Live Out Loud

The Ever Present Sadness

2009-06-30T08:51:00.002-07:00

I opened my show. It was a huge success. Big check mark for the show - at least in terms of it's quality.
I'm losing weight. I've cut out wheat/gluten from my diet for three weeks now and most sugars. I'm skinnier and more importantly, I feel better.
I've got more time to do what I want. With two shows a week and only promotions to have to think about, I've gotten some of my life back.
It's been hot here. Hot and dry with lots of bright, yellow sun. My tan is slowly creeping back and I'm reminded how good I feel when I am surrounded by heat.
My future is bright. I will either get a very well paying job at the end of August that will last for a whole year or Leon will get some exciting contract or we both won't get anything but then we'll get to go traveling. Win, win, win situation.
I have a friend here in Moose Jaw to do things with.
I have a great husband.
Our recent plumbing issue was solved with ease, joy and grace.
The house, although not sold yet, has had lots of positive comments and will sell eventually.
I've never had my finances be this healthy.
My car is working.
I get to sleep in again.
Life is good.

And yet. I woke up this morning and felt sad. I'm not sure why or from where it comes. It could be from having watched Revolutionary Road last night which spoke so clearly about being trapped into living a lie. That shook me. Because the truth is, if I was asked 'what do you really, really want to be doing with your life right now?' my answer would not match with what it is I am doing. And that does kill your soul. Little by little.

It is also upsetting me that something seems to be up with Leon. He is acting so distant and angry, but in a way that is subtle - so subtle I don't even think he is conscious of it. Maybe he, too, is not living his truth on some level? I've asked him what's up and he says that everything is fine. But he barks at me when he normally wouldn't and walks through his days in a bit of a distracted haze. It worries me for him.

I want us to both to be happy. And I don't just mean as a couple or in our relationship, but as individuals. I want to believe that we can both chase our dreams and live our truths and still stay together, happily married. Possible? Maybe. Hopefully. I often feel so guilty for not being more content. But then I remind myself that discontent can often be a gift. It can lead you toward what you most dream of experiencing and urge you to grow in ways that you never would if you were happy to stay put.

Although, could I not feel content AND have the desire to reach for new horizons?

All I know is that until this show is over, I will be a slave to it's success. Worrying, working, promoting, nurturing, fretting. It is, at once, both rewarding and suffocating. Part of me just wants to stop right now and let tickets be what they will be and cease to care if we break even or profit or the like. It makes me resentful often to see how hard Leon and I work to promote this show -- hours every day -- and know that everyone will get an equal share regardless of their efforts. But it wouldn't make me resentful if it was what I truly wanted to do, I'm sure. The pain comes from having worked and currently working so hard at fulfilling everyone ELSE'S dreams.

Five more weeks and then I can make different choices?

Or is Saskatchewan my Revolutionary Road? And theatre my safe little cubicle?

Letting Go Of Finding Me?

2009-06-21T11:45:00.002-07:00

Jordan has emailed me to inform me that soon my website needs to be renewed or cancelled. So, it seems, the decision is upon me. Keep www.kjkonkin.com alive or let it go?

I am thinking that this may be a good time to say goodbye to my gorgeous site. It was created five years ago and it doesn't really feel like it serves who I am anymore. I can keep on blogging and facebooking and all that great stuff, but perhaps I need to be website-less until I have figured out the purpose for a new incarnation of kjkonkin.com. I've blogged before about how hits to my site have dwindled, with my blog being the only real active link that people care about...so...

It seems like a huge decision. But I think it is time. Time to let go of finding me. Does this mean I am found? Not so much, but it does mean that I've figured out how to be at peace with the search. This summer and turning 33 can be a leaf turning time...my last theatre performance for a long while perhaps? The end of my current website? Going back to school to study something completely different?

Maybe that is why this opening night of Ain't We Got Fun feels monumental. It isn't just about opening a show that I've been completely responsible for creating, but it is becoming the way in which I go out with a bang. This Friday marks the beginning of an end and the start to a new beginning.

And as always, I hope you'll all join me.

Turning 33

2009-06-14T08:35:00.003-07:00

It's my birthday tomorrow.

I love birthdays, but this one is so buried underneath Ain't We Got Fun that it doesn't really feel like it is happening. So, this year, I am going to postpone my birthday. I am going to open my show with faith and love and then when it is up and flying I will set it free and then spend the time celebrating the day I was born. Because the truth is, I wanna celebrate this life. It's a good life. I'm excited to give thanks for my birth and for every day that has followed since. For now, I will list some of my gratitudes and wishes and then - in a couple of weeks - I will go out and ... as my friend Cory would say ... rock out with my cock out.

Currently I Am Thankful For:

- having a friend in Moose Jaw for the summer
- having such great realtors
- my great looking MLS listing - http://is.gd/11kMC
- some quiet, alone time on this beautiful Sunday morning
- a day off
- two night already sold out of my upcoming show
- incredible financial health
- a family who will really give what they can to support my dreams
- having a marriage that is so much fun to be part of
- the sun
- my moments of willingness
- the health of all those I love
- the last 33 years filled with total freedom and yummy self-indulgence;-)

Quote For My Birthday:

"Fear is just an affirmation of our growth." -- Rhonda Britten

Birthday Gift Wish List:

- an iPhone case
- an iPhone dock
- my house to sell for over $120K or more
- a new, good book
- some new, fun, summer clothes
- spa love - massage, reflexology, etc
- brand new sporty black hatchback vehicle
- Missy Higgins music
- a new TV show with lots of seasons to get hooked into
- a label maker like this one
- Flip Video - see here
- to have the cost of my naturopath appointment on the 29th covered
- taken to The Proposal opening on June 19th
- take my West Coast road trip and maybe even attend a UCSL retreat

And I will leave off this post with a link to last year's birthday post, because it is always neat to look back and see where you came from...helps to deduce how you got where you are...and makes the conscious creation of tomorrow that much easier. I wanted to be amazed at where I would be in 2009 and I am. Amazed.

