Biz E

Our roof is leaking.

Leanne is staying over at our house tonight and I can overhear the conversation her and Leon are having. They are talking about how is the hell Leon and I could ever afford to have a baby. This comes up at a time when Leon is working two jobs - the show and his other joe job at the spa - and is pulling days that last from 5am until 1am. He is burning out, we hardly see each other and still the income he/we make barely cuts the mustard. Not surprisingly so, he can't imagine how we would deal with this if we - god forbid - added a kid into the mix. I can't say that I disagree.

Tonight I don't want to have a baby.

It is a feeling that comes and goes these days. Lately, I have been back to my original feeling of never wanting to procreate. The other day, even, I visited new friends that have a seven month old baby. She is the sweetest, cutest, chubbiest of babies - the kind that make a womb swell. But there I was, back in my 20 year old mentality thinking -

ohmygodthankgodthatisn'tmineandIcangohomeanytimeIwantto!!!

No part of me ached for a child. No part of me looked over longingly at Leon and dreamed. Nope. I was thrilled to have at least that freedom. I was thrilled to not have to play mother on top of wife and home owner (I can't believe our roof is leaking!). Hell, playing wife and home owner is a million times more adult than I ever thought I would become. Nope...no, no, no...no babies. No thanks. That is were I am at these days.

In fact, sometimes I think about all the responsibility I have taken on and I want to run backwards into my past where it was just me and my one bedroom apartment with the Vancouver rain pounding against the patio door and the strains of swing music playing in the background. It is useless to tell myself that it is selfish or childish to feel this way. The feeling comes up and swells inside my chest like a pressure balloon, choking me. Part of the weight of me missing Vancouver is me missing my freedom.

I gotta go back.

I just gotta.