Live Out Loud

Choosing Contentment

2008-05-11T09:49:00.002-07:00

A few years back, during some of the hardest years of my mid-twenties, I came back home to Saskatchewan to visit an old friend and her husband. They were living in Weyburn on an acreage and raising their two boys. I was living in Toronto and living the typical actor in Toronto life, full of drama and uncertainty. Upon arriving at their home, I saw the husband playing catch with one of his sons and she was helping their youngest climb up things. They were the picture of a happy family.

Once inside, the happy family picture did not change. The boys were adorable and well behaved and charming as all heck. The husband, who at one point thought he might become a chef, went into the kitchen and started whipping up a fantastic meal while my friend and I caught up. It was obvious through the laughter and connection that she and her husband were still happily in love and that, of course, reflected in their children. During supper, in the middle of eating, I stopped and really took a look around. It put me in awe, especially at a time in my life when true happiness was an elusive commodity. Being someone who says everything out loud, I put down my fork and told them all how lucky they were and how thrilled and envious I was at their palpable happiness.

My friend, never one to back down from an opportunity to state her opinion gave me a wry smile and said "Yes, Krista. It's called contentment. You should try it."

That conversation stuck with me for years. I went back to Toronto and stayed unhappy for only a year more before taking my infamous hiatus from theatre and moving away from Toronto. Contentment was so foreign to me that it was embarrassing. That is when I moved to Vancouver, started to attend CSL and ultimately began Finding Me. It was said that I was trying to find my life purpose which immediately makes all of us, including myself, think of career path. Or at least something that one DOES that they are passionate about. But after a year or so, when I lost Jordan, I realized that my real life's purpose, my real search, was for contentment. That elusive feeling that says "I am completely at peace and in joy with whatever I am experiencing right now".

So, have I found it? Hmmm, hard question. I am finding more moments of it, for sure. The last year and a half has brought me more contented spaces than the thirty years previous. The hard part for me is to learn how to reach for the stars (synonymous with wanting more) and still feel contentment with right now. If dreaming and longing brings dissatisfaction with what I have going currently, then does that make dreaming and longing a dangerous game to play? Or have I just not mastered the Art Of Dreaming - an art form, when learned, that brings you even more Joy and not a one way ticket towards Bluesville.

Can I be content with forever being a Dreamer?

Ommmm And CUT

2008-05-08T12:35:00.002-07:00

I meditated today. Finally. After over a year. It ebbs and flows for me, meditation. Like going to a gym. I will get spurts of motivation and it will feed on itself, but when something brings it to a halt, I will take a loooong pause. Since I met Leon in March of 2007, I haven't meditated. Well, maybe twice in organized settings, but not really. Not on my own. Since watching the New Earth classes with Eckhart, I have felt deeply that I needed to get back to it. There is silence in my life here in Moose Jaw. Lots of it. Actually, I am quite lonely, but that is a whole other blog. The thing with silence, the thing with anything unfolding in the Now Moment, is that if I embrace it, great things will occur. If I resist it, I suffer. If I am going to be surrounded by isolation and silence, I may as well go deeper and find the goodies that lie there. So, this morning I meditated. And you know what?

It rocked.

It rocked and I floated - in a grounded way - through my day. It felt like rolling around the frying pan of life greased up with butter.

The floating feeling stopped when I went to my first TV audition in years. I had been called in to read for the role of Parent #1 on Corner Gas. I went at 5pm like I was supposed to and went into the room. Long story short, I was awful. Awful. Look, I know what I am good at and I am the first person to say "oh, I can do that with both arms and legs tied behind my back". I also know what I am not good at. This doesn't mean that I couldn't get good at it, but as it stands, right now I am not a talented TV/Film actress. Every time I said my lines I was told to make it smaller. To move less. To make the lines less important (LESS IMPORTANT???? DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE???!!!!!). By the time I gave the casting director the take she wanted I felt like I was imitating a manequin with about as much personality as our fake, storefront friends. It felt awful. I was awful. Before I left the room, I did the thing that no one should ever do. I turned to her and said "I shouldn't be here." She laughed at me, obviously thinking that I was cracking a joke of some sort. "Oh, no. Don't worry about it," she said, "our directors love theatre actors because you are all so good. You just have to get used to be much smaller."

Yeah, more like get used to being in a coma, I thought, before I smiled and fled home.

How in a day I went from feeling so much bigger than myself to depressed because I had no ability to be smaller, I will never know. Conclusions:

a) I don't want to be a TV or Film Actor. Chalk it up to the 347th thing I know that I DON'T want to do.
b) I like meditating because when I am meditating I don't have to worry about 'being' anything at all.

Especially a manequin in a coma.

Michelle and Paul R Us

2008-05-06T22:02:00.002-07:00

I just saw a movie that made me think of Leon and I ... and I thought to myself ... I should tell the world this and so next time anyone wonders what it is like between us behind closed doors I shall tell them to go and watch I Could Never Be Your Woman.

Not that I am an older woman and he a younger man. But the wacky craziness to their passion is pretty spot on. The constant laughter, romance and god-will-they-ever-grow-up-ness is spot on. Consider it a small ticket into the backstage of my relationship.

I'm going to try to write more often. Maybe even every day. Even if it is just a little bit. Because I need the discipline.

Perhaps I will even start writing in complete sentences.

Hard to say.

I Hate Porn

2008-05-05T21:51:00.002-07:00

The truth is, I didn't always. In fact, for quite a long time I was perfectly okay with it. But perhaps that was because it never infiltrated my actual daily life much. Or because I never gave it much thought. But I have slowly educated myself about the subject a bit more, from certain points of view, I concur, and have come to see that porn gives this world nothing of value. And why would I want to take part in something that adds nothing of value to this already value-lacking world? Why would I want my husband to bring it into his world - subsequently bringing it into our relationship and probably our home. Well, i don't want that.

