Madly, In Circles

How have I ended up here...in my childhood bedroom reviewing material for an audition, worrying about vocal fatigue and preparing to take a hot bath to sooth my achy hamstrings?? Have I gone in a complete circle or merely discovered that it was never WHAT I was doing, but how I was doing it?

My days off from the show have been well needed. I think this week's run will go fast, just as life seems to be going. In a matter of moments it will be Christmas and moments after that I will be standing in front of the Mona Lisa. Seems I have found my 'thing' or 'things' and it seems that there is plenty to keep me distracted...so why do I still feel sometimes like I would give it all up in a second for a minute inside the arms of a soul mate?? I am trying to act like a man, but it seems my female-ness keeps pushing to the surface.

I drank hot chocolate today with a taken man and considered having an affair. I know two women right now who are having affairs with married men. Sigh. That is not Who I Want To Be. I want to enjoy my time single and rest easy in my unwaivering faith that Big Love is on its way to me right now. I remember a time when I LOVED being single. I want to blame the disappearance of that independent me on HTSNBN. Ooooooo, there is still so much of me that would like to curse him to a life of unending lonliness and suffering for killing that magical part of my heart that used to believe without effort. Ah, but I know there are no victims and that it was I, in the end, who allowed the murder of that magic. Grrrr.

Well, should run a tub and de-stress about the audition. I left theatre because I had stopped having fun and I refuse to go back in any way, shape or form if I feel it becoming too much like stress and not enough like play. So, screw being perfect or getting cast or being accepted or even FINDING SOMEONE TO LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART. Even with no man, no job, no role, no friends and tight hamstrings, my life is blessed. And I DO have a cool job and this won't be last role I ever get and my friends are plentiful and supportive and hamstrings can always be stretched.

As for that Man part...

welllll...I'll get back to you on that one.