Friday, December 23, 2005
2 More Sleeps
I'm here, I'm here. I didn't die. I didn't even totally go into hiding. I simply dog-sat for a week and then flew to Moose Jaw becoming immediately inundated with family visiting and the like. Tonight, we are staying in, exhausted, and doing nothing. Well, not nothing. I am blogging. Touching base with my 'public'. Ahhh, come on, you can leave a girl with her delusions.
Guess I don't even really have anything really deep to say. Being home is nice. It doesn't really feel like Christmas. The holiday has yet to take the general numbness from my heart. I am gaining lots of weight. In contemplation, I have looked back at 2005 and been mourning a loss of integrity on my part. Jordan is reading a computer book. Mom is watching Seinfeld. Must manifest a job that i will love. Or simply one that I will keep. Being back reminds me of being here in 2004 when I was full of passion for life. I am aware of how my passion has deadlined...is that the word? Like those heartbeat monitors when the beeping just suddenly becomes one, long, continuous tone.
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Want to believe 2006 will be different, will bring me all I desire or the freedom from desire itself. Want to believe my relationship will find new growth instead of fading off into a dull grey and that I will make more money in the next 12 months than I ever have. Want to have expectations, but I am terrified of failing. So, I attempt to stay calm and just allow it to unfold as it will.
But before I do that let me declare to the Universe - I WANT IT TO GET BETTER, CLEARER, EASIER and FULL OF MORE PASSION!!!!!!! PLEASE LET ME CO-CREATE A 2006 THAT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE 2005!!!!!! PLEASE.
Am off to force feed photo albulms of my childhood to Jordan. Could be worse, I could have dragged him to the Mineral Spa and made him float around with a bunch of strange people for a fee. Oh, poor Jordan. (Why am I always worrying about him?)
2 more sleeps. If we don't speak before then, Merry Holidays or Happy Christmakah or whatever. Good luck, whatever you do.
Guess I don't even really have anything really deep to say. Being home is nice. It doesn't really feel like Christmas. The holiday has yet to take the general numbness from my heart. I am gaining lots of weight. In contemplation, I have looked back at 2005 and been mourning a loss of integrity on my part. Jordan is reading a computer book. Mom is watching Seinfeld. Must manifest a job that i will love. Or simply one that I will keep. Being back reminds me of being here in 2004 when I was full of passion for life. I am aware of how my passion has deadlined...is that the word? Like those heartbeat monitors when the beeping just suddenly becomes one, long, continuous tone.
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Want to believe 2006 will be different, will bring me all I desire or the freedom from desire itself. Want to believe my relationship will find new growth instead of fading off into a dull grey and that I will make more money in the next 12 months than I ever have. Want to have expectations, but I am terrified of failing. So, I attempt to stay calm and just allow it to unfold as it will.
But before I do that let me declare to the Universe - I WANT IT TO GET BETTER, CLEARER, EASIER and FULL OF MORE PASSION!!!!!!! PLEASE LET ME CO-CREATE A 2006 THAT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE 2005!!!!!! PLEASE.
Am off to force feed photo albulms of my childhood to Jordan. Could be worse, I could have dragged him to the Mineral Spa and made him float around with a bunch of strange people for a fee. Oh, poor Jordan. (Why am I always worrying about him?)
2 more sleeps. If we don't speak before then, Merry Holidays or Happy Christmakah or whatever. Good luck, whatever you do.
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