Monday, April 09, 2007
Metamorphose
The day I knew that I could no longer be Aidan's partner came upon me both slowly and suddenly.
Over the years we were together, I was always clear that I wanted to be with him. I was just as clear when I suddenly knew with total certainty that our partnership had run its course. I knew it completely and totally and was at peace with the knowing. My only saddness came from knowing how this would inevitably hurt him. That was the only thing that kept me hanging on waiting for a possible shift in my feelings --- I mean, how do you hurt someone you love? You can tell yourself all the bullshit about how you will hurt them more in the big picture if you stay with them because you are keeping them from meeting someone who will be better suited. Or even that one's only responsibility is to be honest. Those things might be true, but let's be clear here people - hurting someone you love is never going to feel good.
When I finally told him, it was horrific. We took a walk around Wascana Park and he asked me to stay. He fought for our future as these monstrous thunder clouds decended. But I was resolved. I wanted to be on my own so acutely that even his tears did not sway me. So, when it started to rain, he gave up and allowed himself to break. It wasn't about doubting my choice - I knew in my gut that it was time. It was having to stand back and observe the person I had once shielded from pain, writhing in an agony that only I could serve him. The guilt and shame from that break up (and others before that) have plagued me. Some might call the guilt and shame deserved retribution. Some might even have said Jordan was karma for all that I had undone previously. But I am coming to believe that it is all just learning. Just learning.
Major shifts are happening in my heart. I haven't blogged about them much because they are very gray and barely shaded in, but there they are. I have looked at the evidence and not been sure if I should trust myself to strike a verdict. Aren't there blurry lines between listening to your intuition telling you you need to make certain choices and simply stinky old patterns knocking at the door, begging to be repeated? Yes, very blurry indeed. But one thing I have learned is that to not trust myself is the most painful thing of all. So, I am trying to hear what my heart is telling me, even if it isn't what I (or anyone else) wants to hear.
I am just afraid that I might hurt someone. My compassion, after last year, runs deep for those of us who must experience heartbreak. Through all my tears last year I swore that I would never DO to someone what HE had done to me. Ah, the foolish things we promise when we can hardly breathe! Now I know Jordan loved me and probably still loves me, but did what we all must do...he put his truth ahead of pleasing someone else.
Heavy. I feel heavy. But strong. Sad -- and yet as I tap and sing and begin rehearsals for Anything Goes, I am very happy. A bit puzzled, but trusting and trying to take the reigns away from guilt and shame. None of it is easy, this metamorphose, but as we all know, change is the only thing that is constant.
Stupid thing is that I always thought that it would all get much easier when I turned 30.
Over the years we were together, I was always clear that I wanted to be with him. I was just as clear when I suddenly knew with total certainty that our partnership had run its course. I knew it completely and totally and was at peace with the knowing. My only saddness came from knowing how this would inevitably hurt him. That was the only thing that kept me hanging on waiting for a possible shift in my feelings --- I mean, how do you hurt someone you love? You can tell yourself all the bullshit about how you will hurt them more in the big picture if you stay with them because you are keeping them from meeting someone who will be better suited. Or even that one's only responsibility is to be honest. Those things might be true, but let's be clear here people - hurting someone you love is never going to feel good.
When I finally told him, it was horrific. We took a walk around Wascana Park and he asked me to stay. He fought for our future as these monstrous thunder clouds decended. But I was resolved. I wanted to be on my own so acutely that even his tears did not sway me. So, when it started to rain, he gave up and allowed himself to break. It wasn't about doubting my choice - I knew in my gut that it was time. It was having to stand back and observe the person I had once shielded from pain, writhing in an agony that only I could serve him. The guilt and shame from that break up (and others before that) have plagued me. Some might call the guilt and shame deserved retribution. Some might even have said Jordan was karma for all that I had undone previously. But I am coming to believe that it is all just learning. Just learning.
Major shifts are happening in my heart. I haven't blogged about them much because they are very gray and barely shaded in, but there they are. I have looked at the evidence and not been sure if I should trust myself to strike a verdict. Aren't there blurry lines between listening to your intuition telling you you need to make certain choices and simply stinky old patterns knocking at the door, begging to be repeated? Yes, very blurry indeed. But one thing I have learned is that to not trust myself is the most painful thing of all. So, I am trying to hear what my heart is telling me, even if it isn't what I (or anyone else) wants to hear.
I am just afraid that I might hurt someone. My compassion, after last year, runs deep for those of us who must experience heartbreak. Through all my tears last year I swore that I would never DO to someone what HE had done to me. Ah, the foolish things we promise when we can hardly breathe! Now I know Jordan loved me and probably still loves me, but did what we all must do...he put his truth ahead of pleasing someone else.
Heavy. I feel heavy. But strong. Sad -- and yet as I tap and sing and begin rehearsals for Anything Goes, I am very happy. A bit puzzled, but trusting and trying to take the reigns away from guilt and shame. None of it is easy, this metamorphose, but as we all know, change is the only thing that is constant.
Stupid thing is that I always thought that it would all get much easier when I turned 30.
« Blog Home