Thursday, August 24, 2006
Quickly
I am speed-blogging as I speed outta here and get ready for what will be the Final Supper with Ptarmigan and Haven of Hope staff. A couple of things on my mind that I wanna get out there so that I don't have to carry them with me to dinner...
I have reread my previous blog and want to say that It was written with much emotion and is not addressed to any one person...mostly, it was a reaction to having the softest most vulnerable place in my heart touched by having to say goodbye to Jennie. You see, when it comes to men leaving, like Jordan, I hurt, but I guess I am not as knocked over backwards by it. When my best friend who has always made me feel so unconditionally loved is packing to move across the country, it hurts on a whole different level. Jen and I have talked about it and we both agree that I have to look closely as to why I attribute her leaving Vancouver with her leaving me. I can only make excuses and say that it is me in overload - Jennie leaving so soon after Jordan leaving - that is causing me to have such erratic and intense saddness and anger and panic. I gotta look at all these things...which is why I blog because it puts my neuroses out on the table for observation...and forces me to heal my own shit. I know that I need to...I am aware.
Ultimately, I love Jennie and wish her all the best. I love Jordan and wish him all the best. I love the bandages on my feet and everything that they stand for and the person they were born for and I love each and every one of the people I say goodbye to tonight. I hate being vulnerable and still find myself in attack-mode when I end up there...but it is because I love and love so much and love so deeply. To love is to sometimes hurt. I am learning. I am graceless sometimes in my rough, raw ways. But if any and all of you could ever know just how much I love you...
Ah, so many other things to tell you...a job interview that might turn into an offer that might keep me from going to Saskatchewan...my mom and I being let into the sweetest little cottage in the woods for the last few days here on the island...having the WHOLE GANG together again in #206 and how blessed I felt...the anonymous letter I got from a guy in Calgary about this blog (so cool to think unknown people read these words!)...my monkey mind as I head into the last day of the greatest job and wildest summer of my life...
But in the spirit of speed blogging, I say adieu...
And say it as quickly as possible.
I have reread my previous blog and want to say that It was written with much emotion and is not addressed to any one person...mostly, it was a reaction to having the softest most vulnerable place in my heart touched by having to say goodbye to Jennie. You see, when it comes to men leaving, like Jordan, I hurt, but I guess I am not as knocked over backwards by it. When my best friend who has always made me feel so unconditionally loved is packing to move across the country, it hurts on a whole different level. Jen and I have talked about it and we both agree that I have to look closely as to why I attribute her leaving Vancouver with her leaving me. I can only make excuses and say that it is me in overload - Jennie leaving so soon after Jordan leaving - that is causing me to have such erratic and intense saddness and anger and panic. I gotta look at all these things...which is why I blog because it puts my neuroses out on the table for observation...and forces me to heal my own shit. I know that I need to...I am aware.
Ultimately, I love Jennie and wish her all the best. I love Jordan and wish him all the best. I love the bandages on my feet and everything that they stand for and the person they were born for and I love each and every one of the people I say goodbye to tonight. I hate being vulnerable and still find myself in attack-mode when I end up there...but it is because I love and love so much and love so deeply. To love is to sometimes hurt. I am learning. I am graceless sometimes in my rough, raw ways. But if any and all of you could ever know just how much I love you...
Ah, so many other things to tell you...a job interview that might turn into an offer that might keep me from going to Saskatchewan...my mom and I being let into the sweetest little cottage in the woods for the last few days here on the island...having the WHOLE GANG together again in #206 and how blessed I felt...the anonymous letter I got from a guy in Calgary about this blog (so cool to think unknown people read these words!)...my monkey mind as I head into the last day of the greatest job and wildest summer of my life...
But in the spirit of speed blogging, I say adieu...
And say it as quickly as possible.
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