And next year will even more interesting.

All At Once

2009-06-12T08:29:00.002-07:00

Rehearsal periods are always so roller coaster. On one hand they are exciting and brimming with potential. They are the times of true creativity where you come up with the stuff and experiment with everything else until you find your flow. On the other hand they are usually also a time of pressure and insecurity and sore muscles and sometimes even dread.

Ain't We Got Fun rehearsals started on Monday and they have been fabulous, stressful and productive. It is bizarre to be the leader AND a fellow cast member. Because as a fellow cast member I am as confused and behind as everyone else is, but as the director I'm in complete control of the process. It's schizophrenic to be both the calm leader and the frightened crowd all at the same time.

To top of the schizophrenia is the marketer/producer in me who is working to make sure that this show sells tickets. Arrggg. It's all too much. I'm tired. I want my house to sell. Oh, and my bartholin cyst decided to reappear last week.

The strangest out picturing of this stress has been my health. I've been eating gluten free as of late just to make a stab in the dark at what my digestive system seems to be going through. It is getting to point that every time I eat something, It makes me feel kinda ill. And I mean ANYTHING. Salads = ill. Soup = ill. Junk food = ill. A glass of fruit juice = ill. I've booked an appointment with a naturopath for after we open the show. Perhaps I've created a food allergy. OR perhaps I do not integrate this kind of HEAPING stress into my life very well and thus the anxiety is grinding my guts to a screeching halt. I have to admit, I dream of August 3rd, when I wake up and have absolutely nothing to do. Somehow it seems entirely possible that I will be able, then, to go out and eat a nice, big meal and feel absolutely fine. Ahhh, August 3rd.

Like I said, roller coaster. Because it isn't all bad. I've got great realtors dealing with my house now and so, although I'd love to just sell it and have it over with, I don't have to think too much about it anymore. My cyst is clearing up and my weird stomache issues are, at least, providing me with some weight loss.

And the show is wonderful. I'm so proud of my cast and I really think this show could keep the audience in stitches from opening to close. There is so much goodness and quality packed into the two hours...beautiful ballads by beautiful singers, hilarious sketches and character duets, romance, tap dancing, broad gags, subtle innuendo, impressive arrangements and harmonies, high energy entertainment and moments so sweet that you have to go 'awwwwww'. Today will be our first run through and I will get a better big picture look at our product, but really, I already feel successful. People will buy tickets and regardless of how many are sitting out there, I am pleased to be the creator of this project. I must not lose sight of that...

This will be one of the most rewarding experiences I will have ever had, if I can just get through it without it killing me.

Anonymity Is A Beautiful Thing

2009-06-02T21:31:00.003-07:00

I took my blog off of Facebook tonight. There are just too many people on my FB now that I feel odd enough about that I find myself editing what I want to write. Which I have never done and don't intend to start doing. Screw that. I love to write honestly. And as less and less people are coming to my blog to read lately, the more and more I feel like I can start saying, once again, exactly what I want to. Because if a tree falls in the forest and there isn't anyone to hear - does it really make a sound?

This selling my house thing has stunk so far. I thought it was going to be so easy. But here we are - like idiots - selling NOW...now that the market has become flooded with sellers instead of buyers. Buyers are all tied into knots about the recession or the potential crash that Saskatchewan has coming to it and, on top of that, buyers have about one million options. I hate having people poke around my house and criticizing it. I get enough of that from my mother. It just plain sucks as a thing to have to do day in and day out.

So, we've listed it with a realtor. I have chosen someone from Regina, because somehow I feel my house is not represented well by someone from Moose Jaw. We've priced it a bit high in my estimation, but then again I am feeling beaten down and she is fresh and optimistic. The commission strategy is aggressive, but if they can sell my house for a good price, I am willing to pay them good money. I'm just not sure. Not sure of anything. I want to pick this house up and take it with me to Vancouver Island where people will appreciate it. Where I could continue to live in it, but near the ocean. I just want this house to sell.

At least now, sell or not, I don't have to be in the front row. I just have to get updates and offers and make negotiations and sign on the dotted line. If the price has to come down too low, we will either lose the money or rent it out. I don't want to regret buying this house because it won over my heart when I first found it...but I may regret allowing Leon to talk me into buying a house in Moose Jaw. Or maybe it has nothing to do with the location -- maybe selling one's house in a buyer's market sucks for everybody.

Anyway - the sign goes in our lawn tomorrow. May it all unfold with ease, joy and grace. May the universe attract a young, happy and in love couple like we were who will love this house because it is old and quirky and charming!! May I find my way through this hell and onto the other side.

I need a distraction. Something that isn't the show and something that isn't the house. A new TV show. Or a class to take. Or perhaps I should take -sorry Leon- a lover...

...although the only kind of man I would be attracted to right now would be one who wanted to buy my house.

Signs

2009-06-01T22:04:00.001-07:00

This short movie - 10 minutes long - has just captured my heart.

Signs
Uploaded by mg02 - Check out other Film & TV videos.

N V

2009-05-28T21:10:00.004-07:00

There is a downside to using Facebook....

A Familiar Song

2009-05-24T22:29:00.005-07:00

I hid today. This isn't uncharacteristic of me, really. There is so much that I am involved with currently that scares the bejeezuz out of me that I find that I need, every so often, to just hide. So today I hid and didn't allow myself to do anything regarding selling our house or Ain't We Got Fun or marketing or future plan making. Instead, I sat at a piano for a whole load of hours in an empty house and played and sang and got lost in a creativity that wasn't attached to stress. I remembered old songs that I had written and yet haven't played or thought about in years... which made me remember how often I used to be creative for creativity sake. So much has changed. Now, I am creative for money and I decorate my homes for money and I am racked with fear constantly that my creative efforts will be an obvious failure because of their inability to make money.

