A Life GPS

I have begun my rehearsals for Applause. It is like I have pushed a 'repeat' button on the stereo of my life and I have been sucked back to the winter of 2006. Like 2006, I am living (mostly) at Leanne's. The script is scarily similar and the cast virtually identical. Don't get me wrong, the winter of 2006 was a pretty great time in my life because it was the first time that entire year that the permafrost around my heart had started to melt. Regina represented a place to escape to - a place where I could hide from the 'real world' of Vancouver and Jordan and bedbugs and a very empty apartment. So, if I was going to have to push 'repeat' on a particular time of my life, that wouldn't be the worst time to pick.

Yet, I do feel like I am going through the motions. I LOVE being funny and getting paid to make people laugh and, for this part of my current job, I am grateful. But I can feel in every fiber of my being that this isn't what I am supposed to be doing. The voice in my head is gentle but firm when it says 'you wanna do this again? ok, if you must. but you know, krista, you are just avoiding. you are still avoiding.' That voice drives me crazy because then I scream back at it (silently so that I am not committed to a mental ward) "SUPPOSED TO DO WHAT?????" It has the infuriating way of never getting angry back...it just calmly and kindly says 'oh, you know. you do know.' Which I don't. Or at least which I am not able yet to discern through all my avoiding and resisting and searching and gnashing-of-teeth.

It makes it slightly hard to be doing this contract. I ask myself if I would be feeling any differently if I was to be doing a more prestigious contract with better pay, that was more challenging. That is when my Ego voice pipes up and says "TOTALLY DUDE!" But the kind, gentle, infuriating voice just shakes its head and with a touch of laughter says 'i am not so sure'. And I know that It is right. I'm not so sure either. It would feel good to be around super talented people that pushed me to be at the top of my game and to have the credit on my resume, but, ultimately, the same uneasy feeling would exist.

I guess that leaves me with just needing to allow my true path to emerge. And on good days, I think it is. Slowly - sometimes too slowly for my Ego - slowly it is molding itself into an identifiable path. I like to remind myself how if only I was able to rise above my life map and look down on it, I would see how I was right around the corner from my destination. Inside the map, around the corner feels like a million miles away. Above the map, though, it is a breathe away.

A breathe away, I wait. I wait and rehearse and try not to take it all too seriously. I enjoy acting like Marilyn Monroe and singing Buddy Holly tunes and I let go of the fact that my cast doesn't want to do any choreography. I take it for what it is worth, get lots of sleep and keep on with my InDesign lessons.

And I consider buying a GPS.