Ommmm And CUT

I meditated today. Finally. After over a year. It ebbs and flows for me, meditation. Like going to a gym. I will get spurts of motivation and it will feed on itself, but when something brings it to a halt, I will take a loooong pause. Since I met Leon in March of 2007, I haven't meditated. Well, maybe twice in organized settings, but not really. Not on my own. Since watching the New Earth classes with Eckhart, I have felt deeply that I needed to get back to it. There is silence in my life here in Moose Jaw. Lots of it. Actually, I am quite lonely, but that is a whole other blog. The thing with silence, the thing with anything unfolding in the Now Moment, is that if I embrace it, great things will occur. If I resist it, I suffer. If I am going to be surrounded by isolation and silence, I may as well go deeper and find the goodies that lie there. So, this morning I meditated. And you know what?

It rocked.

It rocked and I floated - in a grounded way - through my day. It felt like rolling around the frying pan of life greased up with butter.

The floating feeling stopped when I went to my first TV audition in years. I had been called in to read for the role of Parent #1 on Corner Gas. I went at 5pm like I was supposed to and went into the room. Long story short, I was awful. Awful. Look, I know what I am good at and I am the first person to say "oh, I can do that with both arms and legs tied behind my back". I also know what I am not good at. This doesn't mean that I couldn't get good at it, but as it stands, right now I am not a talented TV/Film actress. Every time I said my lines I was told to make it smaller. To move less. To make the lines less important (LESS IMPORTANT???? DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE???!!!!!). By the time I gave the casting director the take she wanted I felt like I was imitating a manequin with about as much personality as our fake, storefront friends. It felt awful. I was awful. Before I left the room, I did the thing that no one should ever do. I turned to her and said "I shouldn't be here." She laughed at me, obviously thinking that I was cracking a joke of some sort. "Oh, no. Don't worry about it," she said, "our directors love theatre actors because you are all so good. You just have to get used to be much smaller."

Yeah, more like get used to being in a coma, I thought, before I smiled and fled home.

How in a day I went from feeling so much bigger than myself to depressed because I had no ability to be smaller, I will never know. Conclusions:

a) I don't want to be a TV or Film Actor. Chalk it up to the 347th thing I know that I DON'T want to do.
b) I like meditating because when I am meditating I don't have to worry about 'being' anything at all.

Especially a manequin in a coma.