Thursday, December 07, 2006
Me, Teetering
It seems there are these really great things - almost - happening to me. I mean, they ARE happening or starting to happen or on the brink of happening, but none of these things have any 'ink on paper' so to speak and so I am trying not to count any chickens before they are hatched. Sorry, to speak in cliches, but I am purposely trying to be vague, in protection of all that might be, could be and is currently becoming.
Me, teetering.
It is an exciting feeling. And I feel it. In my body, physically, the feeling of potential. Then, my human ego kicks in and that wonderful feeling is followed by fear. Fear that I am creating expectation that will inevitably disappoint me. How can I enjoy all the wonderful, happinesses that are unfolding before me without becoming attached to any specific outcomes??! That is the question. How can I remain excited and optimistic, but know that if the teetering results in a falling toward the side where I don't get the thing I desire, I will still be happy? Happy because within a few more breaths there will be teetering once again with, at some point, agreeable results. How to be This Person? That is my goal.
Have manifested parties and plans and outings and fun to alleviate my holiday loneliness so I am feeling a little less blue in that regard. And right now, I type this instead of serving, because I have been given two 'freebie' nights off of 'the floor' as we call it at Applause. I will make no tips tonight, but I will also ONLY have to do the show. YIPPPPEEEEE! Feels like a delectable indulgence. That being said, I must wrap up this blog and get my ass to the theatre.
Send me good teetering energy. The minute there is anything I know for sure, I will tell you. I promise. Until then, forget I said anything about any of it so that you don't wonder what it is I might be talking about. (That is like telling people not to think about a Pink Elephant. See! Betcha just envisioned a pink elephant. ) Ok, forget about forgetting...just know that I am well and on the brink of some pretty great stuff.
Going outside right now to scrape my windows in -25 degree weather NOT being one of them.
Me, teetering.
It is an exciting feeling. And I feel it. In my body, physically, the feeling of potential. Then, my human ego kicks in and that wonderful feeling is followed by fear. Fear that I am creating expectation that will inevitably disappoint me. How can I enjoy all the wonderful, happinesses that are unfolding before me without becoming attached to any specific outcomes??! That is the question. How can I remain excited and optimistic, but know that if the teetering results in a falling toward the side where I don't get the thing I desire, I will still be happy? Happy because within a few more breaths there will be teetering once again with, at some point, agreeable results. How to be This Person? That is my goal.
Have manifested parties and plans and outings and fun to alleviate my holiday loneliness so I am feeling a little less blue in that regard. And right now, I type this instead of serving, because I have been given two 'freebie' nights off of 'the floor' as we call it at Applause. I will make no tips tonight, but I will also ONLY have to do the show. YIPPPPEEEEE! Feels like a delectable indulgence. That being said, I must wrap up this blog and get my ass to the theatre.
Send me good teetering energy. The minute there is anything I know for sure, I will tell you. I promise. Until then, forget I said anything about any of it so that you don't wonder what it is I might be talking about. (That is like telling people not to think about a Pink Elephant. See! Betcha just envisioned a pink elephant. ) Ok, forget about forgetting...just know that I am well and on the brink of some pretty great stuff.
Going outside right now to scrape my windows in -25 degree weather NOT being one of them.
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