Friday, July 06, 2007
The Afternoon That Smelled Like Celery
After all my bluster about how heinous this industry is and how this contract has just confirmed for me how this is not how I want to live my life or Who I Want To Be...I get handed a script and an audition time for the show here in January.
Like an automoton, I took the script and thanked them for the audition time. It didn't even occur to me in that moment to hand the script back and say 'no thank you, I would rather inject hot sand into my eyeballs than to do another contract'. In that moment it just felt so good to be wanted and, overcome with the 'they like me! they like me!' Ego, I simply smiled from ear to ear and felt all warm and gooey inside.
But then things started happening. I went to a party filled with theatre gossip and felt sick to my stomache. I found out a piece of information that made me question if I had been used and definitely made me question if my current employers think much of me at all. Etc, etc, etc. All the crappy crap that I fled from in Toronto, all the icky pooey stuff that my Anything Goes rehearsals reminded me of, allllllll of it, started rushing back and It made me stop and think. If I am unhappy doing theatre contracts then why am I auditioning for another one? Especially when it would take me from my Vancouver nest for another four months? Why am I doing the opposite of what I say?
My answers are sketchy at best. I am terrified of January 2008 coming around and becoming unemployed again with not only a hard go at finding a job, but not even knowing what KIND of job I am looking to do. I also want to do everything and anythnig possible to stay near to my boyfriend, who, too, is auditioning for the show. And because I want to be offered the role, to compete for it and GET IT because getting a role over another person gives my EGO such an instant feed that it makes me feel instantly, if only temporarily, worthy. All three of these excuses are pretty powerful motivators in and of themselves. Together they are flat out blinding.
Tonight Leon and I read over the scenes and had so much fun. THIS IS THE REASON TO DO THE AUDITION, I suddenly realized. For fun. For the joy of it. Without attachment to the outcome, without the fear that it I won't know what else to do, without panic about staying close to Leon, without a need to prove myself. If I audition, which I am not sure I will do, I must only do it for the fun and then if I get the show, I must only take it if it feels 100% wonderful. Otherwise, I really would rather be working retail or filing conveyancing files at a Real Estate office.
Not sure what I will decide. Either way, I will land on my feet.
Pretty sure I still got a few of those nine lives left.
Like an automoton, I took the script and thanked them for the audition time. It didn't even occur to me in that moment to hand the script back and say 'no thank you, I would rather inject hot sand into my eyeballs than to do another contract'. In that moment it just felt so good to be wanted and, overcome with the 'they like me! they like me!' Ego, I simply smiled from ear to ear and felt all warm and gooey inside.
But then things started happening. I went to a party filled with theatre gossip and felt sick to my stomache. I found out a piece of information that made me question if I had been used and definitely made me question if my current employers think much of me at all. Etc, etc, etc. All the crappy crap that I fled from in Toronto, all the icky pooey stuff that my Anything Goes rehearsals reminded me of, allllllll of it, started rushing back and It made me stop and think. If I am unhappy doing theatre contracts then why am I auditioning for another one? Especially when it would take me from my Vancouver nest for another four months? Why am I doing the opposite of what I say?
My answers are sketchy at best. I am terrified of January 2008 coming around and becoming unemployed again with not only a hard go at finding a job, but not even knowing what KIND of job I am looking to do. I also want to do everything and anythnig possible to stay near to my boyfriend, who, too, is auditioning for the show. And because I want to be offered the role, to compete for it and GET IT because getting a role over another person gives my EGO such an instant feed that it makes me feel instantly, if only temporarily, worthy. All three of these excuses are pretty powerful motivators in and of themselves. Together they are flat out blinding.
Tonight Leon and I read over the scenes and had so much fun. THIS IS THE REASON TO DO THE AUDITION, I suddenly realized. For fun. For the joy of it. Without attachment to the outcome, without the fear that it I won't know what else to do, without panic about staying close to Leon, without a need to prove myself. If I audition, which I am not sure I will do, I must only do it for the fun and then if I get the show, I must only take it if it feels 100% wonderful. Otherwise, I really would rather be working retail or filing conveyancing files at a Real Estate office.
Not sure what I will decide. Either way, I will land on my feet.
Pretty sure I still got a few of those nine lives left.
Labels: auditions, blog, choices, kj konkin, krista konkin, life lessons, thaetre
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