These Are The Night I Like Having A Blog

Without a blog, how else can one unload their heart in the middle of the night?

River Street is over and for the first time in a long time, I feel sad to end a show. My cast was more than amazing, they were kind. Actually kind, not I-had-better-be-kind-because-who-knows-what-jobs-or-info-I-might-be-able-to-get-out-of-you kind. Ian stood up at our party and gave a speech that floored me. In it, he quoted all the memorable quotes from throughout the run. At the end, he concluded his speed with a quote from something I said to the cast in the early part of the run, when the show was still wobbly and the morale a little low. I said:

There are three way to measure the success of a show. The first is by how many big, impressive, Equity names you have in the cast. The second is by how many tickets you sell and how many awards you win. But the third is the only one that is real. The third is by how much love exists in the building when you are all on stage together.

And Ian concluded that if the third was true, then ours must be the the most successful show in the history of this country because the love in that building could spill out onto the streets. None of us could disagree with him. We raised our champagnes and held back tears. Man, I am going to miss those guys. Going to? I already do.

Today was filled with more filming for Send In The Clowns, that short film I am doing with Daniel. It was pretty dark and twisty stuff and it left me in a grateful and sad place. When I got home I received an email - two emails actually - that added to my grateful/sad state. It made me realize how lucky I am to have the life I have - despite the days I wish I were somebody else. If only for the fact that I am in a relationship that is kick ass, my life is pretty great. I have made new friends here that don't want me to leave and I am going back in just over a week to a place where I have left so many old friends behind. Once again, I am floating between jobs and geographical locations without a healthy dose of having a clue where I belong. And yet, and yet.

I know who I am. Of course I do. I know what my boundaries are and I won't ever again allow them to blur (thank you to Jordan!) My partner makes me his priority every day, proudly, and I don't have to sell him on it or convince him to do it or negotiate anything to make it happen. My marriage proves to me that love is simple. What a controversial thing to say in a society that is convinced that love is hard work. The hard work is in loving myself...but when I am succeeding at that, sharing that love with Leon Benjamin Willey is the easiest thing I have ever done before in my whole life, period.

Sigh. It seems impossible that the summer is only half over.

Maybe if I close my eyes long enough it will never have to end...