Choosing Contentment

A few years back, during some of the hardest years of my mid-twenties, I came back home to Saskatchewan to visit an old friend and her husband. They were living in Weyburn on an acreage and raising their two boys. I was living in Toronto and living the typical actor in Toronto life, full of drama and uncertainty. Upon arriving at their home, I saw the husband playing catch with one of his sons and she was helping their youngest climb up things. They were the picture of a happy family.

Once inside, the happy family picture did not change. The boys were adorable and well behaved and charming as all heck. The husband, who at one point thought he might become a chef, went into the kitchen and started whipping up a fantastic meal while my friend and I caught up. It was obvious through the laughter and connection that she and her husband were still happily in love and that, of course, reflected in their children. During supper, in the middle of eating, I stopped and really took a look around. It put me in awe, especially at a time in my life when true happiness was an elusive commodity. Being someone who says everything out loud, I put down my fork and told them all how lucky they were and how thrilled and envious I was at their palpable happiness.

My friend, never one to back down from an opportunity to state her opinion gave me a wry smile and said "Yes, Krista. It's called contentment. You should try it."

That conversation stuck with me for years. I went back to Toronto and stayed unhappy for only a year more before taking my infamous hiatus from theatre and moving away from Toronto. Contentment was so foreign to me that it was embarrassing. That is when I moved to Vancouver, started to attend CSL and ultimately began Finding Me. It was said that I was trying to find my life purpose which immediately makes all of us, including myself, think of career path. Or at least something that one DOES that they are passionate about. But after a year or so, when I lost Jordan, I realized that my real life's purpose, my real search, was for contentment. That elusive feeling that says "I am completely at peace and in joy with whatever I am experiencing right now".

So, have I found it? Hmmm, hard question. I am finding more moments of it, for sure. The last year and a half has brought me more contented spaces than the thirty years previous. The hard part for me is to learn how to reach for the stars (synonymous with wanting more) and still feel contentment with right now. If dreaming and longing brings dissatisfaction with what I have going currently, then does that make dreaming and longing a dangerous game to play? Or have I just not mastered the Art Of Dreaming - an art form, when learned, that brings you even more Joy and not a one way ticket towards Bluesville.

Can I be content with forever being a Dreamer?