Not that I am ignorant. I know that nine out of ten males are viewing porn consistently. And not many of the female partners of those men are accepting of it. Accepting or not, men are doing it. The question just becomes are they going to do it as a secret, shameful act or are they going to do it out in the open regardless of how it makes their partners feel? Why force my husband into doing something behind my back? Something that seems relatively harmless? Secrets can only harm a marriage. But then again, why should I compromise a boundary about not wanting to have porn in my life? Is it true to say that by my husband choosing to have it in his life, he is polluting my environment? Like second hand smoke? Like a litterer throwing their garbage into a beautiful pond? Or can I decide to not have it in my life while not being affected by whatever choice he needs to make for himself?

It's a toughy.

I see both sides of the coin. I can draw a boundary and he can choose to respect it or not. But my boundaries need to be about me. Enforcing boundaries on another never works. It goes right back to the smoking issue, for instance. One can never say - you must stop smoking - to another person. It will only have the opposite affect. But one can say, I will not choose a partner who smokes. It might seem like a manipulative, scheming route to the same outcome, but I assure you it is not. We can all make choices. If I choose to not have a partner that smokes, the man can choose to smoke and thus not be my partner, or not smoke and be my partner. Just because he might desire one outcome more than the other doesn't take away his choice in the matter.

Is porn a big enough deal that I am ready to say that I choose to not have a partner that looks at porn? I don't think so. Not yet, anyway. But it could get there. All I know is that when porn has been in a room, it leaves an energetic after taste that makes my stomache hurt. The vibrational frequency of porn is so low that I can physically feel it having a negative effect on the energy of my home. That doesn't seem right to me. That is ... that's ...

well, it's something to think about, at the very least.

Before I Go To Bed With Mr. Tolle

2008-05-01T22:11:00.002-07:00

Tonight, before I watch a back episode of A New Earth webinar, I am going to do a gratitude list. Since my little negative burp last week, I have cranky residue stuck in my throat. Thanksgiving is a good way to clear out that frog.

So, here it is. Things I am grateful for as of May 1st, 2008:

1. How great my new floors look.
2. The wonderful progress of my Mortlach workshops.
3. Getting to sleep in these days.
4. Low interest Visa Cheques.
5. Government grants for virtually everything.
6. My Macbook
7. Leon's willingness to be 'financial provider' for a month or two.
8. Mother's constant loving attention to our house.
9. The booming Saskatchewan real estate market.
10. All the wonderful healthy eating advice that people have been submitting!
11. An offer already on the table for a Christmas show and another audition tomorrow
12. Always having hot water on demand
13. The snow is gone now. For good.
14. The health and safety of all my loved ones.
15. My tan
16. HGTV
17. The A New Earth webinars on Oprah.com
18. A sexy sex life
19. The paycheque that I will be getting very soon
20. A marriage that is so kick-ass that I pity everyone that isn't us

Now, I must hurry. I don't want to keep Mr. Tolle waiting. A threesome with a black female billionaire and an enlightened guru awaits me...

Who wouldn't be grateful?

Big, Puffy and Chubby

2008-04-29T20:18:00.002-07:00

I gotta start eating better.

But oh god how many times have I said that and what has ever come of it? More potato chips and burgers with fries. I think about drinking more water, but water tastes so boring and it makes my stomach all sloshy and so I don't. I know I should eat vegetables, but don't even get me started on how UNEXCITED I am by vegetables. Oh, I have the most wonderful of intentions. But I hate cooking, hate grocery shopping and have married a man that is more than happy to eat at a restaurant every single day.

Still, one of my favorite teachers, Wayne Dyer, has said that even if you are not yet able to follow through, keep making intentions. Because one day you will follow through. And I know that somewhere, someday I am going to get more annoyed with the quality of life that eating crap food brings me than I am by learning how to cook. So, I have put up a new Konkin Question. This time I am asking my readers to share their healthy eating tips. A great example of a tip that I have never forgotten was during an Oprah episode when she talked about not eating a bite of food after 7pm (or three to four hours before you go to sleep). And an old college friend swore to me that just by adding Greens to her diet (a supplement in powder form that you can add to liquid and drink) most all of her small, but persistent, health complaints disappeared.

So, whaddya have to say? What little, baby step could a lazy, but sincere, blonde healthyfoodaphobic take to change her ways?

Click here and preach to the unconverted...

Accidental Environmentalist

2008-04-26T10:34:00.002-07:00

I meant to post this on Earth Day a few days back, but was busy having a small melt down. Now that I am back in a normal space I just wanna say something...

The best way to influence eco-friendly behavior is to keep people poor. Ok, maybe not scrounging for food poor, but Canadian actor poor. Why? Because you don't have money to throw at everything. Because you reuse everything wether or not it is trendy and buy second hand stuff because shopping at Pottery Barn isn't an option. Do you know how many times during the renovations on this house we have fixed something instead of throwing it out and buying something new? Countless. I have remolded scrap pieces of wood into miraculous thing-a-ma-bobbers all with non-power tools from the 1940s. I have taken carpet from upstairs and put it downstairs and will be painting soon with mis-tinted paints. When you struggle for expendable income suddenly an off-ish-mustard-mixed-with-peach-yellow is your favorite color.

So then how do I keep my home from looking like a hodge-podge decorating disaster. Well, that is another thing that a person must develop when they make $13,000 a year. An eye for design. Creativity. Ways of spending virtually nothing and still having a home that makes a head bob up and down appreciatively. It ain't easy, but at least it is saving my planet.

