and flopping my debt around and paying it off and then getting into more debt and then flipping that around as well. This is very un-artist-y of me, I know. This is the part of me that prefers my MacBook to people and gets horny color coding files or organizing supply closets.

I also kinda like tax time. True, this could be because I am almost always certian of getting money back and am sure that If filing my taxes meant forking over a bunch more dough to the government I would feel differently. But there is something so satisfying about pulling out my yellow tax receipt book where I keep my receipts organized in seperate, labeled, plastic sleeves and adding up each sub-category to make a total. I enjoy that it makes me look at the past year being that I am addicted to nostalgia. I like the methodical nature of adding and ticking things off and stapling the neat little groups of papers to each other. And obviously, I love the tax refund that all this effort seems to cultivate.

When I look at these aspects of myself I wonder how it is I became a tap dancing, highly emotive, gypsy nuthead. My gemini nature is evident --- I have two distinct KJs. One the them wants to work with people and entertain and storytell and commune with spirit in flowing skirts and paint to african drumming music while burning armomatherapy scents and live in a cottage and work on creative, ethical contracts and make crafts and drink tea. The other wants to have an obsessively decorated and organized home office where I conduct a career based around my MacBook and see very few people and make a crap load of money that I can spend time investing and managing and watch my wealth grow and wear crisp white blouses and drive a Mercedes convertible and keep my life in neat little columns that add up.

Sorta like this blog...sometimes I just write because I like the thought of communicating human truths and thus connecting in a very real way to anyone who might read my words. And then sometimes I wonder about how I could jam this whole kjkonkin.com Finding Me Live Out Loud stuff into a money making equation and live off the profits.

Woohoo!

Suddenly, I am not in such a bad mood.

I think

It is late February and it is snowing out. I sit here typing this in front of the fireplace at my boyfriend's condo in Surrey. I have a boyfriend. Last year at this time I had a different boyfriend who was getting up the guts to leave me. Now, I have a boyfriend who rushes home to see me and can't keep his hands off of me. Last year at this time, I hated myself. Today I sit here in front of the fireplace while it snows outside and I am happy. It's all kind of boggling.

I think about Darren who is unable, yet, to let go of his ex. I watch his suffering and I do not judge it because I was there, not so long ago. I remember logging onto Skype just to see HTSNBN pop up on my contact list. He is an addict and she is the drug and he is hitting rock bottom, but at least he knows he is. I would never think of preaching at him that it all gets better and that true love waits for him, like it did for me. Because it is not that simple. Letting go is fucking scary.

I think about how everything is cyclical. Doors open and close, loves begin and end and nothing at all stays the same. I think about how much I miss certain chapters of my life that will never be again. I think about how curious and excited I am to venture into my very uncertain future.

I think everyone should go and see the first part of my Europe Photo Gallery. It is tres fun.

I think about Sara-Jeanne. I sit and laugh with her again and I am well aware that she is one of the great loves of my life inclusive of all the closeness and quarrels. Being around her gives me permission to be as Big as I want, as Loud as I want and to never worry that I am stealing the spotlight...because she can hold her own, she is never put off by my brash craziness and can dish out twice as much as I can. As a woman who is often criticized for being 'too much', being with SJ is like unbuttoning my pants after a large meal. It is sweet relief.

I think about a year ago this day. Instantly all the images that have maimed me for so long start their ever-destructive slide show. The apartment suddenly half empty, filled with boxes screaming of my failure to be enough for him. The letter he left on the coffee table the night he packed those boxes, filled with such anguish that I was given false hope. The couch strewn diagonally across the hardwood floor like an angry scar. For weeks, for months, I saw the world through a smear of tears. I remember not being able to eat and losing tremendous weight. I remember being sure I would not survive. God, how badly it
hurt.

I think about how I did survive. It almost killed me, but not quite.

I think about having a baby. I wonder if I have just met the man that I am supposed to have a baby with. I try to figure out how I could possibly be ready for a baby and then I remember that I am not 18 any more, but 30. Thirty year olds are not too young to be mothers. I question just how much I have grown up.

I think about my friends. The centre of many different social groups, I have tried for so long to weld them together and convince everyone to love each other. Thing is, they do not. Jax says to me 'not everybody has to love everybody else' and my heart hurts because, even though I know he is correct, I hate that truth. Upon returning to Vancouver, it feels like my social network is catawampus and the only thing I know to do about it is Let It Be. Hard for a control freak.

I think about whether or not I should keep subletting my apartment or move out all together. In a good moment with Jax I feel like moving out, letting him use all my stuff while I am gone for the year and then reassessing my living situation in 2008. Of course, that reeks of me already planning to live with him which is very rushy rushy. In a less than good moment with Jax I am once again convinced that It will be empowering to keep my own place and independence and not get myself into a situation where I am beholden. Not sure if this is the one-foot-out-the-door kind of thinking that I use to employ in my younger years or the has-learned-her-lesson-and-knows-that-the-most-important-thing-is-to-not-give-away-any-of-her-power kind of thinking that is simply hard earned wisdom.

I think about Kyle and Dashboard Confessional and the smell of sugared fig and wet cedar. This summer was an amazing summer. I was in pain but fully alive and as deeply happy as I was sad. Now Kyle is planning to have a baby with the love of his life and our twelve hour seawall walk plays in my memory almost like it happened to someone else. I think about a butterfly emerging from her cocoon and I think that that was what was happening to me this summer.

I think about flying now. I think about Europe and all that I learned in those jammed packed seven weeks. I think about how far away Surrey seems to me and I think about whether or not I am going to love my room mates in Chemainus and I sigh at the thought of spending this whole year in a 'long distance relationship'.

I think about what Maurice Atkinson - Jax's dad - said to me in Gloucester...that I think too much.

(there is that 'too much' thing again)

I think I like thinking and feeling too much.

I think I have decided to just commit to being Me from now on. All parts of Me. The thinker, the feeler, the 'too much' and the 'not enough'. For those who can take it, they are invited to stay awhile. For those that wish to edit Me, I hope they have infinite patience 'cause it ain't ever gonna happen.

I think that's what is called a spine.

Good to have it back again.