Saturday, June 02, 2007
Dear Abbey,
I am in some dire need of advice. I have met this guy and pretty much the moment I met him, I knew that I was going to fall wildly in love with him. He is currently my leading man in the show I am doing for the summer, my room mate and my very best friend - besides being my partner and lover. Our connection is rare and wonderful, we share a million things in common and ride on the same wave length. Our days are filled with laughter, passion, meaningful conversation and great sex. In fact, you could say he is everything I want in a long term mate. Except...
When I met him he smoked and drank. And I don't mean a kinda, sorta thing. I mean, he was a big time smoker and drinker. It was totally disappointing and yet, somehow, didn't diminish my attraction for him in the slightest. Still, when the chance arose for us to be together, they were hard habits for me to ignore and definitely not ones my heart could accept. Long story short is that after putting on the breaks early in the game, he quit smoking in a grand gesture to win me back and perhaps a little to save his own lungs. I even saw him cut down on the drinking. It was enough to sway me and I found myself back in his arms. There I have stayed for over a month, happily. Blissed out, in fact, most of the time.
But the diminished drinking habits didn't last very long. As rehearsals got more and more stressful and the energy at the theatre and at our house became more and more negative, he reverted to his normal amount of alcohol intake - an amount that far exceeded my comfort level. And it hasn't evened out and I don't think it will. It is, in his books, a very normal amount of beer to drink in a day, in a week, in a month and maybe most people would agree. It is hard for me to say because I am a non-drinker. But what I do know is that I am not comfortable with the signifigance that it plays into his - and now my - life.
The thing is, because he went the distance and quit smoking, I don't feel like I have the right to complain about his drinking. I have spoken to him about my concerns and luckily we are able to communicate extremely well, but at the end of the day if he has to keep restricting himself from the things he takes pleasure in then he will only feel like I am out to 'change' him and will eventually resent me. And if I truly love him, shouldn't then I love him for him and thus for all the beer he consumes?
It feels like an insurmoutable problem. If he has to radically reduce his drinking to a level I am comfortable with he will become resentful, secretive and feeling like he has compromised Who He Is. I feel like if I stuff down my discomfort and saddness about his drinking habits, then I will become resentful, disempowered and feeling like I have compromised Who I Am.
I don't want to say goodbye to this man. It will break my heart. But I want very much my life to be a drug free world filled with creative sobriety, especially in the man who is going to partner with me for life.
What do I do? Is there any way to find a win-win solution to this frustrating dilemma?
Signed,
Hoping For A Happy Ending
When I met him he smoked and drank. And I don't mean a kinda, sorta thing. I mean, he was a big time smoker and drinker. It was totally disappointing and yet, somehow, didn't diminish my attraction for him in the slightest. Still, when the chance arose for us to be together, they were hard habits for me to ignore and definitely not ones my heart could accept. Long story short is that after putting on the breaks early in the game, he quit smoking in a grand gesture to win me back and perhaps a little to save his own lungs. I even saw him cut down on the drinking. It was enough to sway me and I found myself back in his arms. There I have stayed for over a month, happily. Blissed out, in fact, most of the time.
But the diminished drinking habits didn't last very long. As rehearsals got more and more stressful and the energy at the theatre and at our house became more and more negative, he reverted to his normal amount of alcohol intake - an amount that far exceeded my comfort level. And it hasn't evened out and I don't think it will. It is, in his books, a very normal amount of beer to drink in a day, in a week, in a month and maybe most people would agree. It is hard for me to say because I am a non-drinker. But what I do know is that I am not comfortable with the signifigance that it plays into his - and now my - life.
The thing is, because he went the distance and quit smoking, I don't feel like I have the right to complain about his drinking. I have spoken to him about my concerns and luckily we are able to communicate extremely well, but at the end of the day if he has to keep restricting himself from the things he takes pleasure in then he will only feel like I am out to 'change' him and will eventually resent me. And if I truly love him, shouldn't then I love him for him and thus for all the beer he consumes?
It feels like an insurmoutable problem. If he has to radically reduce his drinking to a level I am comfortable with he will become resentful, secretive and feeling like he has compromised Who He Is. I feel like if I stuff down my discomfort and saddness about his drinking habits, then I will become resentful, disempowered and feeling like I have compromised Who I Am.
I don't want to say goodbye to this man. It will break my heart. But I want very much my life to be a drug free world filled with creative sobriety, especially in the man who is going to partner with me for life.
What do I do? Is there any way to find a win-win solution to this frustrating dilemma?
Signed,
Hoping For A Happy Ending
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