Monday, April 16, 2007
Nothing Easy About It
Jax and I have broken up.
I suppose it was my decision in the end, but like he said in his last email he has also made a 'narrow escape' from the chaos that is me. There aren't any clear cut reasons that I can outline all neatly inside of a paragraph except that my heart has taken a different shape since arriving here in Chemainus. A part of me that started to come back to life in Regina this past winter has bubbled up with a vengence and it seemed that one morning I woke up and it was very clear that Jax and I would make each other miserable in a big picture sense. As perfect as we were for each other in many ways, there was always a sense of staring at each other like we had just arrived on the other's planet. Especially in the way we communicated with each other. As it became increasingly difficult to feel safe going to him with the complexity of my feeling world, it became increasingly easy to go to the people here in this tiny town. That isn't to say that how he communicated was wrong, because he can be one of the most eloquent and articulate human beings I have ever met. It was about it being different. It was about having to work hard, really hard, to make the other understand, to get through, to be truly heard. But that is all I am going to say about that, because at the end of the day my biggest lesson here hasn't been what the deal breakers were or were not. The real lesson has been about trusting myself.
It isn't that easy a thing to do. I know I am not the only one who goes through the following: you take some quiet time to just be with your thoughts. For some of us that might be meditation, for some a hike, for some it could come while they spend time cuddling a baby. During that time in silence you begin to ponder many things...am I happy? What should I do about fill in the blank? What is behind the feeling of disconnect that I am having lately? And on and on. Now, sometimes in those moments the pondering just hovers in the land of questioning and no clarity arrives. But sometimes, when the silence is deep enough and all judgements about what the answer might be is let go, answers do arise. THIS isn't the difficult part, even though it can be a rare experience. The difficult part is believing, honouring and then acting on those answers.
The natural thing is to second guess why those are the answers. You admonish yourself for having this thought and critically explain to yourself that you are simply being selfish or afraid or repeating old, dysfunctional patterns. Or you immediately disregard whatever the answer is because it would require the bravery of CHANGING SOMETHING. For instance, you ask yourself 'do I enjoy this job I am currently doing?' and after brushing away the cobwebs that have gathered on your intuition you hear yourself answer a resounding 'no. I do not enjoy the job i am doing. i am only doing it for the money. if i had a trillion dollars i would not be doing this job'. If we trusted ourselves, we would stop doing that job. There would be no fear because we would know we would easily find another job AND it would be the one we loved. There would be no guilt because we would know that what our intution tells us is the wisest voice there is from which to take council. There would be no convincing ourselves that the only reason we had that answer is because we are commitment-phobes and always quit. The fact that we would be the kind of person that trusted ourselves would mean that we loved ourselves as well. And when we can truly love and trust ourselves, we have found the holy grail.
Well, I got quiet and asked some hard questions and now I am acting fully on what the voices of my intuition were telling me. Jax is a beautiful soul, but he is not the person I am supposed to spend forever beside. Right now, I am choosing to listen to that and to trust that. The trick will be to not beat myself up over the hurt that this decision may cause. Or to punish myself so much that I miss out on soaking up every wonderful second of this Chemainus chapter - which is bringing me so much happiness. Does he deserve someone who is sure of him? Yes, most definitely. Will I miss him? Of course I will. Is that a good enough reason to sustain a relationship long term? No, it is not.
Everything changes and on life goes. My heart still heals from last year and lets go of this new love and keeps trying to open open open to whatever it is that I might be allowed to learn from it all. Simple, but not easy. Nope.
Nothing Easy About It.
I suppose it was my decision in the end, but like he said in his last email he has also made a 'narrow escape' from the chaos that is me. There aren't any clear cut reasons that I can outline all neatly inside of a paragraph except that my heart has taken a different shape since arriving here in Chemainus. A part of me that started to come back to life in Regina this past winter has bubbled up with a vengence and it seemed that one morning I woke up and it was very clear that Jax and I would make each other miserable in a big picture sense. As perfect as we were for each other in many ways, there was always a sense of staring at each other like we had just arrived on the other's planet. Especially in the way we communicated with each other. As it became increasingly difficult to feel safe going to him with the complexity of my feeling world, it became increasingly easy to go to the people here in this tiny town. That isn't to say that how he communicated was wrong, because he can be one of the most eloquent and articulate human beings I have ever met. It was about it being different. It was about having to work hard, really hard, to make the other understand, to get through, to be truly heard. But that is all I am going to say about that, because at the end of the day my biggest lesson here hasn't been what the deal breakers were or were not. The real lesson has been about trusting myself.
It isn't that easy a thing to do. I know I am not the only one who goes through the following: you take some quiet time to just be with your thoughts. For some of us that might be meditation, for some a hike, for some it could come while they spend time cuddling a baby. During that time in silence you begin to ponder many things...am I happy? What should I do about fill in the blank? What is behind the feeling of disconnect that I am having lately? And on and on. Now, sometimes in those moments the pondering just hovers in the land of questioning and no clarity arrives. But sometimes, when the silence is deep enough and all judgements about what the answer might be is let go, answers do arise. THIS isn't the difficult part, even though it can be a rare experience. The difficult part is believing, honouring and then acting on those answers.
The natural thing is to second guess why those are the answers. You admonish yourself for having this thought and critically explain to yourself that you are simply being selfish or afraid or repeating old, dysfunctional patterns. Or you immediately disregard whatever the answer is because it would require the bravery of CHANGING SOMETHING. For instance, you ask yourself 'do I enjoy this job I am currently doing?' and after brushing away the cobwebs that have gathered on your intuition you hear yourself answer a resounding 'no. I do not enjoy the job i am doing. i am only doing it for the money. if i had a trillion dollars i would not be doing this job'. If we trusted ourselves, we would stop doing that job. There would be no fear because we would know we would easily find another job AND it would be the one we loved. There would be no guilt because we would know that what our intution tells us is the wisest voice there is from which to take council. There would be no convincing ourselves that the only reason we had that answer is because we are commitment-phobes and always quit. The fact that we would be the kind of person that trusted ourselves would mean that we loved ourselves as well. And when we can truly love and trust ourselves, we have found the holy grail.
Well, I got quiet and asked some hard questions and now I am acting fully on what the voices of my intuition were telling me. Jax is a beautiful soul, but he is not the person I am supposed to spend forever beside. Right now, I am choosing to listen to that and to trust that. The trick will be to not beat myself up over the hurt that this decision may cause. Or to punish myself so much that I miss out on soaking up every wonderful second of this Chemainus chapter - which is bringing me so much happiness. Does he deserve someone who is sure of him? Yes, most definitely. Will I miss him? Of course I will. Is that a good enough reason to sustain a relationship long term? No, it is not.
Everything changes and on life goes. My heart still heals from last year and lets go of this new love and keeps trying to open open open to whatever it is that I might be allowed to learn from it all. Simple, but not easy. Nope.
Nothing Easy About It.
Labels: blog, breaking up, intuition, kj konkin, krista konkin, letting go, trust
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