My mom (and many of my family members) are the same way. Save, reuse, save, reuse. They don't need to recycle because they never throw anything out. Having been raised on a farm with eleven brothers and sisters and only the garden to feed them, they learned how not to be a disposable generation... and how to use old tires as feeding troughs for the pigs. I have watched this unfolding in the my life for the last few months while the Green Trend becomes chubby with popularity and I have come to coin a term. Accidental Environmentalist. They are the people that are forced to be kind to Mother Earth due to their wallets if not due to their guilt-ridden souls.

Happy Belated Earth Day my fellow readers. For those of you who also can not afford to spend $47/meter for specialty fabrics made of hemp weed and plastic water bottles, do something simple. Fix something in the coming days that you could otherwise throw out. Or decide to use an empty Fruitopia bottle to store your one inch screws.

And remember you can always shop for those silver linings at Value Village...

Sorry

2008-04-24T22:36:00.002-07:00

Sorry I haven't written. I have run into a bit of a wall. It is a big wall. Made of money. Or the lack thereof.

Sorry I can't find a way out of my glum, scared mood. To see in my bank account numbers that reflect where I was when I was in Toronto back in 2001 and 2002 drop kicks my heart. Suddenly, I hate theatre again and I hate this house and I hate Moose Jaw. And under all of those superficial things, yeah, I hate me. Hate me for winding up in the exact same place time and time again.

Sorry that I ever took that Real Estate course because every time I hit a wall, the course taunts me. It beckons me back, luring me in with promises of money and security and all the things that my life just doesn't seem to consistently produce.

Sorry that I wrote such a know-it-all blog giving advice. Not really feeling like I am someone who should be giving advice. Obviously, I still have a lot to figure out.

Sorry to say, but I didn't marry for money. As broke as I may be, my husband is no better. I didn't marry him for his income earning potential and never care until I hit these walls and then I resent him for not being able to take care of me.

Sorry to go all 1954 there. My feminist takes a nap when I get scared.

Sorry that I got fired from my program and that I don't know where to find a second job now that I can fit into my River Street schedule. Sorry to want so much more from my life.

Sorry for thinking that laminate flooring would be easy to install.

Sorry, but I still don't know what I want to do. Or maybe I am just sorry that the things I do want to do don't pay well. Or maybe I am just sorry that I can not figure HOW to make the things I want to do pay the kind of money I need to EAT.

Sorry to be 31 and still lost.

Sorry that I haven't written, but I wanted to get on top of my funk before I wrote. I used to use this blog as a place to go and write about my heart aches. Sorry to have forgotten how to do that...although I am not sorry that it is because there hasn't been much heart ache to share.

Sorry for being so sorry.

Renovations and Marriages

2008-04-22T08:47:00.002-07:00

It is said that renovations are very hard on marriages. Even my cousin called me the other day wondering if perhaps she was being needlessly mean to her brand new relationship by putting it through massive renovations in their new house. Later that same afternoon, I went to a BBQ with my SEP gang and when we brought up the fact that we were doing renovations, every couple got this kind, soft look of understanding in their eyes.

Of course, I didn't think it would affect my relationship. Not until I started to lay laminate floor. And laying laminate floor in a house built in 1920 where the concept of 'flush' or a 'straight line' does not exist. We started in the office on Saturday night (you find as a couple with a new house that your idea of fun, Saturday night plans is to work on your house). I estimated that it wouldn't hardly take us an hour to lay the laminate in our tiny 10x10 office. All shiny and happy we set off to change our flooring forever.

It should have set me off when we immediately didn't understand the directions printed on the box. They were vague and open to interpretation...which means that both of us saw things differently. Start in the left corner, it told us. Left relative to what, I wanted to know. It was obvious to Leon and not obvious to me. So started the conflict. The next argument erupted a few minutes later when we didn't know what to do with an in-the-way phone cord. Cut it, I told my husband. Cutting it is a bad idea, replied he. Hmmmmm, Argue, rinse, repeat. By midnight we had laid about five strips of laminate and were exhausted. In the end, it took us seven hours to lay the office. Like giving birth, though, the minute we were finished all memories of anger and pain washed away and we ecstatically embraced at the joy over our new floor. Curt barbs and sarcasm was replaced with kisses and hugs and an eager plan to start in on the living room the very next day. Voluntary amnesia.

Luckily, we are verbal and we use words to jab through our frustrations, never leaving any awful residue. And our floors do look great. But yes, my conclusion is that renovations are not for the weak of spirit. Or the easily offended. Or a couple already on the verge of wanting to punch each other.

You are all invited to come and see our floors. Just head on the #1 and drive until all you see is sky. By the time you get here, perhaps we will have started on the landscaping...

Dear Abby...er...I mean...KJ

2008-04-18T23:26:00.003-07:00

Recently, someone I know emailed me for advice. The email read:

The reason I am writing you is I want to know how you came about accepting things as gifts, not really stressing out over the negatives and seeing the positives, and keeping a really positive attitude? I am going through a really stressful time right now with work and I need to find different ways of coping besides exercising my ass off, and most importantly not second guessing myself as well. If you have any insight, books you have read, or past experiences you can share with me, it would be greatly appreciated.

I started to respond and my email became epic. Here was my answer:

Hmmmmm. Well, let me see. When things are 'working' in my life, it is because I am in the flow. Now, everyone's flow is different and their paths into flow are unique, but you have asked me about my individual thoughts on this so I will tell you:

First, my definition of Flow. It is when I have 'let go' of trying. I still define what I want my life to look like and take steps towards opening those doors, but past that I 'let go' of any need around the goal. I get in the habit of saying Yes to everything, even the stuff that stinks. Soon, the stinky stuff occurs less and less and the kick ass stuff becomes the norm. Flow is always full of ease, joy and grace.

