Finale

Tomorrow I will be home. So, I guess this is it. I guess after all this, the adventure is done. My chest is heavy with emotion.

I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve about seeing Jax. Despite my attempt at the independent I'm-my-own-woman-and-I-will-take-a-walk-on-the-beach-with-Phillipe-if-I-like charade, I have fallen head over heels in love and with every second closer I come to my arrival I realize how deeply I miss him.

I feel empowered from the trip. After everything these past eight weeks have thrown at me, I have come out on top and now feel renewed to the post-Jordan Krista - the girl who could do anything. Now, I am KJ. I have grown back my spine and remembered why I used to like my own company. I like me! After Jo left I thought I would never feel that way again, but I do. I have stood at the top of the Eifle Tower in the middle of a Paris winter after sleeping in a hotel room that had no heat and lived to the tell the story.

I feel sad to be leaving. But I always do feel a little sad as I watch a chapter in my life close. The Atkinson's have been so kind to us and made me feel like I am already part of the family. Plus, with oceans between me and my home, I don't have to worry about paying bills and subletting my apartment and losing weight and unpacking my bags and settling into yet another new home. Here, I can hide and I have always enjoyed hiding.

I feel blessed to have my life. I work in the Arts industry and am still able to have a fabulous flat in Vancouver (the prettiest city in Canada), a great car and fabulous (or at least eventful) trips to Europe. I am about to start a well paying performing contract with a friendly and successful theatre company on my favorite Island in the world. I have a close group of friends that I ache to sit and catch up with and my family is safe and sound and has seemingly just expanded to include all these funny, smart British folk. I am healthy, my heart is strong again and I have an unconditionally loving MacBook waiting for me when I get home. I have been given another chance at love - a life-altering love, a non-confused, totally magical miracle love. Best of all, I feel like I have fallen back in love with myself and my life. That is by far the biggest blessing.

I feel fear. Well, sure I do. I am human and am still run by my ego too much of the time. This leaves me panicking sometimes wondering if 'the other shoe will drop'. But I am learning ways to not choose the fear. I feel it, refuse to feed it and release it as soon as I am able. I even still feel restentment or hurt or anger or frustration about issues I totally wish I could heal, but haven't quite yet.

I feel happy to finally stop lugging around that stupid backpack, that I will soon wear something other than my cranberry zip-up sweater, that I am returning to a country where I will be able to easily flush a toliet without having to pump the handle several times and pray to god it flushes, to go completely off dairy and wheat for awhile, to get to work on my new scripts and roles, that I get to have sex again soon, that I am being granted 18 days of Jax bliss and that In that 18 days I will get to play with all our photos and create new photo galleries, Konkin Questions and KJ's Finds. I might even figure out a way to update my homepage.

I feel exhausted.

I feel jubilant.

I feel satisfied.

Yep.

I am a feeler.

And I am comin' home tomorrow.

Oh Canada:-)