Monday, October 31, 2005
Content Like The Ocean
Perhaps my problem is that I have always been that little girl that wanted MORE.
I never wanted what so many of my friends wanted. I didn't dream of a wedding or a husband or babies. Or if I did I dreamed that they would come only after I had travelled the world and had adventure and made some sort of difference to the world. When I did imagine partnership, I Imagined a real partner, not a man I didn't understand who lived a parallel life in the same house as myself. Definitly not a man that watched sports on TV and couldn't talk about his feelings. I wanted sensitive, artistic partners who adored me. I wanted the life of a glamorous theatre professional hobnobbing in the circles of Canada's greatest Creatives...
...and in a way I have gotten all these things. And I am changing. At 29, I do think about a baby. ONE baby. I am still enjoying my sensitive, new-age partner choice and I still get to hobnob with some of Canada's greatest creatives. It is just that I don't know where or how I belong in any of it. I am on the outside looking in and I am not sure how to get inside.
I suppose I should pat myself on the back for not shying away from all this silence ... as I have nowhere to run when all the stuff that keeping busy has muted starts to shout loud and clear. For this I am proud of myself. This is painful - the stuff I am facing right now - and I am not drinking or doing drugs or working or shopping to numb it. Sometimes wish I could. Sometimes think that if I was an alcoholic my pain would be taken seriously. What a gross thing to think!
And everyone has different advice for me. Some say - stop searching and just enjoy the vacation. Some say, get a job, any job just to give you some purpose for now. Some say, go back to school. Some say, you're enjoying this! Some say, you aren't abnormal.
What do I say? You know what I say, because I say it right here on my trusty old blog. I say something different everyday. I say, that it hurts, but hurting just means you're really living.
So that is where I am at today. Monday. Caitlin moves in. Leslie moves in. Our 404 community grows. I pay bills, I take naps, I do my Real Estate homework. I wonder how much longer I need to wait.
I exist in my wanting of more.
And I practise loving what already is.
I never wanted what so many of my friends wanted. I didn't dream of a wedding or a husband or babies. Or if I did I dreamed that they would come only after I had travelled the world and had adventure and made some sort of difference to the world. When I did imagine partnership, I Imagined a real partner, not a man I didn't understand who lived a parallel life in the same house as myself. Definitly not a man that watched sports on TV and couldn't talk about his feelings. I wanted sensitive, artistic partners who adored me. I wanted the life of a glamorous theatre professional hobnobbing in the circles of Canada's greatest Creatives...
...and in a way I have gotten all these things. And I am changing. At 29, I do think about a baby. ONE baby. I am still enjoying my sensitive, new-age partner choice and I still get to hobnob with some of Canada's greatest creatives. It is just that I don't know where or how I belong in any of it. I am on the outside looking in and I am not sure how to get inside.
I suppose I should pat myself on the back for not shying away from all this silence ... as I have nowhere to run when all the stuff that keeping busy has muted starts to shout loud and clear. For this I am proud of myself. This is painful - the stuff I am facing right now - and I am not drinking or doing drugs or working or shopping to numb it. Sometimes wish I could. Sometimes think that if I was an alcoholic my pain would be taken seriously. What a gross thing to think!
And everyone has different advice for me. Some say - stop searching and just enjoy the vacation. Some say, get a job, any job just to give you some purpose for now. Some say, go back to school. Some say, you're enjoying this! Some say, you aren't abnormal.
What do I say? You know what I say, because I say it right here on my trusty old blog. I say something different everyday. I say, that it hurts, but hurting just means you're really living.
So that is where I am at today. Monday. Caitlin moves in. Leslie moves in. Our 404 community grows. I pay bills, I take naps, I do my Real Estate homework. I wonder how much longer I need to wait.
I exist in my wanting of more.
And I practise loving what already is.
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