Where ever you go, there you are

I have heard it said before, countless times, that where ever you go, there you are. I know it to be true and yet I still get the urge to find a new city to move to or some random location to visit for a period of time when my heart gets sad. Take this Christmas vacation to Moose Jaw. I was hoping agaisnt hope that coming to Moose Jaw would cast a magic spell over my life and my relationship and POOF suddenly it would all fall into place. I would feel connected to Jordan and clear about my path for 2006 and Christmas itself would sprinkle happy dust on my grumpiness. I hoped that Moose Jaw would bring money and rest and friendships.

Moose Jaw has brought alot of good things, but it is true...where ever you go, there you are. And like a drug, when the 'vacation' wears off, back you go to Vancouver, to reality, and there it sits waiting for you. I hold the illusion that the city holds these unanswered questions, but the truth is, I hold these unanswered questions. Sure, I could move to Halifax. I could break up with Jordan. I could take a job at a gas station to pay my bills. But the questions will remain unanswered until they are answered and I would be best to just accept that living the questions and not desiring answers is my fastest path to freedom.

I have a few more days to live in the escape. In an hour, Jo and I go for a couple's massage and tonight to the Mineral Spa. Tomorrow mom and I are going to shop 'til we drop in Regina. But soon we will have to go back. I want so badly to have a different 2006. I want it soooooo badly. Must get out of the patterned rut I feel I am in --- the one that leaves me feeling dull and mediocre. Not sure what that will look like, but I am excited for the upcoming year. I have cocooned long enough. Something's gotta give. Change is in the wind.

There is alot of other stuff in the wind, but that is mostly due to the types of food we've been eating...