Rehearsals start soon and I am editing my script and I am afraid. Afraid the cast won't like it or be able to deliver it or that the audience will be bored or disappointed. I am terrified that I won't be able to conduct all the pieces that need to come together and that I am in over my head. Mostly, I am scared that nobody will come and that a sense of doom will provide over the whole run. Yup. This whole project is scary. I'm just white knuckling it the whole way hoping to get to the end in one piece.

And our house? Met with a realtor the other day who informed us that we are priced WAY too high. Which I agree we are now that the market has been flooded with inventory. There are more houses than there are buyers and our little guy is old and quirky. So, we lower our price...but how low? And if we aren't going to maximize our profit on it, shouldn't we wait to sell it? Maybe just rent it out for awhile and wait for the market to ease up? Or will renting it mean having someone come in and destroy all the love we've put into the house? Why can't it be easy?

So, hiding from my life seems pretty good right now. Of course, tomorrow is only a sleep away. But still, today was a lovely gift. And as a thank you I am going to include a video of me singing a song I wrote back in 2002/2003...a song I haven't played in a long time...a song not quite as familiar as Fear, but much more melodic...

Lyrics:

I brought jam to your tent and we slept there
Silent, without promises
We were young in '97
And we knew it, and we grew

You were young and quiet and beautiful
With your cards tricks and your mystery
Fly fishing in the Yukon, me - not even 23...

Ultimatums in gazebos
With the midnight sun a blazin'
Making love to 50's music
The smell of morning dew
I was haunted by white ball caps
And a summer soaked with dreaming
I always thought that we would meet again
But when you're young, you always do

The Arctic Circle was calling us
In that truck, we never knew
You were scared and quiet and beautiful
That morning when you kissed me
You hitchhiked back to Ottawa
You hitchhiked back to you

And you needn't call it love to know they've altered your reality
And it needn't last an eternity to lay forever on your mind
I figured out eventually that our journey was necessity
Just wish I could have told you before running out of time

Ultimatums in gazebos
With the midnight sun a blazin'
Making love to 50's music
The smell of morning dew
I was haunted by white ball caps
And a summer soaked with dreaming
I always thought that we would meet again
But we were young
I always thought that we would meet again
But we were young
I always thought that we would meet again
But when you're young, you always do.

A Less Linear Blog

2009-05-18T01:23:00.004-07:00

I submitted my recent blog post "On Remembering Leah" to www.wordle.com and it made this beautiful word cloud with a web 2.0 tag system that enlarges the most prominent words...captures what I was trying to say in a whole different way...

2.0 Faves and Finds As Cool As Missy Higgins

2009-05-16T20:02:00.002-07:00

I have been stumbling upon (intentional phraseology) so many cool new Finds these days that I've compiled a new list...all things entitled My New Favorite...from musicians, to web communities, to a webisode so wonderfully giggly that I vote it a must-see (especially for all of you who have ever said the following sentence ... "when I grow up I wanna be an actress". LOL

CLICK HERE FOR THE KJs FINDS MENTIONED ABOVE!

Plus, a new Konkin Question that is a hopeful venture to collect what tasty URLs my personal community is visiting. Surfing the web and discovering hidden gems online is absolutely one the things that makes me totally happy...so come on...

CLICK HERE TO MAKE KJ HAPPY AND ANSWER HER SUPER EASY KONKIN QUESTION!

On Remembering Leah

2009-05-13T22:19:00.003-07:00

In 1997 I had a summer that changed my life. You know the kind. Those summers when you're 21 and your friends are your family and the biggest responsibility you have is to show up to work on time and to not get too hung over. I spent my life changing summer in Dawson City doing the can-can. I also lived with three other very beautiful women, ate Cinnamon Toast Crunch almost exclusively, was accused of stealing a boyfriend, flipped and rolled a truck that was not mine, saw the smallest penis that I've seen to date, danced on a torn psoas, sat underneath seaplane wings in the rain to write poetry and met a man at the very end that I fell head over heels in love with. It was a magical summer that taught me so much about myself...about love and friendship...not to mention how to cover up facial expressions of horror when viewing teeny appendages for the first time.

And these memories flood my heart tonight because a few short hours ago I found out that one of the dancers that I lived and worked with that year, died last night in BC after a fierce battle with ovarian cancer. She was younger than I am by a year or two. I had only picked up on small hints during conversations with mutual friends that something was up with her health, but not being close, I had no idea that things were this serious. Needless to say, the news has shocked me. Because she is young and strong and beautiful and funny and vivacious and has her whole life in front of her. And yet, this morning, she didn't get to wake up and experience Today. Today with all of its crappy weather and warm hugs and plans for the future. Today she experienced life in a different form, a form that most of us have yet to understand or are able to connect into. This is what is terribly sad. Not that she was allowed to rid her unwell physical form for a much more peaceful version of herself, but that she is now an energy that so few of us know how to access. It is so much easier to be able to grab ahold of someone and poke 'em and hug 'em and say directly to their wonderful face "I miss you".

I hate to be one of those people that, when tragedy strikes, cultivates a closeness that did not exist. Honestly, I never really got to know Leah intimately and, if it wasn't for Facebook, wouldn't have spoken to her in the last few years as much as I have. But Leah's death (or rebirth?) shakes me because she - along with that whole summer - is a very important part of my life. And in turn she has been, in a way, a part of me and to have even the smallest part threatened by this thing called mortality is sobering. It reminds me of how transient It All is...bits and pieces of memory tied together with breath...and how everything that can feel so real can be turned into a dream in a *blink*...

It reminds me not to assume that Today will turn into Yesterday.

Best of all, it reminds me of her laugh and of Dawson and of everything that has followed after...

Vlog - The New, Improved Life Plan

2009-05-09T21:18:00.004-07:00

If you are reading this post on Facebook and can't see the video below, click here.