Ok, so what do I do when I have fallen out of the flow and desire to be back in it? Good question:

I take a look at ways that I haven't had Krista Time. Then I take Krista Time. Krista Time is time alone when I do the things that I alone like to do. For me, Krista time looks like a trip to Ikea, a mexican dinner, a hot bath, the boxset of my choice, something crunchy to snack on and my duvet all puffy around me.

I get creative. When a person is creative, the rest of the world falls away and they connect back with That Which Is Greater Than Their Little World. I write. Or I play piano. Or I scrapbook. Or work on my website or decorate a room or put together an entire outfit in a store without even buying it.

I watch the new Eckhart Tolle/Oprah online class based on his new book A New Earth. It reminds me that I am not my thoughts. I am not even my emotions. I am the observer of those thoughts and emotions. My Ego's job is to convince me that I am my thoughts and the stories I tell about Who I Am. It fights to keep me thinking of the past or the future. It also reminds me of my pain body and how hungry it is for food, which is negative drama. It inspires me to starve my pain body. It inspires me to stay in the Now.

I get quiet. In the quiet in all makes sense and I feel safe.

I make sure my boat is always pointing downstream. As the teacher Abraham-Hicks teaches...assess a situation and figure out if your choices are pointing your boat/Life upstream (fighting the current and producing struggle and conflict) or downstream (with the current and producing ease and freedom). For example, with this being 'fired' thing from my SEP program...I considered fighting it and arguing against the unjust decision that had been made. Then I asked myself, is fighting this reality going to point my boat upstream or downstream? It was clear that It was going to point it upstream. So I chose to leave the situation As Is. It didn't matter to me who was 'right' or who was 'wrong'. It only mattered that I made the choice that was going to bring me the most ease and mental freedom.

I write gratitude lists. A powerful tool because somehow we are conditioned to see the 10% of what isn't working, instead of the 90% that is. Write a list that starts with I Am Thankful For...and write until your fingers want to fall off. It is really ridiculous how blessed we are when we take the time to look at it...

What else?

The book by my bedside currently:
Wayne Dyer's Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

The last book that made me wipe away tears of happiness:
One Red Paperclip by Kyle MacDonald

Another possibly obvious tip for getting back into the flow:
Have some great sex (even if it is with yourself!)

Favorite Female Life Teacher:
Pema Chodron

To break the habit of binge whining try this out:
http://www.acomplaintfreeworld.org/

If you like making lists try a couple of these lists out:
The Top 18 Reasons I Rock
Anything and Everything I Would Like to Change Or Improve In My Life

What I do when I need to laugh and laugh and laugh:
Watch Margaret Cho or Dane Cook (try youtube for lotsa free samplers)

Nary Enough People Use The Word Nary

2008-04-16T19:55:00.004-07:00

I am not sure if it has any greater meaning or not, but I think it might be telling that my newest Konkin Question has sat for about three weeks on my website, answered by nary a soul. It is a question that asks the impossible...for the answer-er to talk about the happiest, most successful married couple they can conjure up out of the vaults of their memory. Or TV Guide. But no. That isn't an easy question (or a very interesting one, granted). There aren't a lot of us out there. Happy - giddily happy - married couples. Is it because marriage is not meant to be a fun, playgroundy zone or because we have such an agreed upon consciousness now about how awful marriage is that breaking free of this societal trance is like breaking free of a Two Bite Brownie?

Well, stubborn as always, I shall keep the question there until I have at least one answer. One small measly answer.

Some fun tidbits happening in life: it seems one workshop leads to another workshop leads to another workshop. Woohoo! This morning I taught an improv workshop disguised as a Team Development Workshop for an organization funded by our health region. It was so much fun and such a success and - most of all - it was on the path toward what I most enjoy doing which is facilitating workshops with adults in topics that lean as much toward Positive Living Philosophy as they do Theatre Arts. And Leon and I work very well as a team. But I guess I don't need to reiterate that point again.

My sweetie got the lead in the workshop of a brand new Daniel MacDonald musical happening in May. We are a bit freaked out about our summer show because as of a few days ago, they weren't finding the kind of talent that they had hoped would balance out the rest of the cast. Which worries Leon and makes me feel anxious since I know he isn't sure he made the right decision choosing River Street over Buddy at Persephone which he was also offered. I am choosing to have faith that this show will be something we will be proud of and that, most of all, it is going to be FUN. Fun and close to our house which is undergoing an amazing amount of upkeep and renovation. Plus, it pays us well and keeps us together. In my mind, that is a no brainer YES!

Mortlach is talking about applying for an Artist in Residence grant to keep me in Mortlach for 2009. Considering the fact that we wanted to sell our little house in the fall of 2008 and make some money, moving to an even smaller town in Saskatchewan would be a bizarre next step, but one that I am pretty dedicated to taking, should that door open. Interestingly, L and I have already talked about when would be a good time to start trying to have a baby (I know, seems like we do everything at lightening speed, but when you're in the flow, you flow!). I have always thought that I should have my one baby at 33 since that is when my mother had me. Really, this is a ridiculous reason to choose 33, but once I brought it up with Leon and he got over the initial shock, he agreed that if we at least started trying at 33, that would not be an unreasonable age. This all said, if I was to get the AIR grant in Mortlach, I would turn 33 in a tiny Saskatchewan town of 200 people. Not really the place I imagined having a baby. I want to have my baby in BC. I want it to be surrounded by green and trees and mountains and ocean and a happy, warm mom.

But gee, I am getting way ahead of myself. Thinking into the future. Right now, I am sitting in my TV Room, typing on my MacBook and getting materials ready for the Globe generals in May. It was a mix of cold/rainy and warm/sunny today, but tomorrow is only gonna be sun. Mom and I scraped paint outside and I am expecting a call any minute from a client to do some scheduling for the next four weeks. Oh, and my uterus is killing me. The IUD really does give me cramps.

