Sunday, October 09, 2005
Falling To Joy
Pulling myself out of a deep, other-worldly sleep with a distinct need to blog.
Yesterday was a strange day for me. A day that pushed so many buttons all at once that my exhaustion at the end of it was far beyond physical. The day started with Jennie telling me that at some point she may need to spend so much time in Toronto for work Honeywell may rent her an apartment there...those buttons were abandonment, fear, anger. Then I went with Jo to a wedding he was hired to shoot. The wedding was very different...so laid back and casual that I kinda didn't know what to feel. The bride and groom and their buddies just hung out in the chapel until they pressed play on a ghetto blaster ... then they all sauntered to the back of the room to "walk down the aisle" and everybody present was in the wedding party. I was the only one left in the pews. It was so different. But the biggest buttons it pushed in me were about marriage. Suddenly, I had an overwhelming urge to be married. To stand in front of other people and commit to a life partnership. I watched Jo taking pictures and I felt overwhelming certainty followed by fear and then saddness.
Last night, I sang at our fundraising concert for CSL. My friends were in the audience, the place was packed and the music was inspirational. I enjoyed myself, but all the old theatre buttons were pushed. I was connected, yes, but I was also annoyed and jealous and self-depreciating. I am glad to have the concert over. On top of all this, I started a bit of a panic around going home for Christmas. The tickets are expensive, the weather dangerous to drive in and I want to take Jo home more than I can tell you. This triggered all levels of homesickness, lack consciousness, frustration that I went to Colorado so he "should" have to come to Saskatchewan...
Ya, yesterday was filled to the brim.
This morning I have what feels like an emotional hangover. The skies are grey, the apartment is quiet and today/tomorrow we celebrate Thanksgiving. I think I will dedicate today to contemplation and to
Loving What Is.
Oh, and maybe to taking a nap. You know,the important stuff.
Yesterday was a strange day for me. A day that pushed so many buttons all at once that my exhaustion at the end of it was far beyond physical. The day started with Jennie telling me that at some point she may need to spend so much time in Toronto for work Honeywell may rent her an apartment there...those buttons were abandonment, fear, anger. Then I went with Jo to a wedding he was hired to shoot. The wedding was very different...so laid back and casual that I kinda didn't know what to feel. The bride and groom and their buddies just hung out in the chapel until they pressed play on a ghetto blaster ... then they all sauntered to the back of the room to "walk down the aisle" and everybody present was in the wedding party. I was the only one left in the pews. It was so different. But the biggest buttons it pushed in me were about marriage. Suddenly, I had an overwhelming urge to be married. To stand in front of other people and commit to a life partnership. I watched Jo taking pictures and I felt overwhelming certainty followed by fear and then saddness.
Last night, I sang at our fundraising concert for CSL. My friends were in the audience, the place was packed and the music was inspirational. I enjoyed myself, but all the old theatre buttons were pushed. I was connected, yes, but I was also annoyed and jealous and self-depreciating. I am glad to have the concert over. On top of all this, I started a bit of a panic around going home for Christmas. The tickets are expensive, the weather dangerous to drive in and I want to take Jo home more than I can tell you. This triggered all levels of homesickness, lack consciousness, frustration that I went to Colorado so he "should" have to come to Saskatchewan...
Ya, yesterday was filled to the brim.
This morning I have what feels like an emotional hangover. The skies are grey, the apartment is quiet and today/tomorrow we celebrate Thanksgiving. I think I will dedicate today to contemplation and to
Loving What Is.
Oh, and maybe to taking a nap. You know,the important stuff.
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