Wiping the Mirror Clean

You know when you wake up Monday morning and can't talk because you lost your voice releasing primal screams of fear and anger and saddness and exhaustion all weekend, that your last three days have been anything but normal.

My eyelids feel that sorta puffiness that occurs when you have cried and cried and cried.

Amidst the tears and screaming and healing, I found peace. Today the world feels different.

I almost lost my relationship this weekend. Jordan was going through another bought of doubt about (hey, i rhyme!) us. About his attraction for me, his ability to commit to us for the long haul, all of it. Being the third time we have faced this now, I knew that a scary leap was going to be needed from him in one direction or another. I knew I had to allow him to go if he needed to go. It was terrifying. I went to the workshop and screamed and cried and let go of my resistance. I reminded myself that If he left that did not need to mean that I am worthless. I breathed in the plans to go to Moose Jaw early and allow him space to move out...

But before I said goodbye I told him that I thought he should stay. I told him that he could go find a new partner and she could be lots more compatible in lots of ways, but there will always be something that would convince him that forever could never work, there would always be days and moments when he would look at this woman he loved and feel very little love or passion. I told him that what I have learned is that it is faith that brings you through those moments --- you know you feel it because at some point you have and you hang on believing that you will feel it again. You remember that distance created is always about stuff in yourself that needs healing and that you can find each other again, by loving yourself first. I told him that there have been times in my life that I have walked away because I was scared and hopeless and moments I have walked away in utter peace that I needed to go a different direction. I asked him - if you can walk away today and feel peace and see me with other men and be hardly affected...if you don't love me anymore, than I give you my blessing to go. But don't go if you are scared. I have done this and the regrets still haunt me. I said alot and listened alot and on the other end of these conversations...

He decided to stay. But not just stay. Stay in a deeper sense than ever before. To Love What Is and enjoy the fact that I make him happy, that We make him happy. He decided to love himself. And that, i believe, will make all the difference.

So, we booked tickets home today. And I did laundry. I will do my Real Estate homework and look forward to my Design class and when he gets home we'll meditate together and make some supper. Life is good and good and good and good.

I am wiping my mirror clean.