All the more reason to take it out. *wink, wink*

Diet Joy

2008-04-13T23:02:00.003-07:00

There is a lightness to my feelings these days. A softness to my sadness and a chiffon giddiness to my joy. Leon calls it Diet Joy because it doesn't have all the calories. Which isn't to say that this Joy doesn't have the same profound content. It is just that with all of its profound-ness, this kind of joy flies free and floats. There are less attachments and so much more peace.

Eckhart talks about painbodies. There have been days when mine has felt too heavy to go on. Those days seem far away. Right now, I feel I am consciously neglecting to feed my painbody and it is starving for attention. The case of 'too much happiness' when we find ourselves looking for ways to destroy what is so good. Yet, by practicing being present and aware and awake, I see my Ego for its manipulation and I refuse to play. I hear my painbody whimper for food and I hide the can of tuna. This doesn't mean I don't feel the pain. I feel it still. But right now I am able to feel it from afar...watch it...allow it...and then wave to it as it quickly evaporates. This peace is the reason for my ability to say that 2008 has been the happiest most life changing year of my life. This peace - not the house or the husband or the wedding or the company or the money or the honeymoon. Those things have been outcomes of the real reason - this peace.

Bubbly diet seven up. Mineral springs gurgling in the yellow sun.

Clouds made of nothing but puff and magic and yet strong enough to hold up dreams.

Riu Mambo Happiness

2008-04-11T09:51:00.003-07:00

So. My honeymoon. How to sum it up? Bliss Bookended By Boo. Let me explain.

The flights there and back were both long and cramped and the food was awful. Although, on the way down we were bumped up to first class due to us being honeymooners! That was a lovely surprise. Still, by the time we got to the resort, the whole plane full of tourists were cranky and tired and thinking 'this had better be worth it!'

It was worth it. Our resort was a stunning, top quality place. It was picturesque and the staff was so friendly and our room was one of the best at the resort. We were stunned a little by the quality of the resort and realized that, once again, we had manifested something superb. The two weeks began and day by day we just got happier and happier and more relaxed and happier. There isn't much to type, not really. Our days were filled with sleeping in, eating at buffets that were opulent, choosing beach or pool, swimming, tanning (oh, our tans are sooooo dark!!), napping, making love, talking walks, snorkeling, reading books, talking until the wee hours about Life and Love. We did a couple of excursions - one was to an isolated sand bar in the middle of the ocean where we snorkeled at a coral reef and one was into Puerto Plata itself. We had profound moments of discussing the economy, the government, etc. etc. when we were exposed to the way the locals lived. But instead of making this about pity, I will tell you the one thing I took away...the people we saw who were so much poorer than us by way of material things were leaps and bounds happier with Life. THAT was worth a whole lotta pondering, let me tell you...

On the day we came home, we were ready. Our needs for total relaxation and wicked heat and removal from our Moose Jaw reality was filled to the brim. The flight home was silly bad. But getting home was a rediscovery of how happy I am to be smack dab in the middle of my own Life.

I did have a surprise waiting for me that shook me. It seemed that I was not supposed to go on the honeymoon according to the head honchos of my SEP program. I hadn't looked into it much, just assuming that there wouldn't be a problem with someone going on a honeymoon. Obviously, I was mistaken and waiting for me in my mailbox was a letter of termination. Shocking and strange but it was what it was. Part of me ( I assume my Ego) thought 'That isn't fair! I can't get fired from this program! I didn't know! I've worked so hard! I need the money!' and ordered me to start panicking and fighting the decison. The other part of me just knew that it would cause me more stress to fight it than to accept it and suggested I see it as a gift. Subsequently, more work offers have flooded in and time has opened up. It is for the best.

Last night I taught a very successful Improv Workshop with Leon. Mortlach has embraced us with open arms and now other small towns are catching on. Today I am busy running about 387 errands which, in Moose Jaw, should take me about an hour and a half. I am glad to be home. The real estate market here booms, our equity grows, work keeps rolling in and there about one hundred ideas of things I want to create. Oh, and the snow has melted.

Married life is so much better than I ever thought it might be...

Dazed, Confused and Finally Home

2008-04-09T21:13:00.003-07:00

Living in a bit of a surreal world right now after two weeks in bliss and many hours cramped into several modes of transportation... not to mention the mail (e and otherwise) that I am drowning in...so forgive when all I can say tonight is this:

I am home.

More...much more...later.

A Honeymoon A Go Go

2008-03-22T10:54:00.002-07:00

Unless I get a chance to blog from my brother's house on Monday, which I will try to do, this may very well be my last blog post for a a while. I am off to my honeymoon with a quick pre-visit to my brother and Alex for a couple of days. And get this...I am not going to bring my MacBook to Puerto Plata. That is love. If Leon is ever doubtful of my feelings for him, he can look to that for reassurance.

I am excited to be going somewhere hot, but I find it really encouraging to also feel something the following: I am enjoying my life so much these days, that I almost wonder if I am going to 'miss' my home and my life here in The Jaw. For a wanderer like myself that is a strange and great feeling. Still, the one thing that I have missed these past three months is heat and that spurs me on. I would blog from the resort, but let's be honest, I am not going to have much to say. "Got up today, ate, tanned, swam, made love, napped, tanned, swam, ate, took a walk under the moonlight, fell even more madly in love, slept." Pretty blissful and pretty boring. That being said, I hope to do some fun and interesting things on the resort like snorkel for the first time and get a couple's massage right on the beach. Ahhhhhhhh, such a hard life.

Am leaving you all with a new KJ's Finds list ... full of links to great sites like my new, free, little temporary site for Live Out Loud Theatre or the online class that has been rockin' my heart or the place to buy tickets to the show that L and I are being contracted to do this summer. Lots of fun stuff...

