Prayer For The Fallen

I must say, with all the angst that I entered this weekend holding in the palm of my little hand, I am leaving this weekend with a heart swollen in gratitude. This weekend was filled with music and tears and inspiration, sweat and oceans and moonlit chapels. Last night I stood under a vine covered terrace with a million dollar view of the Pacific Ocean at sunset and sang away all my pain. Craziest part was that at the end of the night I was handed a big, fat cheque to top it all off. It was more than fun and it was more than healing. It was all mine and no one can take that away from me.

The day today just continued in that vein, sitting under trees in the shade with the sun beating down (miracle of miracles!) making music. I made new friends and started to put a melody to my poem from a few weeks ago. Then tonight, I sang with some very talented songwriters in a chapel without walls and a few rickety pews. Standing back from it, I had to agree with Shari Ulrich who observed the feeling that we were all part of some snapshot in time. Canadian songwriters gathered on this secluded island on a dark evening in a unfinished chapel under some pretty amazing Red Cedars making spectacular music. It was transcendent. Like the lyrics of one of the new songs performed tonight stated..."it might be the devil's music, but it's the way I pray".

I am almost frightened to face Vancouver tomorrow.

I also wanted to share part of my sequel email from Dean. Like I said yesterday, having had Dawson on my mind lately, I have consequently had Dean on my mind as it was only the magic of Dawson that gave me the strength to get over that boy. My current heartbreak is only paralleled by my loss of Mr. Balkwill all those years ago. Anyway, after his first email inquiring about my wellbeing post-you-know-who, he sent me a follow up email filled with these wise words about partnership and marriage and love. Here is a taste...

A relationship is a HUGE compromise.
No two people will ever think exactly alike. It's
impossible. When you are in your wooing stage we are
very accommodating. A little later accommodating turns
into why do I have to be the one to change which turns
into I thought I new you but I guess I don't. Krista,
I am not sure why I got so lucky to find my other half
and who is also willing to do what it takes to stay
together. IT IS FRIKIN HARD!! I screw up A LOT. And I
know she does too. But doesn't everybody. Why then
break up only to go after someone else who will also
screw up. The grass is never greener. What ever you do, do
not try to love someone the way you want to be loved.
Love them the way THEY want to be loved.

He then goes on to say stuff that I probably won't type because it is blush-worthy. I always loved that about Dean. 99% of the time that man makes me feel desired and adored, even when he is married to someone else. Unlike my current Ex who makes me feel like a neutral, sexless lump of invisible blah. Ah, Dean. How I loved you then and how I love you now.

If all weekends could be like this I would get to have my Joy back. I will leave you with the lyrics of the final song I sang tonight...a pretty little sweetgrass ballad called Prayer For The Fallen that I sang with a knowing that ran so very deep...

It's a journey
I am on
The sign says hurry
But the train's already gone

So I wander
Down this lonesome road
Searhcing for some shelter
A place to lay my load

Hear me calling
Praying for relief
Your child has fallen, Lord,
Blinded by my grief

I am ready
To free my soul
Give you my burden
Let you make me whole

Sweet forgiveness
Cleanse my mind
Love is the savior
I only hope to find

Hear me calling
Praying for relief
Your child has fallen, Lord
Blinded by my grief.