Sunday, August 07, 2005
Lonely But Not Alone
They say 'alone but not lonely' but you never hear them say 'lonely but not alone'.
How can sharing your life with someone sometimes make you lonelier than being totally single? I remember last year at this time, sneaking out quietly at this time of night, to go and hang out with Iain and Kevin. I would creep past Kyle's door, careful not to wake him, and skip down the street to Kevin J's apartment where I would throw pebbles at his window because his buzzer didn't work. Up I would go to hang out with this hilarious group of men and after I was done laughing my ass off, I would tiptoe past Kyle's bedroom again and fall into bed just before the birds started singing. I came home alone, fell into my bed alone, but felt the furthest from lonely. I was me. My own person. I had my own little space, my own little bed and enjoyed the men in my life in when I wanted to and left them behind when I wanted to. There were no expectations. There was no one waltzing the streets, my heart in his back pocket. There was no laying in bed at night with the absence of his phone call or his presence in bed beside me to make me feel so easily forgotten. Until I fell in love again, that fateful November night, I was safe from feeling abandoned.
Now, my trust and love fully given to someone else, I so easily feel left. I am transported to my four year old self when I watched, terrified, as my mom drove away from the new baby sitter's house, leaving me alone again. It was only myself, small and blonde, my tearstained face pressed up against that screen door, that I could count on.
Tonight, tears streaming down my 29 year old face, fingers presesd to a laptop keyboard, I can't help but feel that I was right. They will all leave eventually. They will all come and go as they please. Somehow, it isn't safe. Somehow, it isn't fair.
I, Krista Konkin, am leaveable.
I have such joy in my life. My days are filled with such wonderful experiences. I am cared for and supported so totally by so many. But this, this is the underlying terror that plays a soft and direct melody under it all. Perhaps I am not hardwired to be close to anybody. Maybe I am not nearly healed enough to be in love. Then again, maybe everyone feels this way.
Maybe it is merely our universal loneliness that keeps us from truely being alone.
How can sharing your life with someone sometimes make you lonelier than being totally single? I remember last year at this time, sneaking out quietly at this time of night, to go and hang out with Iain and Kevin. I would creep past Kyle's door, careful not to wake him, and skip down the street to Kevin J's apartment where I would throw pebbles at his window because his buzzer didn't work. Up I would go to hang out with this hilarious group of men and after I was done laughing my ass off, I would tiptoe past Kyle's bedroom again and fall into bed just before the birds started singing. I came home alone, fell into my bed alone, but felt the furthest from lonely. I was me. My own person. I had my own little space, my own little bed and enjoyed the men in my life in when I wanted to and left them behind when I wanted to. There were no expectations. There was no one waltzing the streets, my heart in his back pocket. There was no laying in bed at night with the absence of his phone call or his presence in bed beside me to make me feel so easily forgotten. Until I fell in love again, that fateful November night, I was safe from feeling abandoned.
Now, my trust and love fully given to someone else, I so easily feel left. I am transported to my four year old self when I watched, terrified, as my mom drove away from the new baby sitter's house, leaving me alone again. It was only myself, small and blonde, my tearstained face pressed up against that screen door, that I could count on.
Tonight, tears streaming down my 29 year old face, fingers presesd to a laptop keyboard, I can't help but feel that I was right. They will all leave eventually. They will all come and go as they please. Somehow, it isn't safe. Somehow, it isn't fair.
I, Krista Konkin, am leaveable.
I have such joy in my life. My days are filled with such wonderful experiences. I am cared for and supported so totally by so many. But this, this is the underlying terror that plays a soft and direct melody under it all. Perhaps I am not hardwired to be close to anybody. Maybe I am not nearly healed enough to be in love. Then again, maybe everyone feels this way.
Maybe it is merely our universal loneliness that keeps us from truely being alone.
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