Will also change my Konkin Question before I go...not sure what I am going to ask.

Send me safe-no-turbulence-great-weather-relaxing-bliss energy. I will be talking to you soon...

Or soon-ish.

There Was A Tree, And One Perfect Hill

2008-03-20T00:40:00.002-07:00

Sometimes I am not sure if I am truly a 31 year old woman. Sometimes I am convinced that I have never grown up much beyond my 10 year old self. You see, I have a secret. A dirty and shameful secret. And like me and secrets, it must eventually be lived out loud. So here goes. I am going to let you in on something I do that nobody knows about.

I watch One Tree Hill. No, no. That isn't true. I don't just watch it. I obsess over it. I become so emotionally involved that I am an emotional wreck every time I finish an episode. I will spend hours searching for episodes online. It has even gotten so bad that I am watching fan videos of compiled scenes that lurk in the depths of YouTube. For those of you that know the show, even a little, I am a Leyton fan. (Leyton is fan lingo for the support of the union between Lucas and Peyton....I told you....It's like I'm a trekkie). I cheer those two on and growl at evil Dan when he scares me and giggle at Skills and hope to god that Hailey and Nathan figure out their dark times. As I type this, I see how exactly like a SOAP OPERA this show is and I hate soap operas. Yet, I love this show.

Tonight, I told my husband about my secret. Partly, he laughed, but mostly he understood. He summed it up beautifully. He said that these shows reel me in because they are epic love stories and speak of the kind of love that doesn't end...CAN'T end. For someone with abandonment issues, that is a very seductive thing. He's right. I want to believe that there is the possibility of falling in love with a person that becomes so much a part of your essence that your feelings for them never have an ending. They might morph a bit, but ultimately the love you feel for them just IS. Like the Sondheim lyric "loving you is not a choice, it's who I am".

Sounds a bit like the spiritual journey that many of us are on. Oh, to find that Love that is unchanging and ever present. Oh, to find that Love that Just Is.

So there it is. I am 31 and I am committed to One Tree Hill. Out of the closet. It holds a big place in my heart that few TV shows have competed for...and there is only one TV show that kicks OTH's ass...

That one starts with an F and ends in a Y and if you don't know the middle then you don't really know me.

Sitting Around In My Husband's Shirt

2008-03-17T11:43:00.002-07:00

Ah, post-event bliss. I am married and I must tell you, I don't feel any differently. The titles are strange, sure, but the feeling is identical. Grateful for the best partner on earth, happily puttering around my little house, negotiating contracts for my business. The only moment of poopiness I have had was the other day when within 24 hours I found out that two people that I have known have become, for lack of a better word, famous. Malin Ackerman - who I just saw in 27 Dresses and is in the new Ben Stiller movie - is someone I know. It didn't even occur to me, until later, that the blonde I was watching on the screen was the same blonde 17 year old whose apartment I hung out at in Toronto back in 2001, 2002. I know her through Leanne who worked with her mother, yadda yadda yadda.

Then, that night I was googling something unrelated when I stumbled upon this year's Juno nominees and saw Suzie McNeil was nominated. It took me a second and then I stopped and realized this was SUZIE MCNEIL, the girl I went to Sheridan College with for part of the first year in 1996. I liked Suzie back then...she was always kind of a bad ass and didn't fit into our squeaky clean Music Theatre College, thus dropping out and going her own way. Now, after winning that REM Rock Star reality TV show, her career has taken off. In fact, one of her songs is going to be the theme song for the 2010 Olympics!

These are the moments when my simple little happiness seems sorta pathetic. I immediately feel defeated that I have not done anything as significant as these women and it makes me want to eat a bag of Doritos. Hey, I am just being honest. Getting away this weekend to Saskatoon helped. Buddies, successful auditions, a trip to the Centre for Positive Living and being registered all lifted my spirits. And today, I must shosholoza. I have business cards to design and a meeting tonight in Regina to nail down this summer show here in Moose Jaw.

I will add a link on here for our registry in case anyone is dying to get us a gift. It was distressing how expensive everything was, so feel free to ignore it or compile a group of ten people to buy one thing. Right now, there is only a Sear's link, but we are also going to register at Canadian Tire (we are renovating!!) and I will add that in a few days...

CLICK HERE FOR OUR SEARS REGISTRY

KJ and Leon Say I Do

2008-03-13T13:42:00.002-07:00

For those of you that couldn't be there, but wish you had been...the day was perfect and I have saved a little chunk of the perfection for you, here...

Can't see the vlog?? You will need Quicktime to view this...if you need to download it for free, please click here for Windows users and click here for Mac users.

The Night Before - A Vlog

2008-03-10T22:33:00.001-07:00

Take a visit inside my head, the night before my wedding...

Can't see the vlog?? You will need Quicktime to view this...if you need to download it for free, please click here for Windows users and click here for Mac users.

In Case You Were Worried

2008-03-08T22:56:00.003-08:00

In a few minutes, I intend to go into my sweet, zen bathroom and run myself a steaming hot bath. But before I do, I want to say this, to anyone who might be wondering:

I am profoundly happy. There is not a doubt in all of my being that I am marrying the right guy. This isn't a marriage of convenience and it isn't a marriage born of settling - this is one of those unions of crazy, mad love. The two of us have dove into this head first and, some might say, very quickly, but there has never been two people more cocky that they are going to be the greatest love story ever told. We make awful money and are overly sensitive and messily passionate. I am still etching out my place in this world and he can barely remember what month we are in half the time - we are a wreck and we are giddy about it! If we fail, which I doubt we will, we will fail with huge fireworks and only after walking through hell and fire together. Other than a few, short lived, moments of reckoning which I must admit I have had, I am not afraid.

