-42 With The Wind Chill

Sunday nights have always made me a little sad. Strange for that to be true since I haven't really spent much time as a Mon-Fri 9-5er. In fact, as a theatre professional Sunday night is ones Friday night, since Mondays are dark. I guess it started as a student, knowing that the week of accomplishing was going to start again and that the weekend filled with the freedom to 'do' less was being left behind.

Tomorrow I must again DO. When your unemployed, you work harder than when you have a job. It is true! Any time I spend doing something other than job hunting or researching or fretting is time that I immediately feel I am wasting. God knows I am meaning to implement that Taoist skill of observing life falling into place, but when mortgage deadlines stare you in the face it is hard to just WAIT and TRUST. This upcoming week should be very telling and some of the waiting, one way or the other, will end. Yet I can't help but cling to tonight and somewhat dread waking up tomorrow morning with more uncertainty to face ... with more unknowns to practice having faith in.

I will let you in on another little secret of my neurosis. When I feel frustrated or blocked in my current career area, my desire to have a baby sky rockets. Then I become resentful of my partner because he is not ready to have a baby and is in no position to be a sole bread earner for an entire family. But OH to have the option to just stop all the searching or the working at jobs I don't really like and just get pregnant and be taken care of!! My friends and family laugh at me when I admit this because they know me and assure me right away that I would be MISERABLE not having my own income and not creating my own projects and not being out in the world, involved and traveling and moving and shaking. Truth is, I might even be miserable with the actual raising-of-a-child part as well, once the little guy had made its way out of my uterus. It is true. My whole life I have resisted the thought of becoming a mother and its freedom ending responsibilities. Now I am fantasizing about using Motherhood as a way of escaping responsibility all together.

Sometimes I think that I am a very messed up and confused human being.

Then I watch a home video of myself from 2002 and I see how far I have come. Sure, some things haven't changed much, but some things have. I could see my inability to be vulnerable back then...my need to seem completely in control and keep my guard up at every turn. So, maybe gently feeling messed up and confused and sharing it with other messed up and confused people means that I have, at the very least, opened up my heart a tiny bit. Allowed myself to not have all the answers.

And I suppose that THAT is a bigger accomplishment than any job will ever bring.