Friday, September 07, 2007
Quack, Quack, Gulp.
God, I suck at confrontation.
I have no doubt that most people that know me would think that confrontation would be right up my alley. I am loud and confindent and extroverted and wildly opinionated. I even have a very articulate, cutting way with words that can be fueled by my deep seeded anger. Makes sense that I would welcome confrontation, unafraid and with fists of words a flyin'. Perhaps I would even be the kind of person to seek out confrontation. I get it. The equation adds up. But the truth is, I am a big ol' coward.
Or maybe I am just wiser. Either way, I clam up when confronted, paralyzed by the fear of the consequences should I say what I am really thinking. And if I feel like confrontation is coming my way, I flee the situation as quickly as possible. The couple of times I have been pushed into responding, my actions have caused chaos. Inexplicably, I seem to have a way to go right for the jugular when verbally sparring and hurting the other person in unforgivable ways. Responding when provoked has never made the situation anything but worse. So, instead, I freeze. Like a well muscled kid being prodding into a bar room brawl, but choosing to just stand there and turn the other cheek, I will not strike back. Yet I am not convinced that it is not always my most noble choice. Sometimes I think I am just plain scared. Sometimes I think it is just plain dishonest.
There are techniques I could use...speaking gently but firmly, stating exactly what I feel while looking the person straight in the eye without letting emotion take over. I know, I know. But it is never quite that easy. The kind of emotionally volatile people that adore confrontation are not subdued by gentle-yet-firm communication. Usually, they just interpret that as patronizing and it sets them off. Pure defensive tones bring them a playgroud of delight and rage just creates Academy Award winning scenes. Shutting them up by spouting the cutting-words-fueled-by-deep-seeding-anger can often do the trick, but not without creating even more destruction in the end. So, I am at a loss. I sit here tonight, writing this and am not sure how to feel or what to do to regain my power.
Suppose I should just get better at treating these things like H2O and work on having the back of a duck.
I have no doubt that most people that know me would think that confrontation would be right up my alley. I am loud and confindent and extroverted and wildly opinionated. I even have a very articulate, cutting way with words that can be fueled by my deep seeded anger. Makes sense that I would welcome confrontation, unafraid and with fists of words a flyin'. Perhaps I would even be the kind of person to seek out confrontation. I get it. The equation adds up. But the truth is, I am a big ol' coward.
Or maybe I am just wiser. Either way, I clam up when confronted, paralyzed by the fear of the consequences should I say what I am really thinking. And if I feel like confrontation is coming my way, I flee the situation as quickly as possible. The couple of times I have been pushed into responding, my actions have caused chaos. Inexplicably, I seem to have a way to go right for the jugular when verbally sparring and hurting the other person in unforgivable ways. Responding when provoked has never made the situation anything but worse. So, instead, I freeze. Like a well muscled kid being prodding into a bar room brawl, but choosing to just stand there and turn the other cheek, I will not strike back. Yet I am not convinced that it is not always my most noble choice. Sometimes I think I am just plain scared. Sometimes I think it is just plain dishonest.
There are techniques I could use...speaking gently but firmly, stating exactly what I feel while looking the person straight in the eye without letting emotion take over. I know, I know. But it is never quite that easy. The kind of emotionally volatile people that adore confrontation are not subdued by gentle-yet-firm communication. Usually, they just interpret that as patronizing and it sets them off. Pure defensive tones bring them a playgroud of delight and rage just creates Academy Award winning scenes. Shutting them up by spouting the cutting-words-fueled-by-deep-seeding-anger can often do the trick, but not without creating even more destruction in the end. So, I am at a loss. I sit here tonight, writing this and am not sure how to feel or what to do to regain my power.
Suppose I should just get better at treating these things like H2O and work on having the back of a duck.
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