The best part is, other than the fact that I am marrying my soul mate, I get to walk down the aisle with my best friend. No, not Leon (although a better friend I could not find)...I am talking about myself. With Jo I lost myself and with my other loves I was only half of myself...but in this partnership I have become the Biggest and Best Version of Myself and have fallin' back in love with my life. Me and Me can do this thing called Wife...or Business Owner or Daughter or Artist or maybe even one day Mother...but most importantly, through it all and no matter what happens, We have each other. And on Tuesday I celebrate that as much as anything else.

Now, I am going to have a bath. Please have no reservations for me as I am sure you do not. If there are any regrets it is that I am going through all of this wonderful Life Stuff without My 404 Gang and other beloved friends by my side. And knowing me I will shed a small tear for the single, multi-boy life I am leaving behind;-)

But that is just so me. I have always been a sucker for nostalgia.

Hot steamy water awaiting...

The Almost Blog - #1

2008-03-05T21:41:00.003-08:00

[The following is the first excerpt for a blog that I initially started to have produced in the local paper's web-paper. I wrote about three posts and then stopped when I didn't hear back from the editor. They make me laugh, though, and so I thought I would share them over the next few days. The blog was in entitled Two Actors, One House and a City Called Moose Jaw. Enjoy...]

We have our answer down pat.

Since moving to Moose Jaw from Vancouver not even a month ago there has been one question that has been asked by everybody. "What brings you to Moose Jaw?" is the inevitable question that comes once we have been asked "You folks from around here?" At first, floored by the overwhelming friendliness of the business owners and service people populating this small city, my partner, Leon, and I would launch into a long winded explanation of the miraculous events that had us packing up our west coast lives to move to Saskatchewan. But soon, oh so soon, our answer was whittled down - for the sanity of all involved. Now, when some curious Moose Jaw-vian wonders what would possess two Vancouver Musical Theatre actors to move to a rural city where there are far more parkas than feather boas and a Tim Hortons instead of a Starbucks, we simply state the truth.

Affordable housing in a growing market.

Too complicated to explain that I am not really new as I was raised here, leaving at eighteen to attend theatre school and pursue the stage. Ridiculous to start telling the story of how, while on contract here in the fall, we decided to try and get pre-approved just to see if we could (actors and mortgages don't usually go hand in hand). How, once we passed that first hurdle, the situation unfolded like a set of dominos and we found ourselves the owners of a house we never expected to buy. And although it does bring big laughs, it was extraneous to amuse the inquisitive with tales of how Leon bought the house during Saskatchewan's warm spell in October and is only now finding out what living through a prairie winter is all about.

For now, we have come to build equity. While we stay we hope to further our creative careers and refrain from losing our extremities to frostbite. We'll do the things we couldn't do as easily in Vancouver; namely accomplish 42 errands in under an hour and pay a house mortgage on an artist's income. Leaving our smirking theatre friends behind in Vancouver and Toronto, we feel like pioneers out here, choosing a road less taken. And a beautiful road it is...

even if it is flat and covered in 3 feet of snow.

The Random Babble

2008-03-01T09:42:00.003-08:00

I am in one of those moods to just babble about several things unrelated and nothing quite at all. If you are in a mood presently for structure and compositional grace, then you might be best to skip this post and grab a cheeseburger or take a long bath.

We have wood lice. Now, after being a victim (or the grand manifestor) of bedbugs, most other kinds of bugs seem harmless. These little guys don't bite or ruin your home, they just like damp wood which it seems we have. However, it seems that no matter where I run I am never going to escape bug drama. So be it.

March 1st and it is mild again outside. There has been a chinook like mildness that has swept through this city over the last week or so. Thus the melting, thus the wet wood, thus the wood lice. But also thus the boosted spirits of myself and most everyone around me. It makes life easier and allows me to wear the cuter, fall jackets hanging in my closet. Add to this our new furnace and our home is positively toasty. Last night I even removed clothing when I went to bed instead of adding more layers. The summer here is going to be positively hot.

Inspired the other day, I begged Leon to help me rip out the run in the front room. These are perks of owning. If you feel like ripping, you rip. So we did and HALLELUJAH did we find a treasure. Original fir floors in great condition which a wonderful warm stain.

My cute future husband with his almost plumber bum. Oooo, but I love that floor. Of course we will have to sand all the floors now and restain them similarly to become uniform, but I shiver at how much value those floors are going to add to our home's value.

I asked L the other night, what would happen if we could sell our house for double what we purchased it for this fall. I am looking at rising real estate prices and noting the improvements that are occurring in our house and I don't think that selling the house we bought for 65K for 130K is totally impossible. 2008 is supposed to be the height of this boom, so if we can sell at the peak, we will make good money. I would want to move back to BC. There are homes in Nanaimo that parallel housing costs in Saskatoon, so going back isn't financially irresponsible. Plus, I miss it. I know I have only been here for two months, but I miss the smell of the damp air. Leon feels that if we don't even end up staying here for year, he will have missed out on something intangible. I guess we'll just keep renovating and see.

I am getting married in 10 days. Bizarre.

Pretty sure I am going to be naming my business Live Out Loud Theatre Productions and Services (shortening it to Live Out Loud Theatre or Live Out Loud Productions in common use of course). Seems to be everyone's favorite and the most connected to a branding of myself that I can come to. Thanks to everyone for your input. Will have to think of a new Konkin Question now.

The bottoms of my feet have been hurting. Just in one specific spot. Oh, and from tearing up the carpet, my old Chemainus injury (good ol' hamstring) has been aching again. Some days I feel that being 31 is infinitely old.

Lastly, I leave you with a picture of my beloved mother on her last day of work. She is donning the old nurses hat and everything. I am very proud of you mom. Now go take up belly dancing or something equally as shocking. Life's too short not to be shocking!

