Quiet Room

The house is so quiet right now.

Jordan is gone out somewhere tonight. I have had a quiet day and now it looks like I am going to have a quiet night. Post-weekend, the world has seemed to get so much quieter, and I am not sure if I like it.

I mean, I DO like it. It is much more peaceful. But sometimes this life that I have chosen of being at home a lot alone, of studying by myself and such, it is very isolating. I have these friends that live in my building, but they are busy with their jobs and when they get home they mostly just want 'quiet' time, which is what I am looking to break out of. I wonder what I can do about being isolated? Join things, I know. But I think me and choir have come to a close and the classes I take are very few hours in a week. Maybe I need a pet. Maybe I need a baby.

Maybe I should knock on wood.

Can't think of a worse reason to have a child. Loneliness. Which brings me to the subject of Alex, my niece. She is failing out of Grade One because of this ADD thing they have labelled her with...and my brother's not happy and the whole household is barely hanging on by a string. My heart breaks when I consider her, alone, longing for the attention of someone, being so clingy that she drives everyone away from her...She is only a little girl!!! I wrestle with the guilt of not being there to rescue her somehow, be the love she needs, heal her heart. In a small moment of self-hate creeping back, I am disgusted at my self-centered FINDING ME shit when it means that I don't have any money or power to help someone other than myself.

Then I come back to my new life intention. Stop beating up on myself. Love me so that I can love her so that she can love herself and ultimately love everybody else. Hard to do.

Especially tongiht when the house is so quiet.