The Lady Doth Protest Too Much

I did not say I loved him on impulse. I sat on the bathroom floor of a London Hostel, back against the warm radiator and let his words sit inside of me for awhile. There was resistance. There was avoidance. But when I stood in Belfast in the rain and the fucking payphone wouldn't work and I finally got him on the other line and I could feel the crackling, white noise of our distance I knew I felt it, too, and yet still I did not say the words. Couldn't bear to think they would be fed into a broken down receiver that smelled like stale smoke. It wasn't until I was home and even then I had to press my face firmly against his neck before It came out. There was no rational sense to make of it, it was based on no solid evidence or fact. It was deliberate oh so deliberate. An act of bravery to believe in something that had such baby wings.

The costs are high having this website. I think I started it with the best of intentions, but I am pretty sure that most everyone thinks that it is an attention whore's way of steeping herself in self-indulgent bullshit. Wow. I am swearing a lot. Just wondering if it is all worth it. Not sure I like that this site gives others to right to tell me what to do and how they think I should or should not live my life. And If I can't take the heat then I suppose I should get out of the fire.

An end to kjkonkin.com?

Perhaps the necessary next step in this process of healing.