Tax Time

2008-02-28T09:09:00.003-08:00

My house looks like it has been hit by a tornado, which can only mean one thing.

Tax time.

Ah, the unglamorous tax time. My brain is mushy from figuring out how to not soil my perfect score of never owing any income tax. Seems that 2007 was a big income earning year for me and I am thinking I may not be able to reduce the number to one so small I make homeless people snicker. Nope, looks like this may the first year I am going to OWE taxes. Frustrating. Although I see its silver lining. To have at least one year's tax return be eligible for something like a credit application or a mortgage can't be all bad. Of course, 2008 is shaping up to bring my gross income (not to mention my net income) back to Shamesville. So, who knows what affect one good year will have.

In my SEP classes this week we spoke about Insurance. Insurance! Boo, I say. The topic couldn't be more boring if it tried and will probably only be paralleled by next week's classes on GST and Saskatchewan Labour Laws. All this piled onto Tax Time and my eyes start to glaze over. No wonder most of my artistic friends hide from the realities of all this stuff. It is about as creative as dirt. Most actors I know don't file taxes until they've built up to some horrible monster and then they sheepishly cart piles of paper to some random H&R Block in the mall where they end up owing so much money that take their names out of phone books and screen all their cell phone calls. In comparison to them, I am a virtual Donald Trump with my color coded filing systems and my business classes. Yet, I feel their pain. No one teaches you that being an artist is just a euphemism for being an entrepreneur. An actor is essentially a business person who makes very little money and talks really loudly.

I had better go clean. Truth is, I am blogging to avoid.

Oooo, just one more second of avoiding...an interesting tidbit...today is my mother's last day of work EVER. When she leaves work today she will never have to go back ever again for the rest of her life and YET she will still be sent cheques in the mail every month!

If only artists had pensions.

So This Is How I Will Get Married

2008-02-23T08:13:00.003-08:00

Before I launch in, let's clear things up. I am not preggers. It was a scary thought that has not become a reality. Now...

Final Plans: as follows:

Leon and I will be taking our civil vows in a (very) short ceremony on March 11th under the same snowy gazebo in Wakamow Park that the proposal took place. It will be performed by a wonderful marriage commissioner here in town and there will probably on be two (mandatory) witnesses - my mom and my aunt - as I am pretty sure Leanne and Lanita will be busy and the rest of my close friends are a million miles away. We are told the ceremony will take about eight minutes and then ta-da, we will be husband and wife.

The stunning thing about March 11th is that it will be exactly one year from the first time we ever laid eyes on each other. I don't think we have left each other's side since. All it took was one look and one conversation and I knew I would marry him. Thus, March 11th is the perfect day.

For a more spiritual, magical circumstance we are leaving for Puerto Plata on March. 25th for a two week stay in paradise. There we plan on having another ceremony, just between us. We have purchased some beachy wedding attire and are going to go to the gazebo on the ocean pictured below and say our own vows to each other in our own way. We both agree we don't need to pay a hotel $1250 USD to lead us through the process.

An amazing gift was given to us yesterday when Leon's mom, Barbara, called us to tell us that as her wedding gift to us she is going to pay for our two week trip to the Dominican. We are both floored and totally grateful. With the truth of that, we will both only have to spend about $150 to get married...and considering other people spend anywhere from $5000 to $30,000, I'd say we are starting out on the right foot.

This summer there will be a chance to party with family and friends at the cottage. I have two sets of aunts and uncles having 50th wedding anniversaries, so we will probably lump all the celebrating into one big summer barbeque. Then, in early September we want to drive back to BC and have another party - perhaps on the Sunshine Coast - for our BC friends and family. It could be there that we exchange our wedding rings since we won't be able to afford to buy the third of our three ring sets until after we've done our summer contracts.

No baby yet - check. New Furnace resulting in warm house - check. Wedding - check. Honeymoon - check. Find money to pay for it all - check. Relax - check. Enjoy the rest of my life with the world's coolest guy - check.

Happy Krista - check.

Theory #6

2008-02-19T16:54:00.003-08:00

It hadn't even occurred to me when I wrote yesterday's blog post that I could be pregnant. Then in came the emails and comments about the possibility of me being pregnant and I thought - ohmylordhelpme - what if it's true?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, I can't be. I have an IUD in for goodness sake! Although Leon was conceived by a mother who had an IUD in...and knowing his sperm they will be every bit as determined as my finace. Oh God, please let me have my period. You can not even know how NOT READY I am to have a baby. Not to mention Leon. God, Leon. Leon would poop his pants instantly.

Brrrrrrrrr, it is so cold in here. We had our furnace replaced today and they couldn't get it all done so we only have heat coming out of two vents. This freaking furnace better makes things a whole lot warmer. When it is properly hooked up that is. Tonight L and I are going to have to just take a hot hot hot bath, put on fourteen dozen pajamas and snuggle into our heated bed. I feel like we should call each other Inukshook and join the Inuit culture. Damn winter.

A baby. No, no, no, no. Not yet. I imagine it one day, with Leon. Our child would be blessed to have two parents so outwardly in love and full of good humor. But our child would not be blessed to have to wear fourteen dozen pajamas just to keep from freezing or to be fed scraps from the dumpster because we spent all our money on a new furnace. Nope. A couple should be making more than a combined annual income of $14,000 to have a child. Plus, I got NEEDLES put into me to have this IUD shoved into my uterus. If it fails I will kick its ass.

My fingers are now officially too frozen cold to keep typing. I should go lie down anyway and woo my womanly parts to bleed. Sorry for my blunt and inappropriate blog. I blame the pregnancy. Hahahahahaahaha...*sigh*...