Honest Questions

2009-05-06T07:49:00.002-07:00

Yesterday at supper, while we were checking out a new Sub n' Shake place in The Jaw, I asked my husband an all important question. A question that I think every coupled-up person should find the courage to ask their partners. After wiping the strawberry milkshake from my lips, I reached over, took his hand and asked: what, Leon, would you want the next year of your life to look like if you didn't have to take my feelings into consideration?

Of course, his first reaction was to bluster, 'well, that's a stupid question because you're my wife and we're married and I DO take your feelings into consideration. That's the whole point." So, I reworded it. "With our future lying ahead of us and some big choices to be made, what would YOU choose if you could be guaranteed that whatever you chose I would completely and happily support and go along with?

Now, I know what you are all thinking. You're thinking that this question sounds like one of those impossible to answer, trapping kind of questions that couples often pose. But, having been the queen of that in the past, I now know better than to ask a question that I am not wanting an honest answer to. Besides, this particular question was really weighing on my mind. So, I asked and Leon, well, Leon tried to answer.

Seems he hadn't really allowed himself to ask that question. The whole last six months has been focused on my desire to go back to BC or my thoughts about going back to school or my dreams of doing a North American road trip. The only thing he has known for himself is that he wanted to a) do contracts and b) make sure I was happy. So, to ask himself what he would do about selling our house and August and money and future plans IF there was no Krista's Needs in the equation stumped him. But, as I like about my hubby, it didn't stump him for long.

And after a moment to reflect, out poured these thoughts and dreams. No, they weren't a far cry from the original plans, but they had a Leon stamp on them. It was an amazing thing to hear Leon The Individual speak to me instead of Leon The Husband. And no, not everything he said was something I wanted to hear, but I respect that. Leon and I don't exist, now that we've fallen in love and gotten married, to simply have the feelings and want the things that are 'couple appropriate'. We are still our own people. And thank god for that! What he answered last night at supper as we enjoyed the spring sun and mowed down on dinner was potentially life altering. Because now, I think some of our plans might need to change.

I'm convinced that there is a way for both of us to get to experience much of what we both wish to experience. Marriage can not be a prison sentence where you have to pretend forevermore to stop wanting things that have nothing to do with your spouse. I must be dedicated to not losing myself completely again like I did with Jordan. But because I love love love Leon, I must not allow him to lose himself in me either.

So, will we still sell our house? Move to BC? Is there a road trip in our future? Own property somewhere hot? Will I go back to school this year? Will 33 really be my baby making year?

Stay tuned.

Real Estate Investment For Those Who Would Rather Sing Show Tunes

2009-05-04T20:11:00.002-07:00

Being someone who is currently selling her house, I am coming across a lot of people with a lot of different stories. The biggest one right now is "I've got a big down payment and a well paying full time job, but I can't get a mortgage because I have bad credit." Unfortunately, for these people, the rental vacancy is .5% in Moose Jaw and rents are going through the roof. This means that they can't find anywhere to rent and they can't get a mortgage to buy. It breaks my heart to run into so many people dealing with this right now in MJ.

Now, the smarter ones who are inquiring (no offers yet, grrrr) are looking at our house as an excellent rental income property because they are savvy enough to know that at the price we're asking versus the average current rent , they'd buy an immediate cash flow property. In fact, any smart investor would urge us to not sell our house right now, but find down payment money for BC elsewhere and rent, rent, rent our MJ house. We could ask four to five hundred dollars above our mortgage payment and make the utilities the tenants responsibility. The positive cash flow is unreal, but unfortunately, we have yet to figure out a way to get our hands on a down payment if we don't sell our MJ house.

I know that some of you already have eyes that are glazing over. But I will leave you with some (not all, but some) of the tips, warnings, wisdoms and general info that I am collecting with all this owning real estate stuff.

1. Find out your credit rating. It needs to be 720 or above. If it isn't, do something about it YESTERDAY. Seriously. Even landlords are starting to check credit history, so take this to heart.
2. If there is some way you can find down payment money (I know this isn't easy, but HEY if Leon and I could do it, you can, too) then check and see if you are paying ridiculous rent compared to what you'd pay for a mortgage. Use the mortgage calculator at ingdirect.ca...it's a simple, easy to use design). If you are - as might be the case right now since interest rates are silly low - BUY.
3. Yes, there are lots of additional costs to take into consideration. I don't care. Buy anyway. Don't remain someone that us owners get rich upon.
4. This equation means ALOT...now, I know many of you find this math stuff UN-exciting and I understand. I loathe math and numbers. But this equation is powerful to know. And not only rich, bankerly people should know it. So here it is:

TDSR = Mortgage payments + Taxes + Heating Cost + Condo fees + Other Debts DIVIDED BY Gross annual income

...and what is even more important is that if this equation equals more than 40% a bank is unlikely to give you a mortgage.

5. If you wanna know what your Gross Income was last year, go and check 150 on your income tax return. If you didn't file your taxes last year then go back and read #1.

I remember having these talks with my gang of girlfriends and by the end of the conversations two would be crying, one would be suicidal and others would have secretly snuck out while I wasn't looking. I get that artists and spiritualists and hippies and environmentalists are not supposed to like talking about ROI and positive cash flow and markets and investment banking...but sometimes I long to demystify the whole thing for "these types of people" so that we can play in the money game, too. So we can own homes and have the power that comes with financial independence. So that we can stop being thought of as flakey. Cool to be flakey if that is a word that is connotative of one being emotional and led by intuition. Not cool to be flakey if that means that you don't pay your bills on time and avoid talking about money period.

My two cents. For tonight. I might be back to say more later.

And my apologies for those whose good mood I may have soiled;-)

Here's What I Want To Do

2009-04-30T12:07:00.002-07:00

I want to take a year and perhaps buy a camper van or RV or something and then drive all over North America. Just one big huge Finding Me road trip. I wanna rent out the real estate I own so that it is making cash flow and then unhook myself and fly. I want Leon to be with me for the trip and, you know, I think he's up for it.

