When Not Having An Answer Is The Answer

I am about to attend a weekend workshop called Free The Heart.

Now, for any of you that have read my blog for awhile and remember what happened when I went to Awakenings in January, you'll know without me needing to tell you that I can have resistance to being asked to feel and process all my stuff in front of other people. I am not sure what to expect tonight. I am not sure what I am even signing up for, but, this time, I am not as resistant. This time I promise to honour myself and whatever I choose moment after moment. If It is brilliant I will pat myself on the back for having the foresight to go and if it is a disaster I will pat myself on the back for even trying.

I must start committing to being kind to myself first and foremost.

Which is why I ask the following question...if your partner came to you and told you that they loved you, but did not see you as their life partner, did not see you as the one that they wanted to spend their life with --- would you be kinder to yourself by saying 'I deserve more than that. I deserve someone who clearly knows that I am their life choice' and then end the relationship or would you be better to yourself by not allowing their assesment of you to define how magnificent you are and, since you still desire the partnership, stay with them until they make the movement to leave?

Wish I could tell you that my question is merely hypothetical, but it isn't.

The hard part about answering hypothetical questions is the fact that you don't have much of the history or the feeling tone of the situation. It the above case, what you might not know is that this isn't the first time that this partner has stated their ambiguity toward the relationship. What you might also not know is how happy they have been in the Now, when not looking at the Big Picture. Each little detail adds more grey to an already difficult choice. You would think that one could simply choose whatever would bring them happiness, but even that isn't clear cut. Sometimes what hurts the most initially is simply the bandaid being ripped off -- once the wound is revealed it begins to heal and once it is healed you are happier than you ever were wearing a bandaid.

Or am I just making this more complicated than it needs to be?

Anyway, I am off to what may be a very large, altering weekend. Or a very fun, exciting weekend. Or a very dull, what-am-I-doing-here weekend. I am off to find out how to be kind to myself and to ask myself if I have the capacity to love and pour energy into someone who doesn't feel the same way back...

So here goes..