Give and Take

It is said that you find happiness in giving. It is said that you find whatever it is you are looking for by giving away that which you seek. You want your partner to pay more attention to you? Pay more attention to them. Pay more attention to yourself and those around you. You want your parents to not be so critical and tell you that they are proud of you no matter what? Praise anyone and everyone that you bump into and pat yourself on the back for even the tiniest things that you do 'right'. You want career success? Help someone younger and less experienced than you to excel on their career path.

This all makes perfect sense. So why is it so hard to do?

I want peace, so I must be peaceful. I want to have fun above all in this contract, so I must be a fun person and find fun in anything and everything that presents itself. I want to make sure that my partnership does not tarnish from the sting of this separation so I must stay as close to my own heart as possible.

I have had a good couple of days. We do our first dress rehearsal tomorrow and I think that I am at least on the right track now with this Kay character. Soon, so soon, we will be up and running and starting rehearsals for Anything Goes and March will be over. I want to soak in the Now and not let it all pass too fast. It is easy to resist my Now...especially when I have a weird conversation with my boyfriend that leaves me feeling disconnected or when I feel overwhelmed with the show and would prefer to just run away.

But I am wiser at 30 than I ever was at 20. I know that ALL OF IT, the good stuff and the bad stuff, is part of an amazing chapter that I will, one day, think back fondly on and miss. Even the bad stuff. I know this. When I was in Toronto and too poor to pay my exorbitant hydro bill and Aidan and I had to boil water on the stove to pour into the bathtub in order to bath with something other than cold water --- well, I never thought that I would ever miss that. But, you know what? I do, sometimes. I think back on us running naked from tub to kitchen to snatch the next boiling pot from the stove and I smile from ear to ear. That is the stuff of juicy movie plots and hilariously real TV shows. Even better, that is the stuff of life.

So, I sit here, thankful for everything. Here, right now, as I type this way too late at night and listen to Leon watching the news in the living room next door and Sylvie in her bedroom forever on her cell phone and Jax a zillion miles away and my hair a slightly too-blonde color and my ankles still thick and my closet-less bedroom my newest sanctuary - I am content with What Is. Even the parts that aren't ideal are okay because they are Right Now and Right Now can never and will never ever ever be again.

And because Right Now is pretty freaking fantastic.

This is what I have to give tonight.