Here are just some of the things I want to see/attend/visit/experience (in no particular order):

1. The Grand Canyon
2. The Grand 'Ol Oprey
3. The Redwoods of Northern Cali
4. The Agape Centre
5. Esalen in Big Sur, CA
6. Las Vegas
7. Burning Man
8. Mardis Gras
9. Ride down the canals of San Antonio, Texas
10. Asheville, NC and the CSL there
11. Austin, Texas
12. See a few Broadway shows in New York, NY
13. The Hamptons
14. Any or all of the ivy league universities
15. Maharshi School of Management
16. Unity Village
17. A Six Flags
18. The Queen Charolette Islands
19. Cape Breton
20. Anne Of Green Gables in PEI
21. Beaches in the Baja
22. Omega Institute
23. Asilomar
24. The set of One Tree Hill
25. The Complaint Free Church in Kansas City, MO

This is a tip of the iceberg. My tastes are all over the place...from cliche tourist to new thought spiritualist to adolescent to patriotic to random randomness.

I could give the trip a theme. Ask a big question that I could collect answers to in every stop along the way...like 'what do YOU think the secret is?' or 'what is the key to a sustainably kick ass marriage?' or maybe I could even see if I could find evidence of and collect the stories of people who are actually doing what they love and getting paid for it. Since that seems to be the thing that is eluding me the most.

Ooooh, I love this idea. I've got no children, no full time job, no responsibilities (at least I won't once Ain't We Got Fun is done). The book I am reading right now The 4 Hour Work Week gave me the exercise of writing down what the worst possible scenario would be if I did exactly what I speak of above. So, I wrote it down and saw that the liklihood of it destroying my life is low and that the negative repercussions - if they resulted - could be mended with low to moderate effort.

The positive repercussions on the other hand are likely to be HUGE.

So, anyone have a motor home they are looking to rent out?

Before The Reminiscence

2009-04-23T09:10:00.002-07:00

Here is something I would like to embody as best I can in the upcoming three months. I would like to keep myself in the Now as much as possible and soak up what I am sure is going to be a very...full...experience. I know in my last couple of blog posts I spoke to wanting to numb out and how I have been dreaming of the future as a way to give me strength to face my stress, but I have to admit that I would be prouder of myself if I could just Be in the moment.

Because this is what I know about myself. I am very good at being nostalgic. AFTER the fact, I look back and see all the good that was involved in that particular time of my life or contract or relationship, etc. I'm afflicted with that oh-so-common disease = I don't what I have until It's gone. To be fair, there have been some times of life, contracts and relationships that weren't very healthy or empowering or fun in any way, shape or form. But when I look back on them I can still see so clearly that, despite them being challenging times, they were the only time that will ever be THAT time. Does that make any sense? Take my year 2000 for example. A 'horrible year' by my estimation, full of self destructive behavior, dysfunctional relationships and artistic strife. But I look back NOW and what I know is that that was the year I was 24 and I will never be 24 again. I see a certain greatness to the fact that my life was so messy - hell, I was 24, messy is the name of the game!! Had I had the consciousness to detach ever so slightly from the turning of events, I might have been able to soak it all in with great appreciation and awareness that even though it was an awful time of my life, it was also the best time of life, because it was my life.

I apologize if I speak in riddles, but this is what I would love to see from myself in the next three months. Sure, there is a lot on my plate. Sure, there never seems to be a moment to just relax and not worry. Sure, I have a lot of people depending on me and my capacity for failure in the next 90 days is huge. BUT. I will never be 32 years old again, living in my adorable home in Moose Jaw, newly married, trying to sell the house, writing multiple shows, knee deep in Arts Board grants, childless, friendless, dressing up like a clown and making kids laugh, cozily huddled up in my duvet stuffed bedroom with a MacBook perched upon my purple velvet pillow desk. This time may be stressful, but it is so amazingly unique and precious and fleeting and, once it is over, I will never get a chance to do it again. Soon, this time will become fodder for reminiscence.

So, I'm going to attempt to stay present. Even when It feels desperately uncomfortable. I need not be fearful! The Wilson project opened yesterday and it was a huge success...and now the ball is rolling...and while this roller coaster keeps getting faster I am going to attempt to keep my eyes wide open...

and my food in my stomach.

Letter To An Un-named Non-friend

2009-04-21T23:44:00.002-07:00

Where are you tonight?

I could really use you. You know Leon. Fast asleep. Not a care in the world. It's both aggravating and inspiring. His To Do list is empty and mine is chalk full...but it wouldn't matter if it were the other way around. He sleeps. No matter what. He sleeps.

But I know you. You're like me. You stay up late. Like a small child, afraid you'll miss something if you let your eyelids close. Afraid to even allow sleep to take over for a few hours. That is what I like(d) about you. You understood the night the way I did.

Which is why I wish. Wish I could call you. Explain that tonight I avoid sleep because I am scared to face tomorrow. Explain that I don't like this ride anymore and would like to get off. You'd understand my metaphor. And you wouldn't let my overly dramatic way of speaking freak you out. You'd tease me a little. Ya, you would. You'd ask me how I got myself tangled up into all this in the first place.

You and I would both know it had a lot to do with The Guy. I'm always making decisions based on The Guy in my life and not so much based on what I want. Then I start resenting The Guy. So much so that I start to feel trapped and I bolt. But you and I both know that This Guy didn't ask me to choose his stuff over mine. He didn't ask me to disregard my own feelings for a pay cheque. I did this. I did this in the name of my partnership so that I would have something to blame.

Sucks that I can't call you. And I can't, can I? We went and got complicated. Or maybe it was that we were never complicated and it broke my heart to find out we were so simple. Either way. You're the one I want to talk to tonight. And I can't. Or I shouldn't. Or I won't.

Whichever. It's lonely here without you. I'm still such a mess. It'd make you laugh, how, at 32, I'm still such a mess. The only difference is that I am more at peace more often with the fact that I am a mess. And, yes, that makes a difference. Sometimes. Not tonight. Not right now when I cling to today, avoiding tomorrow.

