Monday, September 25, 2006
Sukanen
Just outside of Moose Jaw there is a ship. It sits strangely in the middle of a big, open, flat prairie field - awkward and beautiful. A man named Tom Sukanen built it back in the 30's when most people around those parts could hardly find enough to eat. It was Sukanen's Field of Dreams so to speak and the ship - never sailed - remains, in its enormity, a beakon of hope. Or at least that is how I see it.
I can not explain exactly why I feel like a Tom Sukanen. I have not built anything besides a website that houses my confusion. But there is something about a man that lives in the middle of acres of land and decides to build a ship that resonates with my soul. There is something about that kind of Lost Dreaming amounting to what most would call a Complete Failure that touches me. Wandering around my life, car hopping from city to city, building a ship that I am not sure I will ever sail and knowing that I am criticized - if only by my Self - I acknowledge and understand Sukanen. Just outside of Moose Jaw there is a ship. It doesn't fit in, it has no obvious purpose and in some ways looks downright foolish. But I love that ship. That ship is me.
I don't want to come home, but I can't stay here. Leanne suggested we take a trip around the world in the new year. We figure we could do it for about $10,000. We would take three (?) months and hit Central Europe, UK, South Africa, South East Asia and South America. She would use her money from the divorce and I would use my Visa. This weekend we planned the itinerary and started researching. Both of us, ships in wheat, are looking for ways to avoid our quiet one bedroom apartments. Perhaps we are also celebrating the freedom that comes from not having anyone or anything to be responsible for. The only thing that I must be careful of is the reality that will still be waiting for me when the trip is done and my Visa is maxed out. Like a drug, like a high, I would have to come down sometime.
Side Note: Finally saw The Last Kiss which was featured on my Finds last month. It was good. It was about becoming 30 and panicking. It was about jealousy and love and trying and heart break and doing whatever it takes. Worth seeing if you have ever turned 30, had your heart broken or lusted after Zach Braff.
Tomorrow I am getting my car fixed. The sun is out today - hot and heavy - and I am no longer cold. Wednesday I go to Saskatoon to research schools and visit friends. Monday I will head to Edmonton and see SJ in her show at the Mayfair. Eventually, though, I need to get back. There are bills to pay and plants to water and income to create and an empty one bedroom apartment to embrace. The 'thing' eludes me. Writing off men is a noble exercise, but difficult when they smell so damn good. Ah, me. Am I building a ship that will never sail?
Or am I merely paddling around in a rented canoe?
I can not explain exactly why I feel like a Tom Sukanen. I have not built anything besides a website that houses my confusion. But there is something about a man that lives in the middle of acres of land and decides to build a ship that resonates with my soul. There is something about that kind of Lost Dreaming amounting to what most would call a Complete Failure that touches me. Wandering around my life, car hopping from city to city, building a ship that I am not sure I will ever sail and knowing that I am criticized - if only by my Self - I acknowledge and understand Sukanen. Just outside of Moose Jaw there is a ship. It doesn't fit in, it has no obvious purpose and in some ways looks downright foolish. But I love that ship. That ship is me.
I don't want to come home, but I can't stay here. Leanne suggested we take a trip around the world in the new year. We figure we could do it for about $10,000. We would take three (?) months and hit Central Europe, UK, South Africa, South East Asia and South America. She would use her money from the divorce and I would use my Visa. This weekend we planned the itinerary and started researching. Both of us, ships in wheat, are looking for ways to avoid our quiet one bedroom apartments. Perhaps we are also celebrating the freedom that comes from not having anyone or anything to be responsible for. The only thing that I must be careful of is the reality that will still be waiting for me when the trip is done and my Visa is maxed out. Like a drug, like a high, I would have to come down sometime.
Side Note: Finally saw The Last Kiss which was featured on my Finds last month. It was good. It was about becoming 30 and panicking. It was about jealousy and love and trying and heart break and doing whatever it takes. Worth seeing if you have ever turned 30, had your heart broken or lusted after Zach Braff.
Tomorrow I am getting my car fixed. The sun is out today - hot and heavy - and I am no longer cold. Wednesday I go to Saskatoon to research schools and visit friends. Monday I will head to Edmonton and see SJ in her show at the Mayfair. Eventually, though, I need to get back. There are bills to pay and plants to water and income to create and an empty one bedroom apartment to embrace. The 'thing' eludes me. Writing off men is a noble exercise, but difficult when they smell so damn good. Ah, me. Am I building a ship that will never sail?
Or am I merely paddling around in a rented canoe?
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