Monday, October 24, 2005
HomeSick
Why homesick? Why now? I don't get it.
In talking out this present feeling, I think it may be because of a few reasons...
I am not specifically homesick for Moose Jaw, but for a slower, simplier way of living my life. Here I am, at home, immersed in this self-directed learning, living at a very slow pace right now and it feels like I am trying to stand still in the raging river of a city. I left Toronto in 2003 because the city was getting me down and here I am, living in another city. Ug.
I am mostly feeling lonely, isolated, not really homesick. Spending most of my time in the quiet and solitude of my apartment, I can reach a capacity for alone-time where my heart starts feeling like it will burst if I don't get a chance to connect to someone! This is also linked to my days not being terribly busy or involved, so my mind has much time to acknowledge the s p a c e .
In this feeling of lost-ness (is that a word?) my little Krista inside longs to go home. Home where my mom is and my familiar world and back to a town that is more sleepy than ambitious. I am glad to say that we have booked our tickets home for Christmas, but Lord that feels like a long way away.
Must make note of something else that I have been running into: visitors to my site that are saying to me "how and why do you choose to live all your initmate, personal feelings out in public?" It is freaking some people out. And I know that this says more about them than it does about me. I see so clearly that we believe as a people that to keep something sacred is to keep something secret. I suppose I am pushing the buttons of our tribe to question if the most sacred thing you can do is hurt and bleed and laugh and search and BE REAL in front of a world that is terrified of that exact thing.
I also wonder if it a worthiness button that is being pushed? Like a 'who-are-you-or-who-am-I-to-think-that-anybody-else-is-or-should-be-or-could-be-interested-in-the-inner-workings-of-my-most-personal-heart's-journey???? Evidence of this are the countless people that I talk to that say that they haven't submitted to my Konkin Question because they wouldn't have a good enough answer, or that nobody wants to hear what they have to say or their idea might not be as creative as everybody else's etc, etc, etc. It makes me infintily sad to know how many of us really don't think we are fabulous. How many of us think we need to be painters or sculptures or somethin' to be considered creative. It is a mirror for me as I then get a chance to see all the ways that I still don't measure up to my own standards of 'good enough'...
This was meant to be a site dedicated to learning, searching and finding our way...
and if your not pushing buttons, your just being Nice and Nice only ever taught us to wear masks.
Glad to see this site is working.
In talking out this present feeling, I think it may be because of a few reasons...
I am not specifically homesick for Moose Jaw, but for a slower, simplier way of living my life. Here I am, at home, immersed in this self-directed learning, living at a very slow pace right now and it feels like I am trying to stand still in the raging river of a city. I left Toronto in 2003 because the city was getting me down and here I am, living in another city. Ug.
I am mostly feeling lonely, isolated, not really homesick. Spending most of my time in the quiet and solitude of my apartment, I can reach a capacity for alone-time where my heart starts feeling like it will burst if I don't get a chance to connect to someone! This is also linked to my days not being terribly busy or involved, so my mind has much time to acknowledge the s p a c e .
In this feeling of lost-ness (is that a word?) my little Krista inside longs to go home. Home where my mom is and my familiar world and back to a town that is more sleepy than ambitious. I am glad to say that we have booked our tickets home for Christmas, but Lord that feels like a long way away.
Must make note of something else that I have been running into: visitors to my site that are saying to me "how and why do you choose to live all your initmate, personal feelings out in public?" It is freaking some people out. And I know that this says more about them than it does about me. I see so clearly that we believe as a people that to keep something sacred is to keep something secret. I suppose I am pushing the buttons of our tribe to question if the most sacred thing you can do is hurt and bleed and laugh and search and BE REAL in front of a world that is terrified of that exact thing.
I also wonder if it a worthiness button that is being pushed? Like a 'who-are-you-or-who-am-I-to-think-that-anybody-else-is-or-should-be-or-could-be-interested-in-the-inner-workings-of-my-most-personal-heart's-journey???? Evidence of this are the countless people that I talk to that say that they haven't submitted to my Konkin Question because they wouldn't have a good enough answer, or that nobody wants to hear what they have to say or their idea might not be as creative as everybody else's etc, etc, etc. It makes me infintily sad to know how many of us really don't think we are fabulous. How many of us think we need to be painters or sculptures or somethin' to be considered creative. It is a mirror for me as I then get a chance to see all the ways that I still don't measure up to my own standards of 'good enough'...
This was meant to be a site dedicated to learning, searching and finding our way...
and if your not pushing buttons, your just being Nice and Nice only ever taught us to wear masks.
Glad to see this site is working.
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