The End

this is a goodbye blog. there will be no more blog and there will be no more kjkonkin.com. this is a goodbye blog and i have come to say goodbye. i began all this in an attempt to find myself. i have not. i have not even come close. and this weekend i lost the only thing left in this city that gave me the strength to wake up in the morning despite it all.

what do i say and how do i say it? jordan has left. he has called it quits and walked out the door. as i type this he is at our apartment he is in our home and he is moving all his stuff out. he is leaving. he has left. he leaves because he does not feel 'it' because even though he loves me he does not want a future with me because in the wholeness of his feelings for me there is something missing. he can not put name to what is missing, but it has been missing since the beginning and he is done with trying to feel it. he is gone and he has left and i have had to watch it happen because there is nothing i can do or be or say or negotiate. he does not love me enough. the end.

my pain is beyond any pain i have experienced in my life yet. for the first time in my life i allowed myself to love and dream and stay and stay and stay and believe and desire and i have had my heart broken. i have had someone take a look at my heart say no thanks and hand it back. for every man in my past that i have left, hurt, betrayed i am being repayed. i am humiliated and shamed and alone and alone and not enough. i have failed at everything i have touched in Vancouver and now i have failed this love. i ache. i reel. i cry tears that choke me. my friends are worried and they help me. they hold me as i cry. but all i want is him to love me. to come back and tell me this is a mistake. to build a home with me and build a life with me and choose me. choose me. tonight instead he packs his boxes and leaves. he destroys our home, takes half and leaves me emails about wanting to be friends. i read them and i cry. i try to sleep and i cry. when i do sleep i wake up and don't know where i am and then i remember. he is gone. i will never make love to him again. we will never start JoDesign and we will not build a home together and someday some woman will have the 'it' that I don't have and she will get to experience what I will never experience again.

i feel i must leave vancouver. i do not love my job and can't go back to job hunting. i can not be in the apartment. i can not be on this website. i look at the DVD store where we would rent movies and i cry. i look at the grocery store where we shopped for groceries and i cry. it all hurts. hurts. hurts. i must go. go towards what i do not know. i love BC. but i don't know. i belong nowhere. i can not stay. i don't know where to go. i have nothing. i don't even recognize myself anymore. i am lost. lost and alone and sad and broken. i have very little money but i can not keep working at a job that brings me no joy and then come home to an empty home full of ghosts. i will not. i can not stay. i don't know where to go.

i love him and he does not want it. i would beg him but it will do no good. i would wait but i would be making a fool of myself. our cookie dough and our OC obsession and the Centre and talks and cuddles on the couch and our ho-em-ba and the joy we got after being away at basking in its safeness and the laughing and the design projects till the wee hours of the morning and our bums in the air and playing house in Coquitlam and sharing with each other our secret dreams and our hard days at work and just the smiling and the kissing and the dancing oh the dancing and all of the tiny little non-important things that make up a very normal day and week and month all those things are gone. because he does not feel 'it' our life together has been ripped away and i have not been allowed to have anything to say about it. like a small child i cry and cry and cry. like a woman i start to believe that love ain't worth it.

i am angry that he asked me to love him. i hate him for begging me to have the courage to jump in and not run. why? why!? why do that if you can't reciprocate? i am pissed off that it was him that wanted to move in together couldn't wait to move in together and that all his actions seemed to point toward a man who was in love and was happy and was in this for good. i have been tricked and for that i want to make him suffer and suffer and suffer. he says this hurts him but it is just his guilt he feels. he has thrown away everything but all he feels is guilt. he is a fool and i pray he will wake up one day soon and see what a mistake he has made. what a tragic mistake. i am angry.

but i am mostly sad. i am mostly terrified. i see that this is compounded by the fact that he was a very last thread to hang on to. i was finding me and instead i have lost more than i could have imagined. tomorrow i walk into my apartment while he flies to mexico and i will i have no tables, no bikes hanging from my walls, no arm chair, no clothes on the right side of the closet, no bookshelf, no green hoodie on the hook, no jordan to be found. i dread tomorrow. i dread the day after tomorrow. ohgod. it hurts. i just want him to come back. i just want this to all go away. he is gone. he is leaving. he is gone.

Goodbye. Goodbye. A chapter closes. My heart breaks. So much ends. And when all is done, there are no more words.