Monday, February 13, 2006
A Hard Lump
I meant to blog all weekend and never quite got around to it. I was busy resisting. That is me, always busy resisting.
These health things I am dealing with (shhhhh, they are *blush* women's issues)came to a climax this weekend and in the fear that it brought I wound up in the dark, dank Konkin place of self-reflection. Saturday morning I awoke with a stressed out boyfrined who had spent his night dreaming about not being able to meet deadlines at work and a pounding headache that made me look at us from afar. Dedicated to these jobs that make us money, completly detached from anything and everything that truly matters, we were the picture of urban, 20-something culture. It made me sad. Really sad. It erupted into a frenzied rush to my Real Estate seminar and a horrible fight between us. The day was saved later by a visit to Stanley Park and a looooong nap, but the weekend proceeded with a hard lump in my chest of tar-like discontent.
Today I am back at the office, processing leads, filing for GST #s and being very grown up. The hard lump is there even though it is exciting when I consider how this particular path could repaint my picture with very different colors. I am caught between worlds - theatre and finance, independence and domesticity, bankruptcy and riches, gratitude and despair. For a year I have stayed stuck and now I am moving, but with my eyes closed...one foot in front of the other, hoping for the best. My spiritual abs have gotten flabby and my relationship is filled with work. I consistently go against my instincts because I no longer trust myself. To the outside world I am finally getting my shit together. I, on the other hand, feel like I have merely given in and joined the masses.
Is this what it feels like to find oneself?
Is this what it feels like in the face of 30?
Is this all I can expect from now on?
Is this it?
These health things I am dealing with (shhhhh, they are *blush* women's issues)came to a climax this weekend and in the fear that it brought I wound up in the dark, dank Konkin place of self-reflection. Saturday morning I awoke with a stressed out boyfrined who had spent his night dreaming about not being able to meet deadlines at work and a pounding headache that made me look at us from afar. Dedicated to these jobs that make us money, completly detached from anything and everything that truly matters, we were the picture of urban, 20-something culture. It made me sad. Really sad. It erupted into a frenzied rush to my Real Estate seminar and a horrible fight between us. The day was saved later by a visit to Stanley Park and a looooong nap, but the weekend proceeded with a hard lump in my chest of tar-like discontent.
Today I am back at the office, processing leads, filing for GST #s and being very grown up. The hard lump is there even though it is exciting when I consider how this particular path could repaint my picture with very different colors. I am caught between worlds - theatre and finance, independence and domesticity, bankruptcy and riches, gratitude and despair. For a year I have stayed stuck and now I am moving, but with my eyes closed...one foot in front of the other, hoping for the best. My spiritual abs have gotten flabby and my relationship is filled with work. I consistently go against my instincts because I no longer trust myself. To the outside world I am finally getting my shit together. I, on the other hand, feel like I have merely given in and joined the masses.
Is this what it feels like to find oneself?
Is this what it feels like in the face of 30?
Is this all I can expect from now on?
Is this it?
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