Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Like Darryl Would Do It
Inspired by Darryl's Blog (found on the Scrumptious Websites page) I think I am just going to freaking rant without trying so hard to be enlightened about it...
I am so fucking tired of feeling lost. And no, I refuse tonight to believe that I must on some level be hanging onto the lost-ness for some unconscious payout. I AM TRYING! I am sorry to all of you who are sick of my negativity, for my month after month of discontent...I am tyring to change behaviours, make new choices, shake it up a bit, clear my head of negative thinking, fill my days with pleasurable things, honour my chioces YADDA YADDA YADDA .... but I feel what I feel and tonight I feel trapped and alone and stupid and self-centered and bored and isolated and misunderstood and like shit. I do. I still do! God!! When does this end? I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW it ends when I make a choice to end it, but I have been trying to do that and it isn't working! What now? Where do i go from here? What is my next step? I crave change and adventure and something more than this .... I want more and thus my discontent. Do I get a job? Do I not get a job? Do I continue studying? Do I do it part time and work part time? Do I study RE or Design and If I study Design how and when and where do I do this where I am not attempting to teach it to myself in the silence of this apartment day after day after day after day. I am 29 years old and I don't have a clue. I want to punch people sometimes for telling me how wise they think I am when I am so freaking Clueless. I want out of my life. I want to go back to Grade 3 and start again. Tonight I hate everything and everybody including Jordan and God and, mostly, myself.
I do not believe I am a victim. I know I am creating this hell and the gates are locked from the inside. I just don't know how to unlock them. Or maybe I know, in my head, but I can't seem to live it. Fuckityfuck. I AM SICK OF WAITING. I AM RUNNING OUT OF PATIENCE.
That is about all the fire my anger has tonight. For now.
"Anger as soon as fed is dead - 'Tis starving makes it fat."
Emily Dickinson
Fine, Em, Consider it fed.
I am so fucking tired of feeling lost. And no, I refuse tonight to believe that I must on some level be hanging onto the lost-ness for some unconscious payout. I AM TRYING! I am sorry to all of you who are sick of my negativity, for my month after month of discontent...I am tyring to change behaviours, make new choices, shake it up a bit, clear my head of negative thinking, fill my days with pleasurable things, honour my chioces YADDA YADDA YADDA .... but I feel what I feel and tonight I feel trapped and alone and stupid and self-centered and bored and isolated and misunderstood and like shit. I do. I still do! God!! When does this end? I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW it ends when I make a choice to end it, but I have been trying to do that and it isn't working! What now? Where do i go from here? What is my next step? I crave change and adventure and something more than this .... I want more and thus my discontent. Do I get a job? Do I not get a job? Do I continue studying? Do I do it part time and work part time? Do I study RE or Design and If I study Design how and when and where do I do this where I am not attempting to teach it to myself in the silence of this apartment day after day after day after day. I am 29 years old and I don't have a clue. I want to punch people sometimes for telling me how wise they think I am when I am so freaking Clueless. I want out of my life. I want to go back to Grade 3 and start again. Tonight I hate everything and everybody including Jordan and God and, mostly, myself.
I do not believe I am a victim. I know I am creating this hell and the gates are locked from the inside. I just don't know how to unlock them. Or maybe I know, in my head, but I can't seem to live it. Fuckityfuck. I AM SICK OF WAITING. I AM RUNNING OUT OF PATIENCE.
That is about all the fire my anger has tonight. For now.
"Anger as soon as fed is dead - 'Tis starving makes it fat."
Emily Dickinson
Fine, Em, Consider it fed.
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