Thursday, September 27, 2007
This Temporary Life
If there is one good thing about being a blogger or a diary keeper, it is that you can look back and see where you were at a year ago or two years ago or 14 years ago and marvel at how much has changed. It gives you perspective. You scroll back to September 27th, 2005 and through reading your own words you are reminded that nothing lasts forever, joy or pain. As life moves forward in an upward spiral - never in a straight linear fashion - even if you are feeling joy again two years later, it is a totally evolved joy. I am not sure if this comforts me or sets me on edge. If nothing is guaranteed to last then that bodes well for things like this stupid cyst I have grown in between my eyes or my still-present confusion about a future occupation. But it also makes me look over to L sleeping beside me and wonder if in 2010 he will be the father of my first child or a huge hole in my heart that I am trying to heal?
There are no guarantees. Keeps you on your toes. Last year in September, a certain, small bliss was sprouting out of the shit of heartbreak. It was becoming apparant to me in the fall of last year that if HTSNBN really wasn't ever going to love me again that left my future in a wide open state of potential. The updside to being dumped was, for the first time, revealed to me while I visited my prairie home last year. My memory was that I was happy or at least on the road to becoming happy for the first time in 2006. It was a good period of my life.
This year, back in Saskatchewan yet again in time to see the leaves change, I am in love with a tornado of a man who is designing engagement rings for me and I have spent the last six months doing a performance contract, somthing I swore to do no more. My finances are in the best place they have ever been...you know that place, where you just buy something without having to stop and do math in your head before you hit the cash register. My health is excellent (besides this cyst in between my eyes which is more annoying than life threatening). I am about to start a contract that will teach me about myself, a potential career path and the benefits to jumping into the deep end without water wings. Other than having a clear vocation picked out for myself, many of my ducks are in a row. I am happy and in love and the shit of my heartbreak feels more like a whole lotta fertilizer.
But who can know where I am heading? And what does it matter? The future can only exist in my mind. All I have is this moment and the safety in knowing that even if it all falls apart...
it will eventually fall together again soon enough.
There are no guarantees. Keeps you on your toes. Last year in September, a certain, small bliss was sprouting out of the shit of heartbreak. It was becoming apparant to me in the fall of last year that if HTSNBN really wasn't ever going to love me again that left my future in a wide open state of potential. The updside to being dumped was, for the first time, revealed to me while I visited my prairie home last year. My memory was that I was happy or at least on the road to becoming happy for the first time in 2006. It was a good period of my life.
This year, back in Saskatchewan yet again in time to see the leaves change, I am in love with a tornado of a man who is designing engagement rings for me and I have spent the last six months doing a performance contract, somthing I swore to do no more. My finances are in the best place they have ever been...you know that place, where you just buy something without having to stop and do math in your head before you hit the cash register. My health is excellent (besides this cyst in between my eyes which is more annoying than life threatening). I am about to start a contract that will teach me about myself, a potential career path and the benefits to jumping into the deep end without water wings. Other than having a clear vocation picked out for myself, many of my ducks are in a row. I am happy and in love and the shit of my heartbreak feels more like a whole lotta fertilizer.
But who can know where I am heading? And what does it matter? The future can only exist in my mind. All I have is this moment and the safety in knowing that even if it all falls apart...
it will eventually fall together again soon enough.
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