Saturday, July 22, 2006
Oh, Mr. Postman
I received a package with a love letter attached in the mail today. A hand written, snail mailed love letter. Seems I have captured the attention of a gentleman from the songwriters camp. It is all so old fashioned and I am terribly flattered.
Of course, it is not from a gentleman that I have any desire to get to know further romantically. He seemed kind and funny, but I don't remember being at all attracted to him. Still, I will have to write and thank him. If nothing else, it feels good to know that someone is thinking of you, even if it isn't the someone who carries around your heart in his backpack.
I am lonely. I may as well admit it. I have been single before and I found it anything but lonely. My memories of being single are actually quite joyful. This time around, it feels so different. I don't necessarily ache to jump back into a partnership, but I am constantly craving my space to be filled with other people. It is so needy of me. When I am faced with a moment of silence filled with no doing-ness, I panic. Meditation has become frightening. The lonliness feels like black ominious shadows that creep onto my skin the moment I am all by myself, just being. So, I quickly pick up a book or do some work or call a friend or jump on the internet or go to sleep. I am haunted and I am afriad and I am lonely.
But what this love letter reminded me is that even though I am lonely, I am not willing to settle. Not yet. I am not willing to love someone back, simply because they love me. I am not willing to quit searching for someone who takes my breathe away. I am not talking about The One. You know how much I HATE that concept. This someone does not have to be The One, but they do need to be someone who pushes my buttons and who will never give up on us and who I can't stop thinking about and who ....
Why try to describe the magic that I am waiting for? It is impossible. I just know that even though I want so badly to rush through this time of being only me, I will not sacrifice my dreams to gain speed. Perhaps the universe is waiting for me to fall back in love completely with myself and my life before manifesting me a partner. That is what I am afriad of...feels like it could take a lifetime to get to a place where I don't miss the sound of him softly typing on his laptop beside me on the couch, supper cooking on the stove, our little world inside of #206 bubbling away, content, peaceful, gentle, perfect. How I ache for one more day of that life...one more nap together, middle of the afternoon, legs intertwined, hearts safe. Will I ever get to a place where I learn again to prefer hogging the whole bed to myself, flirting with as many men as I choose, having my home exactly as I want it - no bikes, no bob marley coaster, no tie dyed clothing hanging in my closet? How do fall in love again with Me when I still miss him so much?
"Love is so short, forgetting is so long."
I suppose I could listen to the little itty bitty voice inside of me that says 'Girl, that boy is a fool. A fool to have asked for your love and then thrown it away when he finally received it. A young, arrogant fool. You are smart and sexy and funny and it is easy to fall in love with you. That is how you can fall for yourself...easily. You had to make yourself smaller to love him. Forget that shit. Be big again and let some other woman deal with his issues. You are free and you are all you need and someday you will know a love with someone who is Certain. Make love to Life and have faith. This heart break was no mistake.'
The voice sounds kinda like Whoppi Goldberg. I love that voice.
Come on, Krista, let's go hog the bed.
Of course, it is not from a gentleman that I have any desire to get to know further romantically. He seemed kind and funny, but I don't remember being at all attracted to him. Still, I will have to write and thank him. If nothing else, it feels good to know that someone is thinking of you, even if it isn't the someone who carries around your heart in his backpack.
I am lonely. I may as well admit it. I have been single before and I found it anything but lonely. My memories of being single are actually quite joyful. This time around, it feels so different. I don't necessarily ache to jump back into a partnership, but I am constantly craving my space to be filled with other people. It is so needy of me. When I am faced with a moment of silence filled with no doing-ness, I panic. Meditation has become frightening. The lonliness feels like black ominious shadows that creep onto my skin the moment I am all by myself, just being. So, I quickly pick up a book or do some work or call a friend or jump on the internet or go to sleep. I am haunted and I am afriad and I am lonely.
But what this love letter reminded me is that even though I am lonely, I am not willing to settle. Not yet. I am not willing to love someone back, simply because they love me. I am not willing to quit searching for someone who takes my breathe away. I am not talking about The One. You know how much I HATE that concept. This someone does not have to be The One, but they do need to be someone who pushes my buttons and who will never give up on us and who I can't stop thinking about and who ....
Why try to describe the magic that I am waiting for? It is impossible. I just know that even though I want so badly to rush through this time of being only me, I will not sacrifice my dreams to gain speed. Perhaps the universe is waiting for me to fall back in love completely with myself and my life before manifesting me a partner. That is what I am afriad of...feels like it could take a lifetime to get to a place where I don't miss the sound of him softly typing on his laptop beside me on the couch, supper cooking on the stove, our little world inside of #206 bubbling away, content, peaceful, gentle, perfect. How I ache for one more day of that life...one more nap together, middle of the afternoon, legs intertwined, hearts safe. Will I ever get to a place where I learn again to prefer hogging the whole bed to myself, flirting with as many men as I choose, having my home exactly as I want it - no bikes, no bob marley coaster, no tie dyed clothing hanging in my closet? How do fall in love again with Me when I still miss him so much?
"Love is so short, forgetting is so long."
I suppose I could listen to the little itty bitty voice inside of me that says 'Girl, that boy is a fool. A fool to have asked for your love and then thrown it away when he finally received it. A young, arrogant fool. You are smart and sexy and funny and it is easy to fall in love with you. That is how you can fall for yourself...easily. You had to make yourself smaller to love him. Forget that shit. Be big again and let some other woman deal with his issues. You are free and you are all you need and someday you will know a love with someone who is Certain. Make love to Life and have faith. This heart break was no mistake.'
The voice sounds kinda like Whoppi Goldberg. I love that voice.
Come on, Krista, let's go hog the bed.
« Blog Home