Not right now when I miss you so much it hurts.

Creepy part is that this sounds like I'm writing a letter to an Ex. The One That Got Away. Or something. Sigh. As If.

A husband does not complete a woman. Mine is wonderful in many ways. But there are times when he looks at me like I am an alien from another planet. And I am. It's the planet that you and I used to live on together. It's an alien language we used to speak fluently. That is, until we chose to stop speaking altogether.

I wonder if you are up? Where ever you are. I wonder if you still read my blog? If you'll read this post and smile...or wish you hadn't read it at all.

I'm still here. Silly and sad and smart and stupid, still. And, yes, I still think of you. Especially on nights like this when I feel like I can't breathe. Yes, I still think of you.

It gets me through.

Sometimes I Wish I Drank

2009-04-19T09:52:00.002-07:00

The other day, oddly, I was flooded with memories of the time in my husband's life when he was drinking all the time and smoking non-stop. Perhaps this is because he had found some old show photos and video clips of Cabaret back in 2006 and there was the evidence...Leon at parties with a cigarette in his hand or taking a swig of a beer...or both. Perhaps the reason I noted it so acutely was because I had just been saying to him the night before that sometimes, every so often, I wish I had a vice. A numbing agent. A drug of choice that could take me away from the stress of my To Do list and my fears that it's all going to be too much for me and I will explode.

It's true. Sometimes I really do wish this. Leon assures me that when you try to escape your problems with cigarettes, drugs or alcohol you really just end up muffling it with cotton balls. "You can still feel the stress," he assured me, "it's just duller. Which isn't really all that great. At best, you are distracted momentarily. But it won't make you completely forget. Not, unless, you are thinking of something more hard core like heroin". And I think of how my drug free body reacts even to pain killers. I've never felt they work well. They just make me feel like I'm in pain AND groggy. So, screw that. I ain't becoming a heroin addict this late in life and I am definitely not going to smoke, drink or do drugs if I can't be guaranteed - at the very least - that for a handful of hours the magic drugs will lift the burdens completely off my back and make me feel free from all worry.

Which means, I suppose, that I will have to stay the sober head case that I've always been. Continue to envy and attempt to emulate all those 'chilled out' folk that exist and would never let a few projects all coming to a head at the same time freak them out.

My drug of choice is actually AUGUST. I dream of August in a lustful way. I let it sit there on the horizon, beckoning me. The day after the last show of Ain't We Got Fun, I will sleep in and wake up feeling like a new person. Gone will be reports due for the government, gone will be the Wilson project, gone will be selling people on coming to our show, gone will be writing scripts, gone will be meetings, gone will be budgeting, gone will be performing, gone will be ... income. LOL. Gone might be our house as well, but that one I'm not sure of. One thing I do know is that I intend August to be a life raft of happy summer stress free fun. THAT is like a hit of heroin to me. Leon and I are talking of driving to BC and then driving south down to California. Road trips, travel, love. At the end of August I will find out where I am going to be living in the fall, but until then...

For now, I gotta go prepare another workshop for tonight. Leon and I open our Wilson show on Wednesday and, even though I know we will be fine, we have only been allowed in the space ONCE to rehearse and will only get one dress rehearsal before crowds of little kids start to stream in. And don't even get me started on all the other stuff I gotta do.

But today the sun is out and soon, in the blink of an eye, it'll be August. No need for drugs or alcohol - and who are we kidding, I would NEVER smoke anything! Worst case scenario, if I need numbing, I will do it with Doritos, sleep and the internet. Past that, I will try to implement some of the wonders of my spiritual discipline and meditate on the Truth - that there is nothing I have to do, or be, or prove for it all to be okay. It is all okay already and will always be exactly as it should be. Stress and worry are a big waste of time. In fact, there isn't even really much to DO...so, I should just kick back and BE and let it all unfold in front of my eyes like a big ol' movie.

Easier said than done. Guess I'll just to put 'chill out' on my To Do list.

956 Athabasca St W. For Sale Now!

2009-04-14T21:57:00.002-07:00

Well, we put our house up for sale as of late last night and we've already shown it once! Unfortunately (or maybe not so unfortunately?) the wonderful woman who came to look at our house has an excellent job and a down payment, but not so great credit so can't get a mortgage. Made me so utterly thankful for mine and Leon's impeccable credit. We make make a ridiculously low income, but we manage the tiny amount well! Phew. Anyway, this woman ADORED our house and has proposed that we consider a rent-to-own possibility. Our only issue is that we would then need to find another source of money for our down payment in British Columbia. That being said, it would be awesome to not have to sell this house as a base truth to smart real estate investing is to never sell your first house....keep it and rent it and use its equity to by your second property. Heehee, I like how I have the investment knowledge of a wealthy person and the income of an artist. What a yummy - if slightly boggling - balance!

I am thrilled with the pictures of the house...it really shines like a little gem! CLICK HERE TO SEE MY HOUSE!!

With mortgage rates so low, a ten percent down purchase on this place would leave a person with a mortgage payment lower than what they'd pay in rent. This is a great time for people to buy, regardless of the economy. The economy will bounce back as it always does and the smart ones will have locked in for a five year term at some ridiculously low rate and be sitting pretty. Plus, with this house I think there is a lot of value that can still be added and, with the growth in Saskatchewan, still room for this little house's market value to climb.

Reminds me of all the stuff about real estate that I liked when I decided in 2005 to do my real estate course in BC. Fun to sell the house, fun to get it all prettied up, fun to market it and fun to shop for brand new ones.

Mostly, though, I just want to get back to the ocean and a province filled with people more like me. If I could pick up my little cute-as-a-button home and take it with me, I would. But a home is where the heart is and I'm clear now that my heart sits on a beach listening to the waves of the Pacific Ocean. So, I will let go of my first home.

