Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I've Been Everywhere, Man
It's a life so filled right now that sometimes I stop walking in the middle of a hallway of whatever elementary school I am teaching in that day to find that I have stopped breathing.
There are little kids looking to me to teach them and they are filled with innocence and it breaks my heart. There are older kids coming to me to confide that they feel lost and alone and all I can do is tell them to hang in there because we both know that I am just passing through. There are small town bars filled with the type of people I judge so harshly...probably because I don't understand them very well. I sit on the ground of a cold hard gym in Nowhere, Saskatchewan and a janitor calls me a 'free spirit' with a very mean smile.
There are team members that remind me of CrazyTrain and I remember someone explaining to me once that until you have healed your anger towards a personality you don't like, Life will keep presenting you with that personality in other situations until you have learned to choose love.
I try to choose Love.
There are numerous hotel room beds and this wonderful man who I know wants to marry me. He is adorable the way he rolls as far away from me as he can when he reaches REM sleep. How perfect we are together, I think every night, because I have never liked anyone too close to me when I am sleeping. There is a promise ring on my finger and kindergartens who ask me 'are you married?' There is the fact that my answer is 'almost'.
There is sex that is always hushed and quick because we are always in someone else's home and the new progesterone-only pill that I am on that is not really working. There is my sore body, aching from crawling around on the floor everyday acting like a cheetah. There are tax returns and down payments and welcoming in my final subletter who just happens to be a young, male doctor. Ah, then there is the beauty of seeing my lover jealous.
There are little boxes of raisins and a very awkward stage for my hair. There is this silly wound between my eyes and the tiny panic in my heart about the unemployment I face next year. There are those rare moments when I wonder about trying Real Estate again and moments when I mourn the loss of my love for the theatre industry. There are my uber-long fingernails and the dreams I have been having about the documentary Jesus Camp.
There are balmly October nights filled with pink sunsets and stealthily watched boxsets in the back of vans. There is the perfect fact that I haven't thought of Jo in weeks and weeks. And, even when I do, it is mostly to wonder where he would look if he needed to find a free third party software that read .mod files. There is my homsickness for the ocean. There is shock of knowing that this Saturday I might be making my first offer on a house.
I overflow.
There are little kids looking to me to teach them and they are filled with innocence and it breaks my heart. There are older kids coming to me to confide that they feel lost and alone and all I can do is tell them to hang in there because we both know that I am just passing through. There are small town bars filled with the type of people I judge so harshly...probably because I don't understand them very well. I sit on the ground of a cold hard gym in Nowhere, Saskatchewan and a janitor calls me a 'free spirit' with a very mean smile.
There are team members that remind me of CrazyTrain and I remember someone explaining to me once that until you have healed your anger towards a personality you don't like, Life will keep presenting you with that personality in other situations until you have learned to choose love.
I try to choose Love.
There are numerous hotel room beds and this wonderful man who I know wants to marry me. He is adorable the way he rolls as far away from me as he can when he reaches REM sleep. How perfect we are together, I think every night, because I have never liked anyone too close to me when I am sleeping. There is a promise ring on my finger and kindergartens who ask me 'are you married?' There is the fact that my answer is 'almost'.
There is sex that is always hushed and quick because we are always in someone else's home and the new progesterone-only pill that I am on that is not really working. There is my sore body, aching from crawling around on the floor everyday acting like a cheetah. There are tax returns and down payments and welcoming in my final subletter who just happens to be a young, male doctor. Ah, then there is the beauty of seeing my lover jealous.
There are little boxes of raisins and a very awkward stage for my hair. There is this silly wound between my eyes and the tiny panic in my heart about the unemployment I face next year. There are those rare moments when I wonder about trying Real Estate again and moments when I mourn the loss of my love for the theatre industry. There are my uber-long fingernails and the dreams I have been having about the documentary Jesus Camp.
There are balmly October nights filled with pink sunsets and stealthily watched boxsets in the back of vans. There is the perfect fact that I haven't thought of Jo in weeks and weeks. And, even when I do, it is mostly to wonder where he would look if he needed to find a free third party software that read .mod files. There is my homsickness for the ocean. There is shock of knowing that this Saturday I might be making my first offer on a house.
I overflow.
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