Thursday, November 16, 2006
Dr. Phil, step aside
This was an email I sent this morning to the man I talked about in my last post. Seems instead of having an affair, I am attempting to help him and his partner, who I do believe he loves, to figure out their unhappiness. I do this because, no matter how lonley I am or wether or not I am attracted to this man, this is The Person I Want To Be. And because I so long to restore my faith that romantic relationships are not all doomed. Please note that I was asked for this advice, it was not unsolicited. Anyway, read on if you would like to observe me trying to be Dr. Phil.
Dear ________,
the irony of being asked relationship advice when i am 30 and NOT in one has not been lost on me. i do feel for you and _____, though, as i know how it feels to be a couple on the brink watching their relationship drown, the water wings just out of reach.
as for me sitting down with you guys, i don't know if that would be the very best choice and i will tell you why. i am a bias party because it is YOU, _______, who I know and love and although i think _______ is a pretty great woman, my connection to you undoubtedly sways my perspectives.
that being said, i will send along a few of my thoughts and suggestions based on any 'wisdom' i may have acquired in the last 30 years.
#1. You both want to get very clear about what you NEED from the relationship. This should be done separately, in your own time, and best if written down. Then you come together and share the lists one at a time....not interrupting or defending or rolling eyes or sighing or huffing or ANYTHING while the other person reads their lists. It is important to acknowledge that what your partner needs may seems ridiculous to you, but if you love them you had better start to acknowledge its significance or you are doomed.
#2. Once those lists have been read, you start to calmly explore how you might be able to facilitate meeting each other's needs or - even better - how you might support each other in meeting YOUR OWN needs. We all often think it is everybody else's responsibility to help us feel a certain way - loved, wanted, sexy, respected. The truly free person doesn't rest the outcome of their mood or feelings on the actions of another person. This is a key fact, a little harder to live than to type.:-)
#3. I have often heard it said that if a relationship is going through dark days, it is not a result of the relationship's unhappiness, but of the unhappiness of the individuals. So, I urge both of you to start spending some time with yourselves and figuring out what makes you REALLY happy. What empowers you? What do you perceive to have 'given up' for the relationship and in what realistic ways could you get some or all of that back? How would you be living your life if you were single? What is stopping you from living that life now, even inside of your partnership?
#4. My last thing is this - in my spiritual philosophy we believe that our thoughts create our realities. Law of Attraction. You will manifest what you are thinking and feeling about - soooooo - when a couple starts having issues and all they can think about are those issues, guess what they get? Yep, more issues. Even in the darkest days, try to make another list for each other - an appreciation list. You both need to hear OFTEN AND ALOT all the things that you love about each other, all the things that attracted you to each other in the first place, all the things that you will miss about each other if you allow this relationship to drown. Make the list specific. Try not to go to - "You're beautiful" but instead describe the way you ache for her when she has emerged from the shower smelling of that coconut body scrub. Or instead of "You're handy around the house" you might pinpoint the way your heart swells when you watch him using his own two hands to build your home.
If you don't do anything else, do #4. Positive gratitude is energetically POWERFUL. They have even proved it scientifically. Oh, and if you can't think of anything to be grateful for in your partner - then basically, GET OUT NOW.
Good for you two for working on it. I know you love each other and, take it from someone with a heart full of love and no specific soul mate to share it with, you are so blessed. You are blessed to have someone to 'work on things with'. You are blessed to have relationship issues. You are blessed. You are lucky. Know this.
Well, that's my two cents, for what it is worth.
Hugs,
KJ
Dear ________,
the irony of being asked relationship advice when i am 30 and NOT in one has not been lost on me. i do feel for you and _____, though, as i know how it feels to be a couple on the brink watching their relationship drown, the water wings just out of reach.
as for me sitting down with you guys, i don't know if that would be the very best choice and i will tell you why. i am a bias party because it is YOU, _______, who I know and love and although i think _______ is a pretty great woman, my connection to you undoubtedly sways my perspectives.
that being said, i will send along a few of my thoughts and suggestions based on any 'wisdom' i may have acquired in the last 30 years.
#1. You both want to get very clear about what you NEED from the relationship. This should be done separately, in your own time, and best if written down. Then you come together and share the lists one at a time....not interrupting or defending or rolling eyes or sighing or huffing or ANYTHING while the other person reads their lists. It is important to acknowledge that what your partner needs may seems ridiculous to you, but if you love them you had better start to acknowledge its significance or you are doomed.
#2. Once those lists have been read, you start to calmly explore how you might be able to facilitate meeting each other's needs or - even better - how you might support each other in meeting YOUR OWN needs. We all often think it is everybody else's responsibility to help us feel a certain way - loved, wanted, sexy, respected. The truly free person doesn't rest the outcome of their mood or feelings on the actions of another person. This is a key fact, a little harder to live than to type.:-)
#3. I have often heard it said that if a relationship is going through dark days, it is not a result of the relationship's unhappiness, but of the unhappiness of the individuals. So, I urge both of you to start spending some time with yourselves and figuring out what makes you REALLY happy. What empowers you? What do you perceive to have 'given up' for the relationship and in what realistic ways could you get some or all of that back? How would you be living your life if you were single? What is stopping you from living that life now, even inside of your partnership?
#4. My last thing is this - in my spiritual philosophy we believe that our thoughts create our realities. Law of Attraction. You will manifest what you are thinking and feeling about - soooooo - when a couple starts having issues and all they can think about are those issues, guess what they get? Yep, more issues. Even in the darkest days, try to make another list for each other - an appreciation list. You both need to hear OFTEN AND ALOT all the things that you love about each other, all the things that attracted you to each other in the first place, all the things that you will miss about each other if you allow this relationship to drown. Make the list specific. Try not to go to - "You're beautiful" but instead describe the way you ache for her when she has emerged from the shower smelling of that coconut body scrub. Or instead of "You're handy around the house" you might pinpoint the way your heart swells when you watch him using his own two hands to build your home.
If you don't do anything else, do #4. Positive gratitude is energetically POWERFUL. They have even proved it scientifically. Oh, and if you can't think of anything to be grateful for in your partner - then basically, GET OUT NOW.
Good for you two for working on it. I know you love each other and, take it from someone with a heart full of love and no specific soul mate to share it with, you are so blessed. You are blessed to have someone to 'work on things with'. You are blessed to have relationship issues. You are blessed. You are lucky. Know this.
Well, that's my two cents, for what it is worth.
Hugs,
KJ
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