Manifesting, all the while, a soul who will come along and love it with the same tenderness that we did.

Colds, Pressure, Babies, Marley and Me

2009-04-13T10:28:00.005-07:00

Ah, Monday. I'm not sure how I have managed through the cold, bleak months of having Leon gone to avoid all the invasive germs that seem to attack virtually everyone around these parts, but I did. So, does it make sense with the temperature going up to a whopping +20 today that I suddenly have a stuffed nose and sore sinuses? Ug. Ug. No, I refuse to get sick. Mr. Cold, you will simply have to go away for right now. Come back in...no, don't come back ever.

I wanna be happier than I am these days, but the truth is, I'm too stressed to be overly happy. And even though I know so many people who go batty when they're not busy and thrive on a fast-paced, driven lifestyle, I ain't one of them. There is never a mental moment of solace for me to escape into and I'm not a fan of being haunted by career related tasks. Still, time does fly by and I know that in a blink of an eye this will all be a nostalgic chapter of my life that will be remembered fondly. I cling to that when I spiral into a negative god-get-me-out-this mind trap. Day by day, I tell myself. Just do what is in front of you. Don't look up and see the mountain and how far it is yet to the top. Just one foot in front of the other and all that jazz.

To add pressure to the mix was a big discussion Leon and I had about babies. It came after watching a bootlegged copy of Marley & Me which I, of course, disliked. My dislike of the movie immediately made me worry that I, as a woman, am missing some essentially female gene that, without, will cause me to be a horrible mother. You see, I found nothing charming about a dog that made one's life messier and louder and smellier. Nothing. And from what I hear, babies don't bring a lot of cleanliness, quiet and roses. Still. Do we want to have the experience of parenthood? Because if we do (and we are both on the fence in lots of ways) I'd like to do it sooner than later. I personally don't want to wait until I am 40 years old and then go through the muck of trying to get pregnant and successfully carrying the baby to term. If we are going to do this, we should probably leap.

Ok, maybe we can wait until we've moved back to BC to leap. Or maybe we can just let our eggs and sperm stay put.

All I know is my nose is dripping and I have meetings to get to.

And I am definitely not a pet person.

My Love Hate Relationship With Sales

2009-04-11T20:53:00.002-07:00

It feels like all I am doing these days is selling.

That isn't true, of course, since yesterday I spent my Good Friday in a dark theatre rehearsing with my not-always-easy-to-direct husband for our upcoming tour show. Some of the time was spent looking in mirrors staring at ourselves dressed in clown costumes and contemplating how we got to a place in our lives where people paid us to stare at ourselves in mirrors wearing clown costumes. Too funny.

But otherwise, I am selling. I should be writing the rest of Act Two for Ain't We Got Fun, but mostly, I am selling. Posters have gone up everywhere (remind me to tell you all about the poster drama concerning one of the cast members and their HORROR at the picture of them that was chosen for our marketing materials - LOL), rack cards are being handed out, I am filming little video clips of random people telling them about AWGF and asking them the official AWGF question, I'm posting these videos and lots of other stuff on our new AWGF facebook group page, I'm entering info onto websites of all kinds be it event boards, social networking sites, classified ad sites, etc., I'm watching my husband shamelessly ask people for sponsorship money and I'm motivating everyone else around me to do spread the word.

Great thing is, I find this part of the project more enjoyable than any other part!

The other selling energy that has started this weekend and will be launching itself hard core this coming week is the selling of our adorable little house. Today we spent the whole day puttering and painting and staining and sewing and scraping and fixing our little house for preparation. We're gonna take some updated photos and start to post our house for sale on some free sites just as a slow, easy start. Then, we will meet with the skhomes4sale.com people and find out about listing our house on their site which will include putting our sign out front. The whole thing is kinda freaking us out. I mean, it's our first home and of course we've grown attached to it! To imagine packing up and no longer owning this small piece of happiness just floors us! I am also nervous about having strangers potentially insult our house. I mean, I KNOW that it is a gem of a house, but it is far from perfect and has it's definite flaws. I just feel so overly protective and ... egad...emotionally attached. Well, I had better nip that in the bud right away. This house will never be forgotten by Leon or I, but this house also represents a chance to own a home in BC. Which, according to most, is a very tough goal to accomplish when you make an artist's income. So, I must release and let go of the past and open fully to the new and perfect place that waits for us in BC.

That being said, I think I will also take lots of pictures and videos so that I can look back fondly on our first year of marriage in our first Magic Cottage.

I'll put links on my blog when the pictures and descriptions are ready. Sell, sell, sell. But right now, I am going to sit back for the first time tonight and sip on my apple cinnamon tea and enjoy soaking it all in.

Because before you know it, this too shall pass.

An Inspiring Weekend -- Part Two

2009-04-07T22:36:00.003-07:00

So here are the reasons that I loved this past weekend:

I didn't even realize how much I missed BC until I was physically there. The weather was perfect and when the sun decides to come out and shine on that province, it glimmers like an emerald. I was reminded how much the smell of wet trees turns me on. The mountains were out in their full glory and I was mesmerized. It nailed down fully for me as to where I want to be. Clarity is a great thing.

Seeing my friends was extremely comforting. I have actual friends! Woo Hoo! They all looked so good and were all so interesting to talk to and we all had so much in common. Obviously, this is why we had become friends in the first place, but being away I had forgotten. It made me grateful! They banded together and became a light at the end of a tunnel for me. I love my friends.

Going to CSL on Sunday morning was interesting. I felt awash with loyalty for my spiritual centre that has gone through so much and still perseveres. It was good to show my face there and let them know that I still care. The talk was pretty cool, the music not so bad and, even though the membership has shrunk, the potential for greatness still lives. I love being apart of any community that shares my spiritual views and so, all in all, I am glad that I went instead of sleeping in.

