Superbowl Blues

You know something is wrong with you when watching the Seattle Seahawks lose to the Steelers 10 to 21 makes you bow your head and cry. Especially when you a) could care less about NFL football b) haven't watched even one season game and c) didn't even know who was playing or who you were going to cheer for until about 3 minutes after turning on the TV. Krista doesn't cry about football. But today Krista did. Krista cried and cried.

I can hear Jessi singing downstairs. I miss singing.

Jordan is clipping his toenails. I miss Jordan.

Nobody is coming over for a 404 Movie night. I miss 404 Movie nights.

Caitlin is lying on a beach in Mexico reading. I miss Caitlin.

This morning the sun was shining threw the window and I opened it up to get a breeze in the room. Suddenly, the room was filled with the smell of Ontario fall and I missed everything about college and the feeling that my life was just beginning.

I miss my mom and I miss Kelowna and I miss making consistent money. I am aching again in my life and It sucks to see that perhaps something is ailing me that is too big for me to fix, too big for finding a job to fix and too big to just go away. I am being held prisoner by something in myself and blog as I might and search as I may, It is winning the battle.

So what next? Work tomorrow morning. The possibility that this week I might feel less like a liability and more like an asset. A doctor's appointment on Tuesday which is good because I am having scary, wierd stuff happening with my body. But what next in terms of my saddness? How long do I try to fix it with outside circumstances and when do I stop accepting that this is just as good as my life can get?