I Am That I Am

I am hungry. I am hungry and I am cold and I am unable to motivate myself to do anything about it.
I am angry. I am pissed off that my heart was broken by someone I trusted. I am so angry.
I am tired. I am kept awake at night with racing thoughts and race around during the day trying to bury them.
I am confused. I am confused about everything and it seems everyday I just get more confused about everything.
I am curious. I am curious how one simple blog brought a human sitting at Main and 49th into my life.
I am aching. I haven't had sex for months and months and months. Screw sex, I haven't been TOUCHED in months. I ache.
I am slow. Slow at letting go, slow at healing, slow at forgiving, slow at moving on. Or maybe it is just that I am lazy.
I am worried. I am worried that my life, post-ptarmigan, might slip back into its void of job hunting and frustration. Oh God.
I am thankful. Thankful for my Girlz, the 404 Gang, this job, my health, the sun, my tan. I am so thankful.
I am excited. I am excited for the day when I wake up and I no longer care who he loves, where he is, what he is feeling.
I am waiting. Waiting so patiently. Waiting to be kissed again, hand on the back of my head, with certainty. Hmmmmm.
I am sad. I don't show it as much these days. Sometimes I figure everyone's had their quota filled of my saddness. But I am.
I am pathetic. Pathetic how excited I get when there is new mail from The One I Have Plans with On Sunday. Am I in Grade 5 again?
I am trying. I am trying. I really am. I don't always get it right. Sometimes I fully screw up. But I am trying.
I am scared. Scared to love again like I did because I really don't know if I could ever survive once more this kind of pain. Seriously.
I am interested. I am interested to see what comes next. Becauase I don't have a clue.
I am happy. Or at least I have more and more happy moments. That's a start.
I am hurt. Hurt that she decided to leave me right after he left me. Like dominos. Hurt that I was not enough for them to stay.
I am female. I am female and I am convinced that that means having casual sex for only physical pleasure, with no strings attached is impossible.
I am hopeful. Hope is a loaded gun, I know. But better than sleeping pills.
I am controversial. I say out loud what others keep to themselves. I admit to jealousy, to lust, to rage. I am controversial.
I am human.
I am spirit.
I am both.

OK,
I am done.