Monday, April 30, 2007
Compunctious
Sorry for my tempertantrum earlier. It was sort of uncalled for and over the top. Rehearsals have been ... well ... challenging and the entire lot of us are exhausted and cranky. I have been acting like a petulant child lately and it has been reminding me why back in 2003 I left theatre for my Finding Me hiatus. This industry is filled with negativity and, try as I might, I get sucked into its pit of bitchiness. I wish I could be stronger, rise above it and always find the positive, always stay positive.
Funny thing is, I have been trying and It has been working a lot of the time. Recently, there have been plenty of times that I have not involved myself in some negative, catty discussion simply because I was too busy being happy about The Boy. As any of us in the first throes of passion know, an exciting, intense connection with someone can be an amazing armour. This is how I have felt about a lot of the more 'challenging' days lately...like He and I have sailed on through them in a state of bliss.
But like my last post stated, much has been thrown in our paths to wear us down. Even our bliss has been deemed non-professional! So, yes, unfortunately, I have allowed it all to wear me down. Now that much of my joy just feels like it, too, is unacceptable and my angry, pissy moods leave me with less self-respect, I am left not knowing how to feel or act in my own life. Like I am seriously uncomfortable in my own skin. Is there a way out of feeling this way? As I type this, I have no ideas...not yet. I certainly hope there is, because I don't like myself and my reactive ego-based choices lately. As angry as I was in my last post, tonight I am simply sad. Sad to think that perhaps I was correct four years ago when I concluded that theatre and I just don't make a functional, happy, balanced couple.
Regardless, no punching anyone in the face. Sorry again for going all Mike Tyson on ya there.
We'll try for something much less violent for May, okay?
Funny thing is, I have been trying and It has been working a lot of the time. Recently, there have been plenty of times that I have not involved myself in some negative, catty discussion simply because I was too busy being happy about The Boy. As any of us in the first throes of passion know, an exciting, intense connection with someone can be an amazing armour. This is how I have felt about a lot of the more 'challenging' days lately...like He and I have sailed on through them in a state of bliss.
But like my last post stated, much has been thrown in our paths to wear us down. Even our bliss has been deemed non-professional! So, yes, unfortunately, I have allowed it all to wear me down. Now that much of my joy just feels like it, too, is unacceptable and my angry, pissy moods leave me with less self-respect, I am left not knowing how to feel or act in my own life. Like I am seriously uncomfortable in my own skin. Is there a way out of feeling this way? As I type this, I have no ideas...not yet. I certainly hope there is, because I don't like myself and my reactive ego-based choices lately. As angry as I was in my last post, tonight I am simply sad. Sad to think that perhaps I was correct four years ago when I concluded that theatre and I just don't make a functional, happy, balanced couple.
Regardless, no punching anyone in the face. Sorry again for going all Mike Tyson on ya there.
We'll try for something much less violent for May, okay?
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