Worse Than Hate

I have just worked what I think might have been a 16 hour day with another one just like it ahead of me tomorrow.
My head hurts, hy eyes hurt, my carpal tunnel hurts, my muscles ache from yesterday's hike and swim with my buddies and I am getting a strange rash on my back.
Moments ago, before opening up blogger, I burst into tears. I think it is just exhaustion, but there they were, tears, and a word that came very clearly to my heart.
The word was 'tolerate'.
It hurts me to say that word.
I think that is what Jordan did in our last months together, if not for the entire relationship. I think maybe he simply tolerated me. I wasn't loved, I was tolerated. God, that hurts. Hurts even deeper when all my masks and defenses are wittled down to nothing through too many hours of mad concentration. I would rather someone hate my guts than tolerate me. Hate has passion. And I hate him, that is, when I am not so busy loving him and missing him and...
...i know, i know...
TALKING about him. Sorry. I keep meaning to try and get through a blog without mentioning the breakup or my broken heart or Jo. It is just that I have no one to talk to out here on the island and it still hurts so much, so often. Living it out loud seems to help. I blog for my sanity.
I will think up something witty and unabashed and charmingly irreverent for my next post.
For now, I must must must shut off this DAMN computer and go to bed.
My excellent writing skills will kick in next time. Promise.
Merry Christmas...I mean...uhhhh...huh?
What month is it?
Who am I?
Is it normal when you stop feeling sensation in most your limbs?
G'dnite..
bbbbyyyeeeeeeeeee....
.....
.....
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.