Saturday, December 10, 2005
circles circles circles
After discovering that I have exactly $18 in my chequing account, I had a shitty night.
Today I went out to buy a paper to look for jobs and milk. I also bought Egg Nog in a pathetic attempt to feel Christmas-y. So I suppose that i now have more like $10. Wow.
So, I ask myself this. How have I ended up here again? I will assume if Aidan is reading this, he is laughing at me right now. Suppose I deserve it.
In Toronto, I melted down. Why? Because I didn't know where I belonged, what I wanted or how I was going to pay rent. I freaked out because I saw that I had stopped dreaming for myself. I had so totally attached to my current relationship that I had completely forgotten what I wanted. I was broke and miserable and, even though i loved Aidan, I did not, at all, love myself. So I ran away. I moved to Vancouver. I started this blog. I attempted to start fresh.
And this morning I woke up and realized that as I usher out this year, I am right back where I started. I am broke, I do not know where I belong or what I should be doing. I spend more time taking care of my boyfriend than I do myself, mostly because I don't have anything else to focus on. My boyfriend doesn't desire me and why should he? I wouldn't desire me either. He went hiking today with a female friend of his. It was good to know he could escape me. If I could escape me, I would.
I am afraid,folks, that I haven't learned anything. You guys have probably known this all along.
So, here I am. About six months of melting down. Perhaps a lifetime of melting down.
( gawd...watching this disgustingly chirpy made-for-TV movie about happy families holding hands and skating while singing carols. No wonder the suicide rate is so high at Christmas.)
So - my silver lining?
Mandarins and egg nog?
Some owed income coming in the new year?
A warm apartment?
Hugs from my mom in a couple short weeks?
Truth is, I am terrified. There doesn't need to be a silver lining. It is what it is.
Going in circles. circles. circles. circles. circles. circles.
Today I went out to buy a paper to look for jobs and milk. I also bought Egg Nog in a pathetic attempt to feel Christmas-y. So I suppose that i now have more like $10. Wow.
So, I ask myself this. How have I ended up here again? I will assume if Aidan is reading this, he is laughing at me right now. Suppose I deserve it.
In Toronto, I melted down. Why? Because I didn't know where I belonged, what I wanted or how I was going to pay rent. I freaked out because I saw that I had stopped dreaming for myself. I had so totally attached to my current relationship that I had completely forgotten what I wanted. I was broke and miserable and, even though i loved Aidan, I did not, at all, love myself. So I ran away. I moved to Vancouver. I started this blog. I attempted to start fresh.
And this morning I woke up and realized that as I usher out this year, I am right back where I started. I am broke, I do not know where I belong or what I should be doing. I spend more time taking care of my boyfriend than I do myself, mostly because I don't have anything else to focus on. My boyfriend doesn't desire me and why should he? I wouldn't desire me either. He went hiking today with a female friend of his. It was good to know he could escape me. If I could escape me, I would.
I am afraid,folks, that I haven't learned anything. You guys have probably known this all along.
So, here I am. About six months of melting down. Perhaps a lifetime of melting down.
( gawd...watching this disgustingly chirpy made-for-TV movie about happy families holding hands and skating while singing carols. No wonder the suicide rate is so high at Christmas.)
So - my silver lining?
Mandarins and egg nog?
Some owed income coming in the new year?
A warm apartment?
Hugs from my mom in a couple short weeks?
Truth is, I am terrified. There doesn't need to be a silver lining. It is what it is.
Going in circles. circles. circles. circles. circles. circles.
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