2008

The year begins and I trip over coming-true-dreams that seem to wrap themselves around my ankles. Moments of panic and fear choke me and I think of ways to destroy the contentment. Like the quote that says "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." Seems sometimes all the happiness is too much. So, how do I deal with my anxiety when I am rearranging dining room furniture?

Remembering I am safe and that this flow will not hurt me. Remembering a year and a half ago when I would stand in front of empty coat hooks and come undone. Remembering the sweet boys that I plowed over in my past, because I could not escape fast enough. Remembering that I have never tried to escape anything but my own demons.

The demons are these: living in a sweet little house in Moose Jaw and becoming nothing important. Marrying a man who will neglect me, use me and eventually leave me for a younger piece of ass. Dying without having made my mark. Spending all my resources and energy on building up my partner's career and not my own. Letting myself love someone much too much and thus leaving myself vulnerable to the most excruciating pain that I would ever know. Demons. Entities that only exist in my over-active monkey mind.

Another tactic is to smother them with Joy. Joys of laughing so hard while you and he try to fix the rickety old steps in the basement that you can hardly breath in the sawdust. Joys of making love finally in every and any room of the house without worrying about your volume. Joys of sitting beside each other in your new living/dining room area while you blog and he works on his stamp collection. Simple joys. Powerful joys. Necessary joys. Making all the fear worth it.

So, I am off, into a year of unknowns. On my list of to do's are the following: get my summer body back. buy 2 extension cords with 3 prong plugs. find affordable filing cabinets. marry my boyfriend. run my own business. spend time at the cottage. get the laundry re-plumbed into the cold room. make some new friends. get a co-op number. hang beautiful art in my home. make great money. create projects that can employ my buddies and entice them to come be with me in Saskatchewan. get through the winter without freezing to death. allow the dreams to come true. appreciate my wonderful partner. stay true to myself...no matter where I live, who I live with or what I end up doing.

2008. In 2007 I secured myself a new base and now I must start to build up. Nothing scary up there...just more a view.

I am ready to see for miles.