Wednesday, August 10, 2005
don't,not,no
For any of you that haven't kept up to speed let me sum up 'how I've been' since, like, May.
Shitty.
Not that I am a victim. My negativity is of my own making. Not that there haven't been some extremely wonderful moments mixed in with the crap. But basically, the days have seemed longer, the light, darker and all the hard stuff, insurmountable.
So, I take what I know and I know that if I want to start feeling better I had best make some new choices. Take matters into my own hands. But negativity is like a giant snowball and once it gets rolling... so...there Jordan and I were this Sunday, at the Centre, and this guest speaker who happens to be a best seller authour says that to stop the snowball all you need to do is eliminate three simple words.
Don't, not and no.
Inspired by his talk, and on an upward curve ever since returning from Moose Jaw, I forged into this week determined to not (hmmmmm...trying to not NOT) think, say or live the don't/not/no shit bombs. It worked for a couple of days.
But then I spent the last 72 hours job hunting for what feels like the gazillionth month in an empty apartment, phone silent, boyfriend busy. Suddenly, it started to snow in Krista-positive land. Then I realized that Jo and I haven't had sex since I came back and the snow turned to blizzard. The blizzard coaxed me into not going to the gym, because-after-all-I-am-not-desirable-to-my-partner-so-what-is-the-use, and the snowball began a rollin'. Taked to Shelley who is single in Bermuda getting payed tons to play piano and sing and really I was once again in shittyville.
I was doing so well. Tonight I am back to wanting to just leave it all behind, run back home, curl up in bed and give up.
Tonight, I am staring at my partner cooking supper and I am thinking - how did the guy from the swing class end up in my kitchen??
Tonight, I am so disappointed in myself for ending up back inside of my own shitty snowball that I hardly want to be around myself, let alone anybody else.
All I can hope is that tomorrow I will wake up with a sense of renewal. I won't deem my realationship sexually hopeless, I will be excited at the prospect of dropping off resumes and my faith will be restored that the most amazing job or opportunity will sweep me off my feet any day now. I will concentrate on things like the fact that I got Martine an apartment in my building, or how I am going to have my first look at the Communicopia space that I will be redecorating, or how I am healthy and loved and safe in a country that allows me to spend my time wallowing in self-pity.
But what if I don't??
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ------ there is that word!
Maybe it is just as suiting to ask,
but what if I do?
Shitty.
Not that I am a victim. My negativity is of my own making. Not that there haven't been some extremely wonderful moments mixed in with the crap. But basically, the days have seemed longer, the light, darker and all the hard stuff, insurmountable.
So, I take what I know and I know that if I want to start feeling better I had best make some new choices. Take matters into my own hands. But negativity is like a giant snowball and once it gets rolling... so...there Jordan and I were this Sunday, at the Centre, and this guest speaker who happens to be a best seller authour says that to stop the snowball all you need to do is eliminate three simple words.
Don't, not and no.
Inspired by his talk, and on an upward curve ever since returning from Moose Jaw, I forged into this week determined to not (hmmmmm...trying to not NOT) think, say or live the don't/not/no shit bombs. It worked for a couple of days.
But then I spent the last 72 hours job hunting for what feels like the gazillionth month in an empty apartment, phone silent, boyfriend busy. Suddenly, it started to snow in Krista-positive land. Then I realized that Jo and I haven't had sex since I came back and the snow turned to blizzard. The blizzard coaxed me into not going to the gym, because-after-all-I-am-not-desirable-to-my-partner-so-what-is-the-use, and the snowball began a rollin'. Taked to Shelley who is single in Bermuda getting payed tons to play piano and sing and really I was once again in shittyville.
I was doing so well. Tonight I am back to wanting to just leave it all behind, run back home, curl up in bed and give up.
Tonight, I am staring at my partner cooking supper and I am thinking - how did the guy from the swing class end up in my kitchen??
Tonight, I am so disappointed in myself for ending up back inside of my own shitty snowball that I hardly want to be around myself, let alone anybody else.
All I can hope is that tomorrow I will wake up with a sense of renewal. I won't deem my realationship sexually hopeless, I will be excited at the prospect of dropping off resumes and my faith will be restored that the most amazing job or opportunity will sweep me off my feet any day now. I will concentrate on things like the fact that I got Martine an apartment in my building, or how I am going to have my first look at the Communicopia space that I will be redecorating, or how I am healthy and loved and safe in a country that allows me to spend my time wallowing in self-pity.
But what if I don't??
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ------ there is that word!
Maybe it is just as suiting to ask,
but what if I do?
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