Oh, Those Wise Campbells

My friend Martine's brother is going through a divorce. In the rebuilding of his life, he has come up with a mantra which he is using to guide himself. "Be the flame, not the moth." When Marty told me this, I immediately resonated. It occurs to me that by my 'wanting to be more like a man' I have really just stated to the universe that I am deciding to become, once again, the flame I always was and must let go of the moth-like mentality that I had started to use.

With this in mind, I pack and I plan and I take moments to reflect and even set aside a few minutes for tears and panic. Yet, I know that I am doing what is right for me. This being 30 thing is quite the ride.

Alot of emotionally challenging stuff has been unfolding in the last few days. I know, I know, when doesn't it in my life? I have received hurtful emails from someone I thought respected me and been asked again - like in the Cynthia times - to walk away from anyone who belittles me. Thank God I am back in The Knowing that I am a fantastic, worthy human who deserves to be treated with kindness. But it has been hard. Anytime someone calls you a name or throws out a criticism that sounds like one of those depricating core beliefs that you hold about yourself - it is hard not to sink into "see, I KNEW that was true!". For me, it is always about me being manipulative, controlling and bossy. Somewhere along the line growing up I started to actually believe that these attributes were the TRUTH of who I was. Which has caused me to dislike myself. Now, I know that even though I sometimes -- though alot less often -- choose to manipulate, boss or control, these are not Who I Am. And, being conscious, I can usually catch myself using these tactics and see that underneath them is just my 4 year old self terrified of being left or unloved. I forgive myself my weaknesses, hope to make stronger choices the next time and refuse to allow anyone else to bombard my mind with their negative opinions of me.

Then there has been the hanging out alot with HTSNBN. This has been almost entirely positive, but because it is so positive, it presents danger to my heart. I can not help but see how miraculous our connection is, how stunningly well our lives fit together, how ALIKE we truly are. Why did I waste so much time in the relationship focusing on how different we were? Truly, the man is a soul mate on so many levels. All of this makes it difficult for me to move on which I know I still need to do. Because of this, I celebrate the soon-to-be distance. I am not completely over him --- maybe 20% left to go? --- and this next 2/4/6/12 months away may be what is needed to seal the deal and help me finally fall out of love.

Or who knows...maybe there is still a chance that I will wake up one day to find him standing on my front step in the pouring rain weeping, wanting to try again and I will not have to fall out of love and I will have a good reason to come Home.

Or who knows... maybe during my adventures I will meet the guy who is ready and willing to take my whole heart with passion and honour and this new love will make sense out of what has been a crazy year.

Not that I need to worry about any of that...I just need to be the flame...let the moth take care of itself...

With a new vibrator in my suitcase and oceans to cross, this shouldn't be as hard as it sounds.

Burn baby burn.