Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Gettin' High, Gettin' Good
Maybe I am just high from the chemicals left behind from the fumigation that happened here today, but tonight seems like the first night of the rest of my life.
Walking back into my apartment after vacating it for the handful of hours that I was required, the place looked suddenly different to me. It reminded me of the place when I first took possession of it in October of 2004. It seemed sort of empty, but not in the empty way that it has felt since the night Jordan left. It seemed empty in that way that is filled with potential...like an empty stage when the lights first go up, an empty canvas waiting as the painter approaches with brush in hand, an empty lot that has yet to have its ground broken and the first pillars of a home put in place. Kind of like the emptiness of that silence that precedes a very first kiss, filled with a future untouched by two people who are about to create one together. When I moved in here in October, I felt like I was finally getting on with my life. It was my apartment and this was my city and it was my job. Tonight, for some reason, the apartment has that energy. And when I don't think of the bedbugs or the fumes that are probably inducing my high or my smug ex-boyfriend who so eagerly crashed my happy place ripped it to shreds and skipped away with his other girlfriends...when I don't think like that I almost feel like I could be handed back my life.
Watching One Tree Hill just before blogging, they were talking about Hemingway and how he employed a 'less is more' approach to writing. The characters were asked to describe in one word what they want most in their lives currently. Seems like an awesome Konkin Question to post (if anyone ever answers the question that I have up right now...I think people have forgotten about kjkonkin.com and all its other goodies...and who can blame them...it's been so long...). So, I ask myself - what do I want - right now - in one word? Man, a few weeks ago I would have easily answered "Jordan". Not tonight. Tonight I am wrestling with a few words...
Freedom seems like a good one.
Love is always a safe pick, but kind of vague.
Revenge comes to mind, but I laugh that away, knowing it is only my Ego speaking.
Answers perhaps, but then again, Rilke had a point when he advised us to let go of answers and 'live the questions'.
ecstasy sounds better than good, but I have no faith in its sustainability.
Contentment I think wins. Simple, sweet, perfect. That is the heaven I believe in. Contentment with What Is.
What's your word?
Walking back into my apartment after vacating it for the handful of hours that I was required, the place looked suddenly different to me. It reminded me of the place when I first took possession of it in October of 2004. It seemed sort of empty, but not in the empty way that it has felt since the night Jordan left. It seemed empty in that way that is filled with potential...like an empty stage when the lights first go up, an empty canvas waiting as the painter approaches with brush in hand, an empty lot that has yet to have its ground broken and the first pillars of a home put in place. Kind of like the emptiness of that silence that precedes a very first kiss, filled with a future untouched by two people who are about to create one together. When I moved in here in October, I felt like I was finally getting on with my life. It was my apartment and this was my city and it was my job. Tonight, for some reason, the apartment has that energy. And when I don't think of the bedbugs or the fumes that are probably inducing my high or my smug ex-boyfriend who so eagerly crashed my happy place ripped it to shreds and skipped away with his other girlfriends...when I don't think like that I almost feel like I could be handed back my life.
Watching One Tree Hill just before blogging, they were talking about Hemingway and how he employed a 'less is more' approach to writing. The characters were asked to describe in one word what they want most in their lives currently. Seems like an awesome Konkin Question to post (if anyone ever answers the question that I have up right now...I think people have forgotten about kjkonkin.com and all its other goodies...and who can blame them...it's been so long...). So, I ask myself - what do I want - right now - in one word? Man, a few weeks ago I would have easily answered "Jordan". Not tonight. Tonight I am wrestling with a few words...
Freedom seems like a good one.
Love is always a safe pick, but kind of vague.
Revenge comes to mind, but I laugh that away, knowing it is only my Ego speaking.
Answers perhaps, but then again, Rilke had a point when he advised us to let go of answers and 'live the questions'.
ecstasy sounds better than good, but I have no faith in its sustainability.
Contentment I think wins. Simple, sweet, perfect. That is the heaven I believe in. Contentment with What Is.
What's your word?
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