Saturday night I went Lindyhopping. I saw Jordan which I mostly appreciated for the dance partnership - we always were good dance partners! - and was able to dance with lots and lots of my favorite leads. I was even able to finish the night with a Shim Sham which was PERFECT since I have been teaching myself the Shim Sham in the last couple weeks because I am sticking it into Ain't We Got Fun (betcha can smell an audience participation number, can't ya??). These were MY things this weekend...the things that I gave up when we moved to Moose Jaw...the things that I love regardless of who agrees or comes along. The Centre, British Columbia, Lindyhopping...

Eating at Marguaritas....

IKEA...

And last, but not least, the thing that I loved most about my weekend. Leon. It was shocking to see him. He is soooo skinny! And handsome. And for the first 48 hours we were as nervous around each other as we might have been had we just met! Kissing felt wonderful and foreign and making love both erotic and familiar at the same time. We were just so happy to be together again. Five days later we are back to our old rhythms - almost like nothing happened - but oh those first few days. Absence DOES make the heart grow fonder.

But fonder doesn't even touch how I felt about him after I saw The Full Monty. The show was so good that it knocked my socks off. Seriously. Leon kicked ass - beyond my expectations - totally embodied the character. Every cast member was so well cast, the set will win awards, the direction and choreography so well done that I forgot to even notice it!! I am a PICKY audience member due to being in this industry way too long and being quite jaded, but this production made me feel 10 again. Leon's performance was transcendent and I came to a very deep place of peace about why he is so attached to this calling. Theatre is his North Star and this role was his compass. I cried the whole way through.

Gorgeous news is that he gets to do it again!! Persephone Theatre here in Saskatchewan (irony of ironies) has picked up the show and will re-mount it in 2010! Of course, we may be living back in BC by then, but I am so happy for him and for the whole cast.

Now, I am home and we have a million things to do. But, chin up and eyes on the tunnel ending light, I am determined to choo choo through it. I've got dreams beyond these projects and they are giving me fuel. As for the overwhelming amount on my To Do List, I will just take it one day at a time.

This past weekend recharged my battery and now, to the next four months, I say:

Bring it.

An Inspiring Weekend -- Part One

2009-04-06T20:28:00.003-07:00

I'm home! And I have so much to say ... my heart is spilling over from the last four days. But L and I are tired and need some sleep and so I will leave you with this ...

...and write more soon. Very soon;-)

Gone To Go Get My Husband Back

2009-04-02T19:26:00.002-07:00

I leave for Vancouver in the morning. I've cleaned the house, posted up a facebook group for Ain't We Got Fun, printed and cut rack cards for promotional purposes, had my hair done, waxed my eyebrows, packed my bags, purchased a pretty party dress, changed my outgoing message and patted myself on the back. Leon and I have made it through the two months and I am very much ready for things to go back to normal.

As for this weekend, I have no doubt that it is going to be awesome. I love BC. I miss BC. It'll probably rain the whole time I am there, but I don't care, because I can't wait to breathe in the smell of wet wood and be surrounded by green stuff and see mountains in the distance and go to the Centre on Sunday. I wanna lindyhop again and go to IKEA and spend time with actual FRIENDS! My mother's birthday is tomorrow (HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOAN!!!) and I think this will be a great, fun, whirlwind way to turn one year younger;-) And I get to see The Full Monty. I get to watch my husband get naked in front of a huge crowd of people. I may even get a chance to get to see my husband naked in more intimate moments as well...if we can find the privacy. Ahhh, yes. It's gonna be fast and it's gonna be perfect.

The only thing that will be hard is leaving behind my MacBook. But I'll take my iPhone and hope for the best. So, have a good weekend my dear readers where ever you are.

Next time we talk, I'll be all partnered up again.

Three More Sleeps

2009-03-31T11:19:00.003-07:00

I will see my husband again in three more sleeps.

Yes, I am excited. Anxious to just get there and sneak into his arms. Impatient to have him home and in our bed and wrapped around me, all heat and skin. Yes. Life is just yummier when he is in it.

But I haven't hated being on my own. I've never hated being on my own. Well, perhaps with the exception of the time right after Jordan when being single felt like an affliction instead of a gift. But otherwise, I've never understood the need so many of my female friends have had to always needing to be inside a couple. Being on my own rocks. This last two months would have been made slightly more bearable with more friends around to hang out with, but I have embraced having the bed to myself and having no one to be accountable to when I decide to spend the day doing nothing. I love cleaning up only my own messes and having scads of quiet time alone for inner reflection. You know how much I love inner reflection! LOL. Yes, I am excited to see Leon. And I don't have ANY desire to repeat this pattern of being apart over and over again. But I am grateful for the last two months.

My groove will have to adjust, but I am ready for that as well. Things that I look forward to:

Having sex again. Amen, sistah.
Eating hot meals again. Ah, my cook returns!
The soapy man smell that fills the house just after he's had a shower. YUM.
Having a team mate to delegate tasks to. AKA: finishing the basement stairwell.
Seeing him wag his bum while he peers out our front window. My Barbet!
Someone to go to the gym with. 'Cause I've been slackin'.
His motivational enthusiasm for life. (Or maybe I'm dreading that?)
Having sex again. Ooops, said that one already;-)

Poor Leon won't know what hit him when he returns. There is so much to do when he gets back and in Vancouver he's been allowed to just be in a Full Monty bubble. The day after we get home we have a day of workshops to teach in Tugaske, SK and the entire Wilson script to learn and mount, marketing and fundraising tasks for Ain't We Got Fun, Equity contract crap to iron out, openings of shows to see and networking to do, last minute house renos to do before the next To Do which will be selling our house. I've still got Act Two of AWGF to complete, Mortlach's research and reporting to complete, contracts to write, press releases to send out and media/pr gigs to nail down. From the moment we get home until Aug. 2nd, life is going to be insane.

This, above all, is my greatest reason for wanting Leon to finally come home...so that I have someone safe to hold onto during the craziness. Three more sleeps until I get my best friend back.

Better enjoy the bed hogging while I can.