Chemistry Shemistry

Sitting here wondering...can one grow to be attracted to someone? Or is chemistry just there or not? Black or white?

Why couldn't I just choose a partner based on all the other stuff - personality, how well we laugh together, what a great dad he would be, how well he treats me, his sense of loyalty, our common interests? Why does it matter if I don't want to get naked with the guy? Couldn't I just train myself to want to get naked with him? Wouldn't I just start to want to get naked with him after spending a whole bunch of time with his fabulous personality?

It can't be that I am totally shallow. Some of the men that I have loved were not magazine model good looking. Some were. But all of them captured me in some way. All of them attracted me in some way. It is an undefinable thing isn't it? Sexual Attraction? Or is it?

I know men that would make great partners for me. I care a lot about these men and believe that I could have a very safe and content life with these men. I want to love these men. I want to want these men. But...

Ah, gee. Sometimes I wish I were a mail order bride or part of an arranged marriage where it was all figured out for me. Sometimes I feel like a shallow jerk and then, sometimes, I just think I need to be a little more patient because there is no reason I can't have it all - the sexual attraction AND the incredible, funny, loyal, father and partner material guy - all rolled into one.

And as a back up plan, Brent David and I have agreed that if when I am 40 and he is 35, we are still single, we are just going to relax and marry each other.

I'm holdin' ya to it, BD